Reading Between the Headlines

Friday, April 30th, 2010 at 12:09 pm  
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Was there a major upset in hockey this week?  I must’ve missed it.
 
Ok, I’ll take the hit, let’s have it.  The Capitals lost and my inspired prediction for this year’s Stanley Cup Playoff is already busted.  But as Smooth Jimmy Apollo once said, “When you’re right 52% of the time, you’re wrong 48% of the time.” 
 
Watching the Capitals the last three games of their series with Montreal was incredibly painful for any DC hockey fan.  Instead of the wide-open, rush-the-goalie style they’ve employed all year, they were completely unaggressive, playing not to lose.  Thirty-three times in this series the Caps had a power play opportunity and failed to convert on all of them but one.  Their three goals in Games 5-7 were the lowest three-game output they’ve had all year (previous low: 6 [!]).  And as a final kick to the nether regions, this is the second year in a row the team has lost a Game 7 at home.  Not good.
 
So where do they go from here?  Well, the core of the team should be back next year and with a farm team that has dominated its league the last two seasons, there should be more help on the way.  It’s not much solace, but it’s something… Until then, let’s move on to some headlines:
So now a reformed drug addict with Elvis Presley-like tendencies (not the “Blue Hawaii” good kind) is calling Ben out?  Man, that is rough.  Luckily for Ben, it’s not 2003 anymore, so it’s unlikely anyone will actually listen to the song.
The stadium will now include unprotected upper decks so fans can throw themselves off them when the team loses… Or when the line at Boog’s gets too long.
  • Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland was criticized for asking draft prospect Dez Bryant if his mother was a prostitute.
How Jeff Ireland is still breathing on this earth is a mystery to me.  Part of me wonders if Jeff’s just a little lonely.
Hmmm.  I wonder if it had anything to do with this story.  One hundred twenty mistresses is a pretty respectable number, Eldrick.  In fact, I’d wager that number is higher than Tiger Woods Fanboys Jim Nantz, Scott Van Pelt and Verne Lundquist, combined.  Here’s why I think this story is crap: Elin wants a divorce because Tiger bumped uglies with the next door neighbor.  Right.  Your husband is sleeping with strippers and porn stars but you’re more upset about the neighborhood girl?  Come on.  Six months ago, if you told me I could be anyone in the world at that moment, Tiger Woods would have easily been in my Top Ten.  Now?  Damn, I’d almost rather be Big Ben.  Almost.
Adding to the Rays good fortune, Patriots coach Bill Belichick sent Rays manager Joe Maddon a personalized hoodie.  I guess it’s only a matter of time until we find out Maddon has cameras placed in centerfield to steal signs.  Not to be outdone, Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan sent Yankee manager Joe Girardi self-tanner.
  • LeBron James has reportedly won his second straight Most Valuable Player award.
Congrats to Bron-Bron.  However, with this award comes the ominous news that LeBron’s elbow is mysteriously injured.  It’s pretty clear what’s going on here.  Know what happens when you play too many video games?  You hurt your elbow.  Through the magic of the Internet, I found LeBron playing online not too long ago.
 
That’s it for this week.  No more predictions for 2010.  At least until football season starts. 

Ten Things I Think I Think, Peter King Style

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 at 11:25 am  
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I’m not a huge Peter King fan, but once you get past his blatant homerism (King is to the Patriots what Peter Gammons is to the Red Sox) and his ruminations about airport bathrooms, coffee, and television (PK loves “The Nard Dog“), his Monday Morning Quarterback articles are actually pretty informative (as well as provide some of the best comic relief on the Internet).  “Ten Things I Think I Think” is supposed to be a section of his column devoted to quick hitters you’d most likely find on Twitter, but it’s really just a laundry list of his random thoughts that morph into something more like “38 Things I Think I Think.”  Anyway, I’ll keep the basic premise, but spare you the stories about colonoscopies.
 
