I couldn’t find a picture of a fat duck wearing a Browns jersey so a fat, brown platypus will have to do. It has a duck bill so it’s close enough, assclown.

Won’t someone please think about the ducks! If you enjoy quality books about the food industry, check out “The Foie Gras Wars: How a 5,000-Year-Old Delicacy Inspired the World’s Fiercest Food Fight“* by Mark Caro. In it, he details the debate over the banning of foie gras in several states from both sides of the issue. Gavage is the process by which ducks are force-fed in order to fatten them up and make their liver nice and tasty for the top of the food chain to enjoy. If you’ve tried it, you know it’s tasty. How you would feel if humans were subjected to the same treatment? Well it’s happening.

It was bad enough when the American viewing public was subjected to the Marlins in The Franchise on Showtime. Luckily for us, only 23 people have Showtime. Unfortunately we all have the Travel Channel which is premiering a show about the Cleveland Browns next week.

In this first of its kind series with in-season coverage, the NFL will provide unprecedented access to Travel Channel to unveil never-before-seen footage of what it takes to run and travel an entire professional football team from city to city, game to game, during the regular season. Every road trip requires a massive amount of coordination to haul the 150-person squad 20,000 miles a season. From feeding six-tons of men, to clothing and housing them, to how a stadium prepares and deals with more than 70,000 rabid fans, Travel Channel’s cameras are there to capture this massive undertaking.

Viewers will see how the Cleveland Browns live and prepare each week through the eyes of the players, staff and team management all the way up and including the top dawg, new owner Jimmy Haslam. They can expect to learn more about the history behind deeply rooted team rivalries and other notable insights not typically covered in normal game coverage. Episodes will focus around the weeks leading up to games played against the New York Giants, Baltimore Ravens, Dallas Cowboys, Oakland Raiders, Denver Broncos and Pittsburgh Steelers. When the game ends, the real work begins … and there are no timeouts.

Each week, NFL Road Tested will feature different employees across the entire Cleveland Browns organization. From players, such as starting Rookie Quarterback Brandon Weeden, Rookie Running Back sensation Trent Richardson and Veteran Placekicker Phil Dawson; to the charismatic new Owner Jimmy Haslam, to the team’s Head Equipment Manager Brad Melland, and many, many more. Fans will get a true, up-close idea of the inner workings of a legendary NFL football organization.

So let me get this straight. Anthony Bourdain is leaving for CNN and Travel Channel replaces him with this? You’re probably wondering what Christian Bale thinks of this.

“Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?”

Maybe it’s good for the Mistake by the Lake and Travel Channel but this is turrible for the rest of us. Let’s watch the Browns travel city to city blowing leads like a cheap hooker on the block. Bet you can’t wait to see them haul disappointment and failure across the country. The only thing that would make this show worth watching would be the voice of John Facenda describing Browns employees packing up the multiple sacks of Chris Weedon for the long trip back to Cleveland along the Cuyahoga River. Gotta get ‘em ready by next Sunday.

Please let the theme be “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald“. Gordon Lightfoot til the casket drop. Scott Fujita. That’s what’s up. Oh wait, he’s definitely down.

Your musical reference: Bad Boy 4 Life by P. Diddy.

*I would have sent you to Strand but the book is out of stock.

This country should be more thankful to people like ODB, Spice 1 and Three 6 Mafia. Politicians and other self-righteous assclowns criticize rappers for polluting society with terrible lyrics and their “bling”. They should be thankful. It’s these same rappers who are finally going to get payback from the British for all those years of colonialism and oppression. How? Through the thing they love the most. Their soccer teams.

Last week, we brought you news of Diddy’s attempts to buy Crystal Palace which is currently in administration. The Sun reports that he’s getting closer to making a decision (if you believe anything about this at all).

P DIDDY was locked in talks with Phil Alexander, chief executive of the footie club, on Thursday night – thrashing out a possible takeover.

The multi-millionaire rapper now knows exactly how much the skint club in south-east London will cost and is in contact with their administrators.

Diddy – real name Sean Combs – is expected to come back with an offer this weekend.

No one should put too much stock in this until Puffy actually walks out before the fans waving a Palace scarf and talking about how he’s going to resurrect the club and lead it to greatness before he realizes that it won’t make him rich and drops them like a Bad Boy artist.

Puff Daddy could be the advance team for American rappers looking to take over English soccer clubs. Jay-Z has expressed interest in investing in English soccer as well (if you believe the Mirror).

Jay-Z, born Shawn Carter, said: “I don’t know a lot about the business of soccer, but in the future if the right opportunity presented itself, then who knows? I am a businessman, and I will always look at an opportunity, and if it feels right great.”

Obviously he is interested in investing in Arsenal since he is an Arsenal fan. Dave Chappelle says you have to read between the lines. In this case, just draw conclusions that aren’t there Tea Party-style.

Jay is a minority owner of the New Jersey Nets so he does have some familiarity with sports ownership. However dealing with Nets fans is nothing compared to Palace supporters. All he and Sean Combs need to do is take a look at the negative reception received by the Glazers (Manchester United), Tom Hicks (Liverpool) and George Gillett (Liverpool). They could also look to Randy Lerner (Aston Villa) to see how a club should be run by a foreign owner.

Nutmeg Radio suggests that Jay take a closer look and consider an investment in the MLS. It’s not as glamorous as the Premier League or even the Championship but the league is growing despite Jim Rome’s wishes. A second New York team owned by the Roc would provide a boost to the game’s development in the inner city. It would encourage further investment in the league. There’s also the benefit of preventing the Wilpons from taking the franchise and loading it with injury-prone, elderly Dominicans picked by Omar Minaya.

In the meantime, other rappers should cross the pond and invest in the money pits known as football clubs. Someone should warn them that they aren’t actual clubs. Making it rain and pouring champagne on bitches would be frowned upon however beating opposing supporters might be acceptable in some circumstances especially at Millwall. It’s all about compromise. You’re on the clock, Cash Money Billionaires/MillionairesThousandaires/whatever.

A friend living in London once described Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium as that sexy French hooker on the corner. You walk by her every day and ignore her but eventually you have to try her. She went to a match and now she’s an Arsenal supporter.

Champions League soccer could be described in the same manner except you’re pretty much guaranteed to get burned unless you’re a supporter of the team that wins the Big Cup. All others get a trip to the free clinic but they keep coming back every year hoping that they’ll emerge free from infection like Prince Akeem’s bride to be. No such luck. I, like many other Chelsea supporters, am going through the stages of grief after Chelsea’s ejection by Inter Milan. Our first offering this week could be considered acceptance.

Ay! That’s A Good Football!

It can be frustrating to watch soccer due to terrible announcers like Tommy Smyth. Biased commentators also infuriate viewers. College basketball fans rant about Dick Vitale dropping to his knees for Duke every year however they don’t have to deal with blatant bias like this.

Crystal Palace ‘Til The Casket Drop?

Manchester United and Liverpool supporters think they have it bad with American ownership? Wait until they get a load of Crystal Palace and P Diddy. That’s right. It’s all about the Benjamins or Queens in their case as the club currently lies in administration.

The Sun reports that Diddy/Puffy/Puff Daddy/Sean Combs/Whatever is interested in buying the cash-strapped club which is fighting off relegation. He also looked at Portsmouth who are also in administration but still in the Premier League.

Diddy’s UK spokesman (or a Sun source) said:

“Diddy was in London meeting football fixers a couple of weeks ago. The finance is in place, he’s just deciding who he thinks he’ll make a bid for.

“Portsmouth were mentioned but he thought Palace were a better idea.

“He could cover their debt and bankroll a return to the Premier League. He liked the name as well.”

Diddy liked the name. Aw he’s just like those women who fill out NCAA tournament brackets based on what team colors they like best. Palace could use the money and name recognition he would bring internationally. However they’re probably more concerned with avoiding relegation at this point.

Think about the possibilities. Farnsworth Bentley could work for Diddy again. He could buy Sean Wright-Phillips and turn him into the new Ma$e. Imagine SWP rockin’ the shiny suit while his dad Ian, a former Palace player, throws pound notes in the crowd and pours Ciroc on the honeys. “Do S got the ladies? Yeah yeah! Do Puff drive Mercedes? Yeah yeah! Take hits from the 80s? But do it sound so crazy? Yeah yeah!”

Palace should be careful. Having big money doesn’t mean success or recovery. Just ask any artist who signed for Bad Boy. Diddy sucks them dry, doesn’t promote them then bounces when they aren’t selling any more. Just ask 112, Total, BBD, Craig Mack, The Lox, Black Rob or any other artist/group you can remember. Thought I told you that we won’t stop only applies to Diddy. It’s the new royal “we”. 50 Cent would probably be a better bet.

Now Goldenballs Has More Time For Things Like These

Poor David Beckham. His international career is finished. Well his international playing career. Rumor has it that he wants to accompany England to South Africa and cheer them on during the World Cup. Hopefully manager Fabio Capello agrees only if he wears a mascot costume. They already have a mascot so what’s the point unless he wants to Jay Leno the current guy out of his job?

Beckham should focus his energies on playing for the Galaxy next month cause it’s the MLS. He could also film more commercials like this one for Adidas which also features DJ Neil Armstong, Snoop Dogg, Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown among others.

Until next week.

RIP Alex Chilton.