The Baltimore Ravens didn’t waste any time in applying Duke’s Eight Simple Rules for the 30 Year-Old Sports Fan.

The Deuce is taking credit for the Ravens’ new training camp autograph policy.

Citing safety concerns, the Ravens will conduct autograph sessions for children ages 6 through 15 after the morning practice. There will be no autographs following the afternoon practices, the team announced in a press release.

That’s right, grown ups. They did it so kids don’t have to get pushed around by you to get an autograph. This new policy falls under Rule #2 about following a team and not a player. There’s nothing wrong with having a favorite player on a team but that’s where it should end. There’s a thin line between respect and obsession. Fighting to get an autograph especially with kids around is just wrong.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have no intention of changing their autograph policies. Having kids rumble with adults for autographs is a great way to cover for Ben Roethlisberger while he grabs himself some sweet like Dennis Franz. Try walking around Pittsburgh on any given day and you won’t see much difference between the adults and children who are all wearing Steelers, sorry Stillers jerseys anyway.

Poor Mike Tomczak. Always adequate yet mediocre as a quarterback. It turns out he’s the same when it comes to domestic violence.

Tomczak was arrested and charged with two counts of simple assault after attacking his wife in their home.

Mr. Tomczak was arrested Monday afternoon at his home after his wife called police. Police said Mr. Tomczak reportedly lunged at his wife and stepped on her foot, but did not hit her, according to KDKA-TV.

At least Tomczak stayed true to form and missed the open receiver. He shouldn’t feel too bad. Kyle Boller would have lunged forward and fallen backwards without making any contact. However Ben Roethlisberger says he’s doing it wrong.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Casey’s to see their bar midget who’s quite interested in whoever “wants to fucking drink” and check the white power graffiti in the bathroom. Stay classy, Pittsburgh.

** If you’re wondering, this picture was taken at Casey’s last year after we drank Chimp’s wedding reception dry and started a bar crawl. It was the first stop but should have been the last. Oh Primanti.

As we glide into warmer weather and brighter days, we’re still stuck with a deluge of crappy stories.  I’m wondering when we’ll get a break from the sexual assaults, projectile vomiting, and the Baltimore Orioles.  Prepare for your weekend away from the mess with some headlines:

• Both the Washington Capitals and Pittsburgh Penguins lost their playoff openers.

Granted, it’s really early, and I’m pretty sure Game 7 for both of their series isn’t scheduled until the beginning of June, but I can’t think of a worse follow-up to the NHL’s success at the Vancouver games than to lose its two marquee players in the first round of the playoffs.  That would be devastating.  I consider myself fairly knowledgeable about sports, but if you asked me to name 100 current NHLers right now, I probably couldn’t do it.  The NHL needs a Caps-Pens matchup more than a USA medal finish in just about every way.

• A New Jersey man was charged with assault and harassment after allegedly making himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and his daughter.

New Jersey?  Phillies fan?  Drunk?  Too, too easy.  Very quickly, let me just check something:

Yep, big fat pig.  Have fun in jail, jerk.  And where was Green Man when you need him?  Speaking of which: dressing up as Green Man is TIRED.  Green Man first came on the scene in September 2007.  Since that time, I can say without a doubt, I’ve seen at least one attention-seeking pencil neck dressed as Green Man at each outdoor concert and sporting event I’ve attended.  Whatever happened to going to a game, having a few beers, betting on the condiment race and scoping out other dudes’ girlfriends?

• Jay-Z is suing David Ortiz after Ortiz named his Dominican nightclub after the rapper’s chain of 40/40 clubs. 

Rough month for Papi: benched by Tito Francona, he’s struck out in half of his at bats, and now he’s being sued.  I wonder if part of the settlement will include an agreement indicating who’s overpriced sinkhole gets to go out of business first.  Celebrity-themed restaurants and bars are almost always terrible tourist traps.  I will write more about this phenomenon one day.  Dan Majerle, you’re on notice.

• After appearing drunk and making disparaging remarks about Tim Tebow and Bill Parcells on camera, Jerry Jones apologized, calling his choice of words, “a sarcastic term of endearment.”

First of all: if you go to a bar and see a celebrity and you’re stalking doesn’t convince them to a) leave, or b) call the cops, please don’t record them.  It’s weird, it’s creepy and you’re ruining it for the rest of us.  I’ve hung out in places where celebrities have let loose and let me tell you: it’s awesome.  But as soon as you pull out a camera, you ruin it for everyone else.  Now Jerry Jones will never go to a public place and drink ever again.  See what you did, nerds?  Jerry, I’ll get drunk with you and you can call me a “piece of s—“ anytime you want. 

• As more sordid details emerge from Ben Roethlisberger’s big night out, owner Art Rooney II is preparing to discipline Big Ben after the draft.

We’ve discussed “Young Dummies with Money Syndrome” before, so I won’t get into it again, but I will say if there is a dumber guy in football than Ben Roethlisberger, I’d sure as hell like to meet him.  When you’ve got Terry Bradshaw giving you life advice, you must be really, really slow.  And how will the Steelers be punishing him?  By trading away their best receiver for nothing?  Never mind, they already did that.

• Boston’s Mike Cameron might miss time with kidney stones.

Whenever I think of kidney stones, I think of Kramer. 

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: What’s with you?

KRAMER: I got a stone.

JERRY: What stone?

KRAMER: A kidney stone.

JERRY: What is that, anyway?

KRAMER: It’s a, it’s a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It’s forced out through the urine!

JERRY: Oh, that’s gotta hurt.

Indeed.  Have a great weekend.  Let’s hope for a weekend where everybody stays out of jail and keeps their pants on.