Nigeria celebrating news of free hooker sex

Andray Blatche needs to get to the nearest computer and hop on Ancestry.com to check his… Uh, he’s already on Pornhub. When he’s finished, he should see if he has any ancestors from Nigeria. If he does, he might want to look into Nigerian citizenship.

Nigeria may be plagued with corruption, a north-south divide and beef between Christians and Muslims but everyone including prostitutes can get behind…err, in front of their soccer team.

[The Association of Nigerian Prostitutes], in a statement issued through its national secretary, Jessica Elvis, urged the national team to make the country proud by moving on to the finals and returning with the trophy.

“We want to congratulate the Nigerian national team, the Super Eagles, for qualifying for the next round of the competition. We want to assure them of our usual support and partnership, we want them to bring back our lost glory in football.

Jessica, speaking further, added that the association would declare one week of free sex if the Eagles win the trophy.

“To show our support for the national team, we’ll be declaring one week free sex if the Super Eagles can win the trophy,” she added. Investigation revealed some members of the association are in South Africa ‘supporting’ the national team.

There’s an Association of Nigerian Prostitutes? Is it registered with the state? Hookers are all about profit but is it registered as a non-profit like the church or is it a union? They’re so organized that they have a national secretary? I would be interested in seeing their organizational chart. I assume they have elections. What are the different platforms? Do they control territory and pricing? What’s their dispute resolution process? I assume they have an annual awards event. Is it like the AVN Awards or more like the White House Correspondents Dinner or Kennedy Center Honors? How exactly are they “supporting” the national team in South Africa? One would think the players would stay away from sex knowing how superstitious they are when it comes to sporting events. A team’s juju can be thrown off by the wrong sign or a case of the clap. Perhaps they’re sleeping with players of opposing teams, giving them random STDs and stealing their mojo. Is the free sex offer for players and coaches or is it come one come all? (See what I did there? All day.) If everyone is eligible to cash in, will they have to call in reinforcements or call up more hoes from the prostitute version of the minors? Do they recruit former prostitutes like Jesse “The Body” Ventura getting called back into service in The Running Man? So many questions.

Who’s the next England player to be busted cheating on his wife with prostitutes? Wayne Rooney, come on down! He may not be scoring on the pitch but he sure knows how to put it in when it comes to the hoes.

Rooney was busted for cheating on his wife Colleen with Jennifer Thompson, a £1,000-a-night prostitute, while she was pregnant with their son. He slept with Thompson on several occasions over four months.

You might remember Rooney from previous hooker episodes such as Over 50 Whores. He apologized to his wife back then but was forced to come clean this weekend.

Rooney now expects betrayed Coleen to throw him out of their £5million mansion in Cheshire and begin moves for an explosive divorce. He told a pal yesterday: “My life is in ruins…I’ve been so stupid. Coleen won’t forgive me this time. She will leave me.”

No one has ever accused the striker of being intelligent. They not only stayed in the same hotel every time they hooked up but he also took her out on dates to various Manchester bars and clubs.

Of course, Thompson had no problem selling her story to the Mirror. Some of the details were mundane and what you would expect. However there were some interesting tidbits. He sent her loads of text messages as one would expect. However he also talked to her on Skype under a false name. What? Here’s FourFourTwo’s James Maw’s reaction via Twitter:

If that’s not enough to make this suspect, Thompson is only 21. That’s way too young for Rooney. Then again, we could be wrong. He may take them 8 to 80, dumb, crippled and crazy.

Regardless, Rooney knows Colleen’s going to come around saying, “Wayne, I want half!” Endorsements? Ask Tiger Woods how those are going for him right now.

To be a fly on the wall during Alex Ferguson’s next face to face conversation with Rooney. He’ll pray for the hair dryer treatment.

You probably thought we were talking about rugby. No, we’re talkin’ prostitution. 2014 is only four years away yet prostitutes in Rio are already thinking and planning ahead in anticipation of the World Cup’s return to Brazil.

Brazil, like South Africa, has plenty of work to do before the World Cup begins in four years. There are stadiums to be built and renovated. Transport infrastructure has to be upgraded and streets have to be cleaned up. One can only assume all favelas will be walled in like Palestine. While most people are happy about the impending modernization, people involved in the pimping game aren’t as pleased.

While most are celebrating the city’s regeneration, Vila Mimosa’s prostitutes and their employers are growing increasingly nervous that the city’s makeover may see them driven out by mooted plans to bulldoze the area and replace it with a platform for a high-speed rail-link between Rio and Brazil’s economic capital Sao Paulo.

“As soon as the rumours started going around people started knocking on my door and saying: ‘How are we going to earn a living if they make us leave’?” said Cleide Nascimento Almeida, the head of Vila Mimosa’s residents association. “The city is going to undergo big changes for the World Cup and the Olympics. [But] the red-light district cannot be moved outside of the city centre no matter how shameful the government might think this place is,” she added. “The city centre is where the people come to work and when they are not at work it’s where they come to have fun.”

Shutting down the area to rebuild will simply drive the business to other locations around the city. Brothel owners will obviously mourn the loss of income but maybe the women employed or used by the pimps will be able to find another vocation.

“Men will go anywhere [for sex],” said the 21-year-old prostitute, who works under the name Julia and dreams of leaving the Vila to open a fish shop on the beach

Well…they’ll more likely pick up where they leave off in a new location. No way we’re touching the fish shop quote.

The 2010 World Cup in South Africa is quickly approaching. Stadiums are nearing completion. Jacob Zuma is picking out the race of his next love child and WAGs are preparing to play Chickenhead in Sun City while their husbands and boyfriends choke away another chance at everlasting glory.

If there’s one thing South Africa is besides beautiful, it’s hospitable … unless you’re from Zimbabwe or a space alien. South Africans want to make sure visitors take full advantage of everything their country has to offer including whores. The Sowetan was kind enough to give readers a rough guide to Johannesburg’s finest and skankiest houses of ill repute.

Enjoy these high and lowlights of the Sowetan’s “investigation”:

The Diplomat Hotel: “As I walked up the stairs at 8pm I felt my shoes stick to the floor … But I am distracted by women in miniskirts, sitting to stairs with their legs open. They are not wearing underwear.”

The Ambassador Hotel: “…The foyer looks inviting but the inside is disappointing” [like the women and your soul] … The sex workers are sitting around with open legs and smoking. For R15 you will get in but it felt like a huge rip-off. The beers cost the same and sex is R50. The rooms are not that bad.”

The Hillbrow Inn: “Imnandi nge condom (It’s delicious with a condom) is the song that welcomes you to the Inn … Other than sex workers, the place has strippers. It was a sight to behold. Red-blooded men being called on to the stage to help strippers take off their underwear and have sex in full view of the patrons … The DJ encouraged safe sex by providing condoms. [You're still doing it wrong, South Africa]

The Royal Hotel: The Royal Hotel, on Leyds Street in Joubert Park, is more upmarket. You fork out a R50 entrance fee. With the bouncers dressed in black suits, I felt like a king.

The Summit Club: “For a sex worker you will pay R260, but using my birthday status I got away with R180.” [Merry new year! Beef jerky time!]

Don’t fret if you’re on a budget. The Moulin Rouge got you. Cheap rooms and ass. Otherwise expect increased prices during the tournament. Inflation’s a bitch. If you’re lucky, you may find that perfect balance of disease that keeps you healthy like Mr. Burns. Happy STD cocktailin’!