I'm sorry, what?

Just in case you didn’t know before reading this, I am a girl.  And, like any stereotypical girl, I also happen to be rather fond of shopping. I like shopping for pretty much anything, clothes, purses, shoes, and make-up. I even like the trying on part but, I’ll be honest that I especially like the buying part.  There is just one exception to my love of shopping, I LOATHE shopping for fan gear. 

I hate it so much, I avoid it at all costs and sometimes just opt for wearing my team’s colors.  Why the seething hatred?  Because shopping for fan gear is an extremely frustrating experience. Why? Because I don’t like sparkles, pink (unless it’s the teams color or made to raise awareness for breast cancer), team earrings, team purses, going to a game looking like I am there solely to whore myself, or wearing clothes that don’t fit. Yeah, that’s a lot to dislike.  Hence the moving on to loathing levels. 

Women can’t buy fitted baseball caps.  Instead,  We have to buy those baseball caps with the metal belt thingy in the back, which is miserable to adjust, or buy the plastic snap adjustable ones, which never fit right and look silly when you have a long piece of plastic leftover in the back.  I am sure you are not shocked to learn I do not own a single baseball cap.  At rainy games, I wish I had a hat that fit right.  At sunny games, I wish I had a hat that fit right. 

Women also can’t buy authentic NFL Jersey’s.  Replica and premier jerseys only.  Need help choosing from the options that are available?  Take a look at NFL.com’s guidelines for women shopping for a jersey: 

“Women’s NFL® jerseys from Reebok® have a slimmer, shorter, tighter fit that hits just below the waistline. NFL Shop customer feedback suggests that you should select a size larger than normal when purchasing these jerseys. If you prefer a boxier cut, a kids’ size may fit better, and if you’re looking for a fuller cut and longer length, choose a smaller men’s jersey.”

Gee thanks, but the guide doesn’t work.  Don’t tell me it’s too hard to make clothes that fit us cause if Target can make girls strapless dresses that fit just fine, I have faith that the multi-billion dollar industry that is the NFL can figure it out.  But they haven’t yet.  Women’s jerseys never fit right.  They are too short, too tight in the boobs, and too big everywhere else.  Who thought having boobs should cause a problem?  Clearly the makers of jerseys think women should be flat-chested.  So, I can buy a smaller men’s jersey, right?  Wrong.  The smaller sizes of the men’s jerseys are down to my mid thighs at a minimum and sometimes down to my knees.  So, I usually opt to go with the kids jerseys, which always makes me think, seriously?  Is this really the best they can offer?  At least I get to save money, right?   Right, but I would still rather pay more for something that fit properly.

It also seems as if the marketing geniuses, probably men, thought that in order to make women purchase fan gear, it needed to be sparkly or come in pink. 

Pink and sparkly at one time, YAY!

It isn’t completely their fault though.  There are a lot of women out there who want pink sparkly clothes available for every occasion, including their one and only trip to The Green Monster. 

Hmmm, why does he look so happy? Oh, I totally get it now. He's not a Romo fan. He's trying to make fun of Romo? Jessica? Wait, I'm still not sure.

Quite frankly, in my opinion, the only jersey that should be made in pink is Tony Romo’s but, it should come in all sizes so that even his male fans can be forced to wear it when he fumbles away their playoff chances next time. Just kidding.  Okay, I lied, I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why sports stores offer them.  They offer them because girls, who are more concerned about how they look in orange and think they look like, so much better in pink, buy them.  However,  they should be offered as an option, for girls below the age of 13 only, ID required for purchase.  It shouldn’t be force fed down my throat every time I walk into a Modell’s.  To be honest, I don’t think other women should wear them either.  But, the only way to make stores stop selling them is for girls to stop buying them.  So, PLEASE, stop buying them.  Remember last year when the Titans decided to stomp all over some terrible towels on the sideline?  After the game, it was repeated all over the media, discussed endlessly, and was considered a display of intended disrespect?  Wearing a pink jersey is kinda like that.  So, in my opinion, fan gear should be worn in the authentic team colors only, and, should not be worn in the form of a pair of earrings or an ugly purse.  So, until the teams I root for change their colors to include pink, which I seriously doubt will ever happen, I will never be caught dead in one. 

There needs to be a better option and it seems there are others who agree with me.  There have been recent efforts to tap into the female fan market.  MLB has been at the front of a movement to offer female fans options while baseball reap’s the benefits of tapping into an undervalued market with few desirable options.  So, what made MLB wake up and pay attention?   I would also like to think that someone recognized that men will continue wearing their favorite players t-shirt or jersey long after the shirt is stained, wripped, torn, or their favorite player has retired.  Women, on the other hand, will want options in their wardrobe based on weather, time of the game, or who’s playing that day.  I mean shoot, I know I would never wear a shirt again after there was a big mustard stain on it, I;m just sayin.  Or, someone figured out that MLB Statistics indicate women account for over 40% of fans in attendance at their games.  In leading this movement, MLB partnered with Alyssa Milano and G-III apparel to launch the Touch Line.  The line was then introduced into the NFL, and now, the NHL as well with some college gear thrown in.  Some of the clothes are actually pretty cute.  HOWEVER, most of the items offered are tight, short, show lots of cleavage, and are super-girly, by which I mean you can’t even tell it’s fan gear unless you look very very closely, if anyone looking ever got past the cleavage, that is.  

I am apologizing in advance if this is your mom in her mom jeans.

I know the men reading this aren’t complaining; however, picture that shirt on someone who doesn’t look like Alyssa Milano.  Plus, excuse me if I don’t want to take her fashion advice.  She dated Eric Nies, Carl Pavano, Barry Zito, and Brad Penny.  That’s like a parade of athletic douches.  So, maybe she is designing these clothes for girls who want to look like they date douches?  Word of advice ladies.  You don’t want to look like you want to date a douche, do you?  To be fair though, some of it is wearable and pretty cute.  The hoodies, some t-shirts, and that’s about it.  Tunics and baby doll dresses with a red sox logo on it isn’t my idea of fan gear.

Instead of making further improvements; however, female fan gear has just taken a step backwards.  For all the girls who wear those lame ass sweat pants with Juicy across your asses that make you look like you take it up the ass, Victoria Secret has made something for you.  They just had to throw their hats in the ring with their PINK brand.  I can see the whores, oops I meant hordes, of girls now.  Before you know it, the shirts will say hottest _____fan, right across their ass.  I personally can’t wait because, trust me, even in jeans and a normal t-shirt, when I talk about sports, guys always take me seriously.  These items of clothing will undoubtedly make the girls wearing it look like they are at the game for anything other than the game itself, even if it isn’t true. 

So, fashion designers take note, make something more appropriate, I can guarantee you at least one customer.

Yesterdaky, Uncle Teddy reached a deal with the estate of Abe Polin on a purchase price for the Verizon Center and the Washington Wizards.  Now, if only the Wizards can stockpile 7 first round picks in the next 3 years or 11 in the next 5 years, get lucky in the lottery with a #1 pick and use that pick to grab one of the greatest players in the game then Uncle Teddy will cement his place in the hearts of all Washingtonians as THE GREATEST OWNER CURRENTLY IN TOWN.

Ted Leonsis appears to be the owner in DC that fans want Dan Snyder and any of the Lerners to become, which I can kinda understand.  He seems to treat people well, doesn’t abuse the fact that he is massively wealthy too much, he actually talks to the fans (a novel concept), he hasn’t raised ticket prices too much (except this season, YIKES what a hike) in his ownership tenure and has even cut them once or twice…but do not forget he wasn’t always this way.  This guy was Dan Snyder Jr. with a violent streak (he did punch a fan once) when he first got the team, buying up aging veterans and constantly trying to compete the wrong way…then he got the sports equivalent of religion and his flock began to gather.

Somewhere after the disastrous 2002-03 playoff appearance, Leonsis discovered the NHL draft and using ancient scrolls that contained the blueprint of the Florida Marlins World Series titles (of all teams!) he sold off every single asset he had for future players and minor leaguers.  People loved getting rid of Jagr in this town, but I can’t say that anyone enjoyed watching the Capitals that 2003 season.  Poor Peter Bondra didn’t deserve to have his tenure here end like that nor should the best player on your team ever be named Robert Lang.

Nevertheless, from 2002-2006 the Washington Capitals had 11 first round picks.  ELEVEN!  Sure the team sucked balls from 2003-2006 but who cares now, right?  Who are those guys they drafted with those picks?  You might have heard of some of them like: Steve Eminger, Alexander Semin, Boyd Gordon, Eric Fehr, Alexander Ovechkin, Jeff Schultz, Mike Green, and Nicklas Backstrom.  Green, Backstrom, Semin and Ovechkin are the top 4 point scorers for the Capitals this season and Fehr isnt far behind at #9.  So with those accumulated picks and players and a whole lot of luck, he’s built a foundation of players that he could control on the cheap for quite awhile and contend for titles…and the fans were happy and decided to fill his church and wear red…lots of red.

That is the good news.

The bad news is, what happened with the Capitals will likely never happen again and especially not to the Washington Wizards.  God only created the Earth once as far as we know.  The NBA is a different game when it comes to team rebuilding, look at the Minnesota Timberwolves and ask them how rebuilding is going…and they traded away Kevin Garnett!  The Wizards have no assets to trade for picks anymore after their gutting this season.  There is no Alexander Ovechkin to come save the Wizards in the draft either, John Wall is not going to elevate this team to another level even if they get the #1 pick.

Just because Leonsis is now the owner, it doesn’t mean that the Wizards are going to suddenly be able to rebuild “the right way”.  There is so much luck in the draft it would be foolish to think the Wizards could duplicate the success of the Capitals even if they tried to follow that blueprint.  They also don’t have a ton of cash to throw around in free agency thanks to the $100 million albatross in Gilbert Arenas they have.  Rebuilding for Leonsis this time is going to be a lot longer than it was with the Capitals.  Its going to hurt…for awhile.

So, while it is nice to know that the Wizards and the Verizon Center are in good hands in that they have an owner that seems like he will spend the money to look after them the right way, I don’t understand the mindset that believes Ted Leonsis will suddenly cure the Wizards of sucking.

They’ve sucked for over 30 years people…they are going to keep sucking.   If you’re a Wizards fan, the team is essentially the girl you love that will break your heart, tease you just enough to lure you back in to give her just ONE MORE CHANCE, only to have your heart broken in a new and spectacularly different way before she lures you in again and starts the cycle anew…on a yearly basis.  As much as people love him…Uncle Teddy ain’t gonna change that anytime soon.

-The team is incredibly well-rounded.  With nine games left in their schedule, they have five players with 50 or more points.  Two others have more than 45. 

-What’s the basic premise in hockey?  Score more goals than your opponent.  At +81, their goal differential is ridiculous.  The next closest is Chicago with +57.  It’s the highest differential since the 2005-2006 season. 

-They’re pretty great on the road.  With 22 road victories, they’re tied for the most in the NHL.  They’re also pretty good at home — their 27 wins on home ice is also tied for most in the league.

-Jose Theodore and Semyon Varmalov are not exactly reminiscent of Domink Hasek or Patrick Roy (although Theodore has been 17-0-2 since mid-January), but winning a cup with slightly above-average goalies has been done in the not-to-distant past.  In 2005-2006, the Cup-winning Carolina Hurricanes had two goalies with GAA’s and Save %’s worse than both Theodore and Varmalov.  Much like this season’s Capitals, those Hurricanes spread the wealth: they too had over five players with 50 points or more.

-Olympics heroics or not (and really, is it that hard to win a gold medal when Rick Nash and Jerome Iginla are your line-mates?), the Capitals have arguably the best player in hockey.  And he’s not afraid to hit somebody.

-They show up for big games.  Undefeated in three games against the Penguins this year.  The Flyers?  An imperfect 3-1, with the one loss coming in the third game of the season.  In those four games against Philly: 23 goals scored.  Three wins against playoff-bound Buffalo.  Wins against Detroit and Chicago.  The one team they’ve had trouble with all year, the New Jersey Devils, they beat 4-1 in their last meeting.  The Caps aren’t afraid of anyone.

In a town that desperately needs a winner, the Washington Capitals have the opportunity to banish the misery of DC sports fans everywhere.  At least until the Redskins start training camp… 

Watch this somewhat entertaining video of Swedish hockey player Almtunas Kim Karlsson forgetting to take his skate guards off when hittin the ice hard…and crawling back to the bench to get them taken off.  Oh those wacky Swedes!