You know you’ve reached the waning days of summer when the Sports Illustrated College Football Preview lands in your mailbox. As a kid, you hate to see that issue because it means summer is almost over and you have to go back to school. For some, as you get older, for four (or five) falls, that means you get to head back to college and live in a place that is pants-optional. After that, it just means fall is near, so don’t forget to treat the lawn for cooler temperatures! Lame.
In any case, the SI College Football issue gives hope to people that love college football and are fanatical about their alma mater or adopted alma mater. However, this only works if your team is actually good. SI used to rank all 100+ D1 teams with a predicted won-loss record. That was heartbreaking for many of us as we would page through the Top 25, Top 50, Top 75, and then finally settle into the Top 104, which is where we’d find our school, nestled between football powerhouses Kent State and Buffalo. In college football, hope doesn’t always spring eternal, but tailgates do, so it’s not all bad. On to some headlines:
- Rex Ryan and Tony Dungy had a “man to man” discussion about Ryan’s cursing on “Hard Knocks.”
I lived in New York for a time and became engrossed in their culture of fandom. It was fascinating to hear about the division between Jets v. Giants fans, Yankees v. Mets fans, and the Knicks v. a team of mole people. Nonetheless, without fail, Jets fans fulfilled almost every Jets fan stereotype you’ve ever heard. They were insufferable. As much as I despised the Giants, I tended to watch more of their games because every time I saw Woody Johnson or Eric Mangini on television, it made me want to quit watching football. Rex Ryan has changed all of that. Ever since that first string of F-bombs and handful of pretzel M&Ms, I’ve become smitten. I hope they win the Super Bowl. Who cares if that means a nationwide shortage of Skoal? I want to see Rex unleash a stream of curses while eating a Chipotle burrito so large it makes Joe Buck look like a child.
- Seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens was indicted for perjury.
Clemens is either a massive liar or this is the worst case of “guilty by association” in history. This is really just the nail in the coffin of an already-tarnished legacy: Clemens was always viewed as a jerk who didn’t really play with much class or humility. Between his exit in Boston, forcing a trade out of Toronto, then lying to the Yankees about retirement, he has never really been anything more than a “me-first” player. Sure, this just about crushes any chance of a Hall-of-Fame election for him, but to be honest, even if he was elected, it’s not like any of his teams would look to him as an ambassador of the game. Maybe he should just tell the judge he was hypnotized.
- NY Giants QB Eli Manning needed 10-15 stitches to close a cut he received during a preseason game.
Wayne Gretzky is one of my favorite hockey players ever. Nonetheless, one of my favorite moments in “Swingers” occurs when Vince Vaughn’s character makes “Little Wayne’s” head bleed during a game of NHL ’94. In terms of players who I’d most like to see this happen to, Eli Manning is up there. So is his brother. As well as Jay Cutler. And Tony Romo. I don’t have any particular disdain for these guys, nor do I wish them any bodily harm, but I just think if it’s going to happen to anyone, I want it to happen to them. If it happened to Rex Ryan, I think the world might explode in badass. He’d probably wipe his forehead with hot dog roll and get back to coaching.
- The Pittsburgh Pirates signed a 16 year-old pitcher from Mexico.
Piece of advice for Pirates management: keep this kid out of the Arizona Fall League.
- David Beckham is the highest paid player in MLS.
Looking pretty and feminine is expensive! Plus, he’s got to take care of his wife and family’s expenses as well. Haha! Oh Becks, we kid because you’re a washed-up soccer player that really hasn’t done too much in the last ten years to warrant any kind of attention, but you married a plastic Spice Girl that loves Los Angeles so now we’re stuck with you. And yet, you make millions. This has been your “Why It Rules to be a Professional Athlete” update.
That’s all for this week. Thank you very much indeed for your support of the Deuce. We know the postings haven’t been as regular as we’d like, but the next few weeks promise to bring some new (and hopefully funny) things that have absolutely nothing to do with Stat Boy. Until then, if you need me, I’ll be pre-gaming.