Lyoto Machida is going to get a shot at Jon Bones Jones at UFC 140, blue balling the deliciousness of the grudge match between Rashad Evans and Lyoto Machida that is a terrific excuse to get a keg, invite your friends over, and reconfigure the descrambler on your television.

It sucks, but when Mr. Clean calls it on Twitter we all fall into line, unless you are Lyoto Machida and a rematch with Rashad Evans at UFC 133 is pending after Phil Davis was injured. Then, you just ask for “Anderson Silva money.” They’re both Brazilian, right? Then, how much can that really be!? (reads Economist, learns of Brazil’s growing global economic competitiveness).

To be fair, both fighters are training with Steven Seagal; the same man who made Richie Madano pay for shooting Bobby Lupo.

It doesn’t hurt matters that Dana White has no problem dismissing the UFC ranking system; we now get to see Lyoto Machida take on Jones instead of the grudge match with Evans. To be completely fair though, Evans is not 100 percent yet from his fight with Ortiz.

Taste the sad ESPN:

In 19 professional fights, only Jackson and Rua have beaten Machida. It was Rua who handed Machida his first professional loss and ended his brief reign as UFC light heavyweight champion on May 8, 2010.

During his most recent appearance inside the cage, Machida (17-2) ended his two-fight skid with a first-round knockout of Randy Couture at UFC 129. That bout was held April 30 in Toronto.

“Stylistically, he matches up well with Jones,” Machida’s manager, Ed Soares, told ESPN.com. “The guys Jones has been fighting stand in front of him.

“The way Machida moves around the Octagon makes him a different type of fighter. Lyoto has the tools and the experience and the techniques to be able to beat Jon Jones.”

Jones has an 84.5″ wingspan, he could stand outside the octagon and still stick Machida.

Until two weeks ago, when Ortiz beat the shit out of Ryan Bader, the only fights Tito Ortiz could win were against his wife, who has some skills of her very own from spending most of her career at full guard (raises eyebrows, chomps on cigar).

But now, because casual fans who don’t really watch UFC but want to convince their girlfriends that they do, we get Tito Ortiz against Rashad Evans in a rematch from their bout at UFC 73 in July 2007, instead of a fresh fight for Evans against a legitimate contender. For those of you keeping track, Rashad Evans was originally set to fight Jon “Bones” Jones, but Jones pulled out due to injury. Then Jones’ replacement, Phil Davis, had to pull out also due to injury. After reports that both Lyoto Machida and Ortiz had turned down the fight, Ortiz said “Just playin!” Now Ortiz is squaring up against Evans in the main event at UFC 133 on August 6 in Philadelphia, where undoubtedly this won’t be the only fight in the city that evening (it’s dangerous out there!).

Taste the sad, MMAWeekly.com:

Ultimately, Ortiz has opted to accept the fight and will rematch Rashad Evans in Philadelphia. Still riding the high from his last fight and win over Ryan Bader, Ortiz says he’s far from being done.

“Hopefully everybody will be happy. I’m happy; my camp’s happy. The future will hold great things for me, and this Cinderella story is not over yet,” said Ortiz.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say “I hope you’re wrong.”

Overrated loser Tito Ortiz made his career pummeling UFC legend Ken Shamrock in the twilight of a fine career, he literally hasn’t been anybody else since Shamrock. Their fights drew huge numbers on PPV and Ortiz was a made man after that. After losing badly to Lyoto Machida (some may dispute this because of the triangle choke Ortiz almost sunk in, but before that Machida dominated) in his first farewell to the UFC, Ortiz briefly resurfaced in Elite XC before crawling back to Dana White after the promotion crumbled.

His big “comeback” fight was against Forrest Griffin (decision); his next comeback fight was Matt Hamill (decision) He pulled out of a fight with Chuck Liddell at the culmination of the Ultimate Fighter television show last year to have back surgery and probably because Liddell already beat him, too.

He still talks just as much shit as he did when he was winning fights; so naturally, the “worldwide leader in sports” has given Ortiz a platform to voice his opinions on…himself.

Dismissively wank for me, ESPN:

But people need to look at the big details to know what’s been happening in these fights. I’ll never be someone who accepts second place — never — but, honestly, I feel I have won some of these fights.

FORGET WHAT THE RECORD SAYS, FOLKS, I AM A WINNER!

After Chuck Liddell beat me in December 2006, I took on Rashad Evans, who went on to be a world champion and has lost only once since. And I beat him. It was only a “draw” because I got a point taken off for the one, single time when I grabbed the fence. It was a draw, but I was the better fighter in the cage. I won.

Then I fought Lyoto Machida, a great fighter who also went on to win the world title. I almost caught him in a triangle and tapped him out. He admitted he thought he was going to pass out. I lost and it sucked, but I was competitive.

Next was a rematch with Forrest Griffin, whom I beat earlier in our careers. I didn’t get the decision this time, but a lot of people felt I won two rounds to one. Again, I was more than competitive with a top-5 guy.

Conceding his point about Evans and (maybe) Machida, I completely disagree about Griffin. Ortiz looked slow, and old in that bought. He looked just as bad, probably worse, against Hamill. Ryan Bader may have to go for a jog after this fight just to get a real workout in.

Let’s face it: Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) is no longer a niche sport.  Head to any sports bar on a fight night and you’ll see hordes of men and women crowded around televisions watching tatted-up behemoths grapple with each other.  The combat is brutal, just like UFC founder Dana White.  Through a series of shrewd business moves and a ruthless marketing campaign, he’s methodically crushing the remnants of boxing. 

His most recent success took place this past Saturday night at the sold-out MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas.  As a testament to the ever-growing popularity of MMA (and White’s work), UFC 114 brought in big-time gate receipts as well as pay per view dollars.    

We asked guest writer and MMA die-hard Turd Ferguson (seriously, what is up with poop-related things and this website?) to give us his expert summation of the evening.  His recap is below: 

Undercard       

Antonio Rogerio Nogueria v. Jason “The Hitman” Brilz

Nogueira was declared the winner over Brilz via decision in a fight that many folks in attendance thought he lost.  Brilz was a late replacement for Forrest Griffin, who had to pull out due to injury.  Although some analysts initially questioned the decision by Nogueira to provide large burlap sacks with enormous “$” signs on them to the judges prior to the fight, that strategy appeared to have ultimately worked out for him.   

Diego “Nightmare” Sanchez vs. John “The Hitman” Hathaway

Sanchez took a big knee standing up early in the first round but managed to pull guard and make it out.  Still, “The Hitman” Hathaway took this one, improving to 13-0 and looking sharp against Sanchez.  Hathaway’s nickname is “The Hitman,” but so is that of Jason Brilz.  Also: what will Bret “The Hitman” Hart have to say about this?  Probably nothing since he’s an old man now, and pro wrestling isn’t real.     

Mike Russow v. Troy Duffee

In the only heavyweight bout on the card, Mike Russow, who broke (fat) camp looking (for the) upset and hungry (for spare ribs), came out and knocked out Troy Duffee at 2:35 in the third round.  Duffee, on the other hand, looked like he stepped off a photo shoot for FLEX.  At the beginning of the fight, I turned to my buddy and we both agreed that we were rooting for tubby to take this one via knockout and it happened.  We celebrated with a high five and then an awkward gaze, if only he knew how I truly felt…     

Michael Bisping v. Dan Miller

Bisping took Miller apart in a fight that was billed as a co-main event, even though nobody really cared who won this fight.  You could have put two hobos in there for fifteen minutes and it wouldn’t have mattered.  But, since this ridiculous nation honors specious things like “human rights,” we get Bisping by decision.

Main Event: “Suga” Rashad Evans v. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson

UFC 114 was headlined by a non-title matchup between “Suga” Rashad Evans and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, two light heavyweight fighters gunning for a shot at the belt.   

Nevertheless, with more bad blood between these two fighters than that nightclub scene at the beginning of “Blade,” and definitely more bloodsuckers in attendance (post-marriage starter-wives in full effect), this was a match not to be missed.  While Rampage brings serious street cred with both his K-1/Pride pedigree and crazy interviews/behavior, Evans cleans up nice and can do commentary on ESPN.  Still, Evans got booed while Rampage got a huge ovation for his first foray into the octagon after a 14-month “retirement” to shoot the new “A-Team” movie.     

Vegas odds had Rashad taking this one over Rampage, and they were right so I don’t need to unplug the phone or move into a Motel 8 until my bookie stops calling.  In the first round, Rashad landed a serious right that stunned Rampage and forced the fight against the cage.  Following that, Evans had a nice double leg takedown that seemed to suggest that this one was going to be a technical lesson from “Suga.”  But Rampage fought back, and with about three minutes left in the fight, he rocked Evans with an accidental knee that brought Evans to the ground and nearly ground the fight to a halt.  But much like the 19-year-old version of me, Rampage couldn’t close.  Evans eventually was able to get to his feet and dance a bit before shooting another take down and all but assuring that he’d get a favorable decision from the judges. 

In fact, the only disappointing thing about UFC 114 was the professionalism displayed by a humble Rampage in defeat.  Hey, if I pay $44.99 for this god damn thing then I want to see Rampage live up to his namesake – like maybe attack those smug ring girls who won’t return my emails or MySpace messages. And another thing (swigs from whiskey bottle), that UFC ring girl better not try to cover up again when the camera pans to her just because she’s cold.  If we wanted you to be comfortable, sweetheart, then they would have sent you out there in your juicy pants and your sorority letter sweatshirt.  

Glad I got to watch this as it was the best pay-per-view without a title fight or the word “MILF” in the title that I have purchased in some time.  UFC’s growth has been really exciting to witness the past couple years, unless your name is Don King. 

So there you have it – excellent recap.  Thank you very much, Mr. Ferguson.