We could sit here and ask ourselves why Cristiano Ronaldo has a naked picture of himself on his wall but there’s no point. It’s exactly what you’d expect someone like him to have in his house and force you to admire during every visit.

The architect who designed the 28-year-old winker’s palace in Madrid said: “Cristiano had all the clichés you can imagine. “Why would he want a grand piano? I think it’s because of the things some people miss out on as children.

“He must have seen it in one of the rich people’s homes in Miami Vice and thought he should have the same.”

“Mr. Torres, I would like the ultimate in douchebaggery. Spare no expense.”

Ronaldo also has ceiling mirrors throughout his house presumably so he could see himself trying to catch herpes from Paris Hilton or just look at himself when no one else is around to feed him compliments.

Ronaldo’s architect apparently goes by the name Mr. Torres. One can only assume he comes from the Mr. Brainwash school. It’s like the Belichick coaching tree for artists. Banksy must be a proud father.

Paris Hilton is not the mother of Ronaldo’s baby and it hasn’t contracted herpes despite him coming into contact with her nether regions … as far as we know. That’s good. Unfortunately the mother of his child, who he paid off for full custody, wants to reestablish contact with the kid. That’s bad…for him.

If you thought Ronaldo was a massive jackass before today, it’s time you find an adjective that describes a state bigger than massive. British tabloid The Mirror “reports” that the mother of his child wants to meet the baby she gave away for £10million.

Until now the lothario football star has kept secret the name, age and even nationality of the mother after she gave up her rights to the child in exchange for a £10million payment.

However, the Sunday Mirror can reveal she is a woman aged 20 who now bitterly regrets her decision and phones ex-Manchester United ace Ronaldo regularly in tears begging for a chance to meet her baby.

And the mother – who became ­pregnant after a one-night stand with Ronaldo – claims she is even prepared to give his millions back, insisting she has changed her mind about the deal.

Ronaldo’s not having it. It’s finders keepers as far as he’s concerned. However don’t think that he’s doing this because he doesn’t trust her or he loves the kid too much. Here comes the douche.

But despite doting on his son, he has flatly refused to change a single nappy, saying: “I will leave my mum and sister to raise him for the first few years.”

“Cristiano is the ultimate mummy’s boy, so he was never going to be getting up in the night to feed his son. But somehow the child’s mother has managed to get in touch with him and is hounding him to see the baby.

Instead of ignorning her calls or referring her to his legal representation, he answers her calls so he can mock her.

When she asks to see her son, Ronaldo is said to taunt her by telling her he may consider her requests… if she repays some of the money.

A source close to the woman said: “She’s often calling him late at night. She cried down the phone to him and pleads with him. He shouldn’t even be in contact with her, but they have got into a twisted sort of routine.

“She even calls him after matches to congratulate him on how he played, hoping that one day she can appeal to his better nature, but he simply leads her on and teases her about Cristiano Jr.

There’s a reason why he’s one of the most hated players in the world. His Real Madrid teammates hate him already besides Pepe.

I suppose the mother should take some blame for selling her baby no matter the price but this story is just further confirmation of what most people already think of Ronaldo. £10million is one hell of a transfer fee for a kid you didn’t even pay for. Most Football League teams would kill for anything close to that. However, knowing Ronaldo will be the father is a burden one has to carry for life. Giving birth to the Douche’s spawn has to weigh on her. Now the world will be subjected to the human version of Scrappy Doo. They both must be destroyed. The power of Christiano compels you.

Maybe it’s the other way round. No. That sounds about right.

Cristiano Ronaldo is celebrating his World Cup fail and accident (sorry, new son) by kicking it in New York. He’s been spotted greasing himself up at different pools and restaurants around town. He decided to stop by new and critically panned hot spot Kenmare for dinner and hilarity ensured.

Via Page Six:

As [Ronaldo] walked into the dining room Wednesday, decked in a snug black shirt and pale slacks, one diner exclaimed, “Oh, my God, it’s The Situation!” — referring to Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, the beefy reality star known for his toned midsection and aggressive pursuit of women.

Everything’s coming up Ronaldo these days.