I was walking up the West Side Highway a week or two ago on my way to Lincoln Center to pick up some opera tickets. I was consumed with my thoughts and blasting some Tevin Campbell on the iPhone when I came across this ad near the USS Intrepid museum.**

You know it’s bad when Manhattan Mini Storage goes from making fun of George W. Bush and Paris Hilton to mocking the Mets. Consider this picture a reminder to fans out there who still harbor some delusional thought that this season will be anything but disastrous for the city’s second team. Accept your fate before the season starts and you’ll find that it’ll be much easier to deal with 162 games filled with ineptitude and failure.

I’m an Orioles fan. I’ve been used to losing for years. In the years immediately after 1997, I used to get my hopes up only to have them crushed and realize they were who I (and everyone else) thought they were. Now winning streaks don’t get me excited and losing streaks I expect like the sun rising in the morning or Jim Tressel lying his corrupt ass off. I try not to pay attention but I always get sucked back in around the start of spring training. Every season I come up with a reason that sounds rational at the time. This year? It’s the Buck Showalter plan. Let him build up the team, fire his ass and the O’s will win a World Series two years after he leaves. Never question the plan.

Who can forget the Mets choking down the home stretch a few years ago? It was actually quite impressive. Their fans were suicidal and neutrals like myself could only laugh and watch in amazement.

Chin up, Mets fans. At least you won’t have to deal with hilarious pictures like the one above this season. Consider live games an opportunity to work on your tan, get drunk and find someone new to hate since Oliver Perez has left the building. Go early and often, kids. Who knows how long it will be until foreclosure proceedings start on Citi Field thanks to the Madoffs.

** All of that is true. Fuck. I’m that guy. I’ve become what I… Jesus, I have some thinking to do. I should go.

“No! No! Don’t shut me up! What the fuck is it with you?”

What works for Christian Bale also works for Brooklyn Cyclones manager Wally Backman. He doesn’t have time for niceties when dealing with incompetents like minor league umpires. Check this freak out from his time managing the South Georgia Peanuts. NSFW language plus bonus equipment tossing.

Getting tossed from a game is nothing after DUI’s and bankruptcies. What’s an umpire going to do to Wally that he hasn’t seen before? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

If Wally was on the set, he definitely would have trashed Shane’s lights. (NSFW language) He doesn’t make threats. He carries them out. Collateral damage be damned.

Watch enough sports and you’ll get the feeling that while analysts seem like pretty nice guys that enjoy interacting with the fans, don’t ever forget: you never played or worked in the game, so leave the heavy lifting for us.  When you’re younger, you tend to give them the benefit of the doubt because, well, what do you know anyway?

Of course, as you get older, those feelings of reverence dissipate… rapidly.  AOL Fanhouse “columnist” Steve Phillips is a prime example.  Setting his personal foibles aside (he’s not exactly husband of the year), before Phillips became a prominent personality on ESPN’s baseball programming (and was subsequently fired – for personal reasons), he was also General Manager of the New York Mets. 

Phillips, much like his former colleagues at ESPN, never miss a chance to point out that while casual fans (especially those who are statistically inclined) may love the game, they’ll never “get it” because they didn’t play the game.  It’s a convenient tool to keep most fans from being critical when a commentator suggests guys that walk too much “clog the bases.”  So at the end of the day, who do you trust more: the guy who drafted David Wright; or the guy named “Rob” who probably has never set foot in a locker room?  Logic unfortunately favors the former.

Well, that’s an interesting question, because for every David Wright and Jose Reyes acquisition that Phillips throws around, there’s an overpriced and aged Mo Vaughn or Jeromy Burnitz also lurking on his resume (just above the Jason Bay trade). 

But don’t you dare tell Steve Phillips that you could have done his job any better.  It’s impossible.  Don’t even think about it. Being a GM is tough: you gotta watch video, answer phone calls and go to games.  You don’t know – you didn’t play the game!  Really Steve?  Would stupid fans like us be ignorant enough to suggest a Roy Oswalt for Stephen Strasburg trade, straight up?  Oh wait, you just did that yesterday. 

I’m not trying to pick on Phillips, although his ineptitude has bothered me for a long time, but it’s stories like this that highlight the old boys’ club culture that pervades most sports: you’re either in or you’re out.  So, unless you played the game years ago, you better know someone else who did.  Sure, things have started to change, but the fact that guys like Phillips can still command a presence in baseball is sad: fans deserve better.      

And you know what?  He may have never set foot in a locker room, but Neyer seems like a pretty nice guy who knows his stuff (and who also apprenticed under Bill James — you may have heard of him).

This country should be more thankful to people like ODB, Spice 1 and Three 6 Mafia. Politicians and other self-righteous assclowns criticize rappers for polluting society with terrible lyrics and their “bling”. They should be thankful. It’s these same rappers who are finally going to get payback from the British for all those years of colonialism and oppression. How? Through the thing they love the most. Their soccer teams.

Last week, we brought you news of Diddy’s attempts to buy Crystal Palace which is currently in administration. The Sun reports that he’s getting closer to making a decision (if you believe anything about this at all).

P DIDDY was locked in talks with Phil Alexander, chief executive of the footie club, on Thursday night – thrashing out a possible takeover.

The multi-millionaire rapper now knows exactly how much the skint club in south-east London will cost and is in contact with their administrators.

Diddy – real name Sean Combs – is expected to come back with an offer this weekend.

No one should put too much stock in this until Puffy actually walks out before the fans waving a Palace scarf and talking about how he’s going to resurrect the club and lead it to greatness before he realizes that it won’t make him rich and drops them like a Bad Boy artist.

Puff Daddy could be the advance team for American rappers looking to take over English soccer clubs. Jay-Z has expressed interest in investing in English soccer as well (if you believe the Mirror).

Jay-Z, born Shawn Carter, said: “I don’t know a lot about the business of soccer, but in the future if the right opportunity presented itself, then who knows? I am a businessman, and I will always look at an opportunity, and if it feels right great.”

Obviously he is interested in investing in Arsenal since he is an Arsenal fan. Dave Chappelle says you have to read between the lines. In this case, just draw conclusions that aren’t there Tea Party-style.

Jay is a minority owner of the New Jersey Nets so he does have some familiarity with sports ownership. However dealing with Nets fans is nothing compared to Palace supporters. All he and Sean Combs need to do is take a look at the negative reception received by the Glazers (Manchester United), Tom Hicks (Liverpool) and George Gillett (Liverpool). They could also look to Randy Lerner (Aston Villa) to see how a club should be run by a foreign owner.

Nutmeg Radio suggests that Jay take a closer look and consider an investment in the MLS. It’s not as glamorous as the Premier League or even the Championship but the league is growing despite Jim Rome’s wishes. A second New York team owned by the Roc would provide a boost to the game’s development in the inner city. It would encourage further investment in the league. There’s also the benefit of preventing the Wilpons from taking the franchise and loading it with injury-prone, elderly Dominicans picked by Omar Minaya.

In the meantime, other rappers should cross the pond and invest in the money pits known as football clubs. Someone should warn them that they aren’t actual clubs. Making it rain and pouring champagne on bitches would be frowned upon however beating opposing supporters might be acceptable in some circumstances especially at Millwall. It’s all about compromise. You’re on the clock, Cash Money Billionaires/MillionairesThousandaires/whatever.

The Mets can’t win for trying. Wait, they don’t try. They Minaya. Big difference. Pitchers and catchers report in less than two weeks and the Mets are already preparing to crap their pants. Gary Matthews Jr. and the “real-life Crash Davis” were signed. They also dropped the height of Citi Field’s center field wall. Standard and Poor’s responded by dropping Citi Field’s bond rating to junk status.

The bonds issued in 2006 “do not have a reserve fund with adequate liquidity to support any disruption in project cash flow,” S&P said in a statement. In other words, the rainy-day fund is drier than thought.

S&P, however, said the outlook for the bonds was “stable,” not “negative,” which means another downgrade is not imminent. Moody’s Investor Services lowered its ratings on the bonds to junk status last week.

At least the bond rating matches the product on the field. There’s something to be said for consistency. Fred Wilpon should have offered up Matthews.  If he doesn’t scream “adequate liquidity”, nothing does. The steroids going through Matthews’ blood stream make him priceless!

It’s almost like the Mets are booking a