In a Super Bowl that was wayyyyy closer than it should’ve been, the Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers by the score of 34-31.  This game really had everything one would want in a solid Super Bowl match-up.  It had a bizzare 30 minute blackout in the middle of the 3rd quarter.  It had the 49ers making a furious 2nd half comeback only to fall short with under two minutes to go in the game.  It had special teams touchdowns, a random fakes field goal and it even a safety.  This game was one defensive touchdown away from having every type of exciting play a football game should have.

And now, sadly, the season is over and we must wait until next autumn before football season comes around again.  We’ll have the next 6 months to talk about if Joe Flacco is “elite”, if Ray Ray actually did murder someone, if Alex Smith will attempt to murder Jim Harbaugh only to fall short because he is not an elite enough murderer.  Sigh…i’m going to miss football.

I began fearing the potential of a “Harbowl” over a year ago. Last winter, we received a reprieve from that dreadful moniker but alas, no such luck this season. On Sunday evening, when it was all but certain Baltimore would advance to play San Francisco in Super Bowl XLVII, I tried to find a rooting interest. I reviewed all of the salient points — I once lived in Baltimore for three years; my favorite quarterback of all time is Joe Montana; like me, Steve Young is a handsome, dark-haired attorney; and also like me, Joe Flacco fights to protect facial boundaries from an aggressive unibrow. But I’ll be damned if I couldn’t find one legitimate reason why I’d want either team to win: they are both easily detestable. Let’s break it down:

So basically what you’re telling me is that I’m left with picking between Patrick Willis and Steve Bischotti? Perhaps an exciting Harbaugh Bowl SuperBaugh Brother Bowl Super Bowl XLVII just wasn’t meant to be: from replacement refs to head trauma to the coaching carousel, maybe the NFL is just having an off-year. Maybe, Roger Goodell can start making the Super Bowl more meaningful by bringing back the sweet location-themed logos. Either way, I have a week to make this game interesting. Otherwise, it’s going to be up to bourbon and/or gambling. Please don’t make me go there, Rog!

The good news for Denver is that athletes aren’t getting shot left and right. The bad news is that Peyton Manning is starting to rub off on others like the flu. Now Mayor Michael Hancock is down for the count.

Hancock lost a bet to Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake when the Ravens beat the Broncos in double overtime this past Sunday. He agreed that he would perform the Ray Lewis Squirrel Dance if the Broncos lost. That might take a while.

Well, it ain’t happening. Not because Hancock is welching on the bet, but because he hurt himself Monday evening.

The mayor’s spokeswoman Amber Miller says he was hurt “during pre-game warm-ups.”

Hancock is “expected to be on the field in the second half, ready to carry out the game plan and fulfill his end of the wager,” she said.

I’m from Baltimore and I never knew that seizure’s medical name was the Squirrel Dance. I’ve seen plenty of squirrels in my time and travels. I’ve seen squirrels act normal, rabid and everything in betweeen. I’ve never seen a squirrel move like that. Perhaps it’s a tribute to a concussed squirrel or one with a brain tumor. Either way, squirrels should be up in arms over Ray Lewis’ portrayal of them. Where’s their equivalent of Spike Lee? This is their Django Unchained moment yet they’re busy stuffing their faces with nuts and jumping each other in parks. Squirrel on squirrel crime is a problem, people.

Rawlings-Blake would have been required to light the Washington Monument with blue and gold colors had the Broncos won. Clearly Hancock has no idea how to make a bet. What kind of trade-off is that? If he couldn’t make her shake some ass in return, the citizens of Denver need to elect a new mayor.

“The Worldwide leader in sports” rarely misses an opportunity to kill athletes with kindness. Especially, the 12-time pro-bowler and accomplice to a murder linebacker Ray Lewis. Although Lewis seems like a fairly decent murderer guy, don’t let the Old Spice commercials fool you, Ray Ray keeps it real, too. So, Ray Lewis is just as devastating on tackles as he is when somebody talks shit in the club asks him a question regarding the acrimonious negotiations between the NFLPA and the League.

Let’s bury the hatchet and kill all this mess, ESPN:

“Do this research if we don’t have a season — watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game,” Lewis told ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio.

That’s because, Lewis said, the NFL lockout affects “way more than us” — the owners and the players.

“There’s too many people that live through us, people live through us,” he said. “Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I’m not talking about the people you see all the time.”

Ray Ray was also asked about what he could do to end the labor unrest, and put the disagreement down for good. Lewis volunteered that he had reached out to NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith to offer his assistance to bury a body. If only all members of the NFL community were this deadly selfless.