1. I know I’m not the first person to say this, but I really think the Phillies are going to regret giving Ryan Howard $25M a year into his late thirties.  Howard is a wonderful player who is a bit underrated: since 2006, he has consistently mashed the baseball for over 140 games a year.  However, at 30 years old, he’s probably begun to enter the decline phase of his career and while he has worked to alter the reputation that he has a “bad body,” he still doesn’t profile as a guy who will be doing much more than players like Mo Vaughn and Richie Sexson did at similar points in their careers.  For pending free agent Albert Pujols, prepare to own the Arch.
 
2. The Cleveland Cavaliers are in real trouble if they think Shaq is the missing piece that will carry them past Orlando and onto a shot at the championship.  After an uninspired 17 minutes in Game 4, Shaq’s six points and seven rebounds barely eclipsed his five fouls.  Shaq’s creaky play was only amplified by Joakim Noah’s 21 points and 20 rebounds, which will seem like child’s play if they have to face Dwight Howard.
 
3. Jaroslav Halak absolutely owned the Capitals in Game 6 of their playoff series.  It didn’t matter what edge the Caps had: two-man advantage, whatever.  Fifty-three saves.  While I still think the Capitals will win Game 7 at home, this sets up a dangerous precedent for them: the NHL playoffs are an entire second season.  At some point, you have to win a series in less than six games, rest up and regroup.  The Caps’ last four playoff series have gone seven games — they have to learn to finish teams off… And to score on a power play.
 
4. Bryce Harper has to be the first overall pick in June’s MLB Amateur Draft.  Playing in a junior college league with wooden bats, he’s hit 21 homeruns in 47 games with 15 stolen bases.  Oh yeah, the 6’3 205 lbs kid also plays catcher, closes games with a fastball that touches 96, and isn’t old enough to vote.  Yep, he’s only 17.  Forget the supposed character issues: show me a person who wasn’t a jackass when they were 17.  Stan Kasten: pay that man his money.
 
5. The on-going discussion about the BCS conferences expanding along with the imminent explosion of the NCAA Tournament only magnifies the fallacy of the term “student athlete.”  I understand they get a free education and opportunities that 99% of normal college kids will never get, but $10.8 billion is a serious amount of money.  That’s not surprising, but let’s be honest: college sports has quickly become one of the most exploitative uses of labor in the history of sports.  Unreal.
 
6.  Maybe there is something to the hate: A-Rod has the longest homerun trot of anyone on the Yankees.  I guess if you make almost as much as an baseball entire team, you’ve earned it. 

This guy right here supposedly only sleeps three hours a night. You'd think that'd leave plenty of time for an adult haircut.

7. While it would be devastating to Caps fans if they failed to make it to the Stanley Cup Finals, the San Jose Sharks might have them beat in the “choke” department if they can’t advance in Round 2.  Since 2005-2006, the Sharks have averaged 109 points in the regular season, making them perhaps the best regular season team in the Western Conference.  And yet, they still have found themselves sitting at home during the conference finals.  Early signs are not good: the Sharks struggled with a Colorado, a team that backed its way into the Playoffs.  

8. If Las Vegas took bets on the number of times Jon Gruden said, “This guy” during last weekend’s draft, they’d have to set the over/under at 9,843,344.  Coach, please get a new verbal crutch.  I’m not sold on Gruden as an analyst – for every “this guy right here” there’s a “QB Camp” where Gruden just annihilates the hopes and dreams of 22 year-olds, which is sports schadenfreude at its best.  If I was a football player I’d hate to play for him, but I’d love it if he coached my team.
 
9. I think taking your team’s ace (who’s making close to $19 million this season) and installing him as a setup man is a desperate move, even if you think he’ll eventually be moved back to the rotation.  Carlos Zambrano hasn’t been the ace the Cubs are paying him to be, but he’s still better than Carlos Silva.  This is a no-win move for the Cubs: Zambrano hasn’t pitched in relief since 2002, so this is no Joba Chamberlain situation.  What if his return to the rotation doesn’t happen as quickly as Zambrano would like?  What happens if Zambrano is actually really good at relieving but Silva and the rest of the rotation begin to implode?  Shortcuts like this don’t usually work.  The Cubbies are grasping.  
 
