It just warms my heart when a rapper christens some part-time sucka’s head with a champagne bottle as if it was a new ocean liner. Puff Dad…Puffy…P. Didd..whatever he calls himself these days would be thrilled with Iowa’s Graham Valdes.

Valdes, a member of the track team, was arrested and charged with assault causing bodily injury after cracking a man in the head with a champagne bottle as if his name was Steve Stoute.

According to a criminal complaint, Iowa City police were called to Sauce, a liquor store at 108 E. College St., at 1:53 a.m. Saturday for a report of a man hit with a bottle. Upon arrival, officers found a man “bleeding profusely” from the top of his head and a shattered champagne bottle at his feet. The victim had a large cut on the top of his head and nose which required stitches and further medical attention, the complaint said.

The victim told police a tall, red-headed man hit him with a bottle as he was trying to leave the store after his friend had urinated in the store. The alleged attacker was still on scene and matched the description from the victim, police said.

Valdes alleged the man was “pushing past people to exit the store and he felt threatened”. He was scared because the guy wanted to leave the store? Why not get out of his way and let him go? Oh I’m sorry. No real G would move out of someone’s way. You think Da Brat or Juvenile would have avoided confrontation? Move, bitch! Get out the way! Come get some Moet upside that beady ass head, nucka!

A liquor store called Sauce? Pure genius. At this rate, Iowa may move to the SEC. They can definitely compete with Florida and Tennessee when it comes to crime.

This country should be more thankful to people like ODB, Spice 1 and Three 6 Mafia. Politicians and other self-righteous assclowns criticize rappers for polluting society with terrible lyrics and their “bling”. They should be thankful. It’s these same rappers who are finally going to get payback from the British for all those years of colonialism and oppression. How? Through the thing they love the most. Their soccer teams.

Last week, we brought you news of Diddy’s attempts to buy Crystal Palace which is currently in administration. The Sun reports that he’s getting closer to making a decision (if you believe anything about this at all).

P DIDDY was locked in talks with Phil Alexander, chief executive of the footie club, on Thursday night – thrashing out a possible takeover.

The multi-millionaire rapper now knows exactly how much the skint club in south-east London will cost and is in contact with their administrators.

Diddy – real name Sean Combs – is expected to come back with an offer this weekend.

No one should put too much stock in this until Puffy actually walks out before the fans waving a Palace scarf and talking about how he’s going to resurrect the club and lead it to greatness before he realizes that it won’t make him rich and drops them like a Bad Boy artist.

Puff Daddy could be the advance team for American rappers looking to take over English soccer clubs. Jay-Z has expressed interest in investing in English soccer as well (if you believe the Mirror).

Jay-Z, born Shawn Carter, said: “I don’t know a lot about the business of soccer, but in the future if the right opportunity presented itself, then who knows? I am a businessman, and I will always look at an opportunity, and if it feels right great.”

Obviously he is interested in investing in Arsenal since he is an Arsenal fan. Dave Chappelle says you have to read between the lines. In this case, just draw conclusions that aren’t there Tea Party-style.

Jay is a minority owner of the New Jersey Nets so he does have some familiarity with sports ownership. However dealing with Nets fans is nothing compared to Palace supporters. All he and Sean Combs need to do is take a look at the negative reception received by the Glazers (Manchester United), Tom Hicks (Liverpool) and George Gillett (Liverpool). They could also look to Randy Lerner (Aston Villa) to see how a club should be run by a foreign owner.

Nutmeg Radio suggests that Jay take a closer look and consider an investment in the MLS. It’s not as glamorous as the Premier League or even the Championship but the league is growing despite Jim Rome’s wishes. A second New York team owned by the Roc would provide a boost to the game’s development in the inner city. It would encourage further investment in the league. There’s also the benefit of preventing the Wilpons from taking the franchise and loading it with injury-prone, elderly Dominicans picked by Omar Minaya.

In the meantime, other rappers should cross the pond and invest in the money pits known as football clubs. Someone should warn them that they aren’t actual clubs. Making it rain and pouring champagne on bitches would be frowned upon however beating opposing supporters might be acceptable in some circumstances especially at Millwall. It’s all about compromise. You’re on the clock, Cash Money Billionaires/MillionairesThousandaires/whatever.