Former NFL running back Najeh Davenport, who joined the [Pittsburgh] Steelers that season [2005] after spending four seasons in Green Bay, says he soon heard the jabs at [Ben] Roethlisberger, then 24, despite the quarterback’s remarkable two-year résumé of success. “Team leaders there didn’t respect the fact that he didn’t respect what it took to be like a champion, like a true champion,” Davenport says.

Reading Between the Headlines

Friday, April 23rd, 2010 at 12:05 pm  
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When you think about it, televised amateur drafts are really just free-for-alls for pea-brained analysts utilizing their worst skill: extemporaneous speaking.  I’ve had a fair amount of extemporaneous speaking experience in my life and I realize its hard, but people that have been doing it for as long as Stuart Scott and Chris Berman just shouldn’t be this bad at it (it also probably helped that my coach was and is the Red Auerbach in our metro area, but I digress).  

In any case, the NFL draft also reignites the internal struggle “Childhood Duke” has with “Adult Duke:” will I ever buy another jersey again?  Growing up, wearing jerseys was pretty awesome: they were as close to the field as kids could get.  Aside from wearing your hero’s colors, they also made a sweet fashion statement in 5th grade.  And while I eventually grew out of them, there’s a part of me that would still like to wear one, even if it’s just to a sporting event.  Yet, somehow, I just can’t bring myself to do it.  As Shawn Carter stated, “And I don’t wear jerseys, I’m thirty-plus…”  Never thought I’d be taking inspiration from Jay-Z, but oh well.  On to some headlines…

Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy in 2008.  He threw 67 passes in 2009.  There are many reports that suggest he will be guaranteed $50M before he throws one in 2010.  And people think the economics in baseball are messed up.  Right…

  • The Denver Broncos traded picks for three hours in order to draft WR Demaryius Thomas and QB Tim Tebow.

The look Mel gave after the Broncos drafted Tebow. Look at that head of hair: it's glorious! By the way, (Gruden) "This guy here works his tail off all year for one weekend of glory. You KNOW we're gonna use two shots of him for this article!"

Basically, the Denver Broncos played grabass with 31 other teams in order to pass on the consensus top receiver and #2 and #3-rated QBs.  Josh McDaniels, I know Bill Belichick, and you sir, are no Bill Belichick.  Bill doesn’t use draft picks.  I also can’t wait for more sanctimonious pieces of crap like this, where we can be admonished for doubting the sainted Tim.  By the way, Jon Gruden, what did you think?

I enjoy laughing at A-Rod.  The mirror-kissing, the crazy paintings, everything.  I’m pretty sure he is repped by Turtle from Entourage because there is no way Scott Boras would ever let him continually act the fool.  Nonetheless, A-Rod owned this guy named “Dallas,” who was actually born in Phoenix.  While ”Phoenix” threw a temper tantrum on the mound and kicked and screamed in the postgame interview, “the Rod” actually showed some restraint and pulled a Jeter-esque move:
 “He just told me to get off his mound,” Rodriguez said. “That was a little surprising. I’ve never quite heard that. Especially from a guy that has a handful of wins in his career.”

And I think that just about ends that argument.  “Phoenix,” you just got owned by this guy.

This is the league with the ref who got busted for gambling on his own NBA games and then wrote a book about how common it was within the industry?  And yet, we have seen no far-reaching reforms within the league to fix officiating personnel that are widely-recognized as the worst in professional sports.  Damn you David Stern for making me agree with Bill Simmons.
I have to admit, I was a little nervous after last week’s Game 1s.  The Caps have been known around the DC area as the resident “choking dogs,” but when you have a guy who does stuff like this, for some reason, you feel a little bit more confident about your chances.  Now that the Devils are out, Washington and Pittsburgh have a decent shot at meeting up again in the conference finals. 
 
That’s it for this week.  Everyone have a good weekend.  I’ll be working on my sliding technique. 

Randy Moeller Doesn’t See Anything Wrong With A Little Bump and Grind

Monday, April 19th, 2010 at 9:22 am  
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Randy Moeller and the Dan LeBatard show strike again. The Florida Panthers radio announcer is making a name for himself with some of the best goal calls in the business. They usually incorporate TV, music or film quotes that come from the hosts or listeners of the Dan LeBatard Show in Miami.

The show put together another compilation of Moeller’s best calls for your listening pleasure. Enjoy the closest thing the US has to a Mexican soccer announcer.

Time to make the doughnuts!

Reading Between the Headlines

Friday, April 16th, 2010 at 12:02 pm  
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As we glide into warmer weather and brighter days, we’re still stuck with a deluge of crappy stories.  I’m wondering when we’ll get a break from the sexual assaults, projectile vomiting, and the Baltimore Orioles.  Prepare for your weekend away from the mess with some headlines:

Granted, it’s really early, and I’m pretty sure Game 7 for both of their series isn’t scheduled until the beginning of June, but I can’t think of a worse follow-up to the NHL’s success at the Vancouver games than to lose its two marquee players in the first round of the playoffs.  That would be devastating.  I consider myself fairly knowledgeable about sports, but if you asked me to name 100 current NHLers right now, I probably couldn’t do it.  The NHL needs a Caps-Pens matchup more than a USA medal finish in just about every way.

New Jersey?  Phillies fan?  Drunk?  Too, too easy.  Very quickly, let me just check something:

 

Yep, big fat pig.  Have fun in jail, jerk.  And where was Green Man when you need him?  Speaking of which: dressing up as Green Man is TIRED.  Green Man first came on the scene in September 2007.  Since that time, I can say without a doubt, I’ve seen at least one attention-seeking pencil neck dressed as Green Man at each outdoor concert and sporting event I’ve attended.  Whatever happened to going to a game, having a few beers, betting on the condiment race and scoping out other dudes’ girlfriends?

  • Jay-Z is suing David Ortiz after Ortiz named his Dominican nightclub after the rapper’s chain of 40/40 clubs. 

Rough month for Papi: benched by Tito Francona, he’s struck out in half of his at bats, and now he’s being sued.  I wonder if part of the settlement will include an agreement indicating who’s overpriced sinkhole gets to go out of business first.  Celebrity-themed restaurants and bars are almost always terrible tourist traps.  I will write more about this phenomenon one day.  Dan Majerle, you’re on notice.

First of all: if you go to a bar and see a celebrity and you’re stalking doesn’t convince them to a) leave, or b) call the cops, please don’t record them.  It’s weird, it’s creepy and you’re ruining it for the rest of us.  I’ve hung out in places where celebrities have let loose and let me tell you: it’s awesome.  But as soon as you pull out a camera, you ruin it for everyone else.  Now Jerry Jones will never go to a public place and drink ever again.  See what you did, nerds?  Jerry, I’ll get drunk with you and you can call me a “piece of s—“ anytime you want. 

We’ve discussed “Young Dummies with Money Syndrome” before, so I won’t get into it again, but I will say if there is a dumber guy in football than Ben Roethlisberger, I’d sure as hell like to meet him.  When you’ve got Terry Bradshaw giving you life advice, you must be really, really slow.  And how will the Steelers be punishing him?  By trading away their best receiver for nothing?  Never mind, they already did that.

Whenever I think of kidney stones, I think of Kramer. 

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: What’s with you?

KRAMER: I got a stone.

JERRY: What stone?

KRAMER: A kidney stone.

JERRY: What is that, anyway?

KRAMER: It’s a, it’s a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It’s forced out through the urine!

JERRY: Oh, that’s gotta hurt.

Indeed.  Have a great weekend.  Let’s hope for a weekend where everybody stays out of jail and keeps their pants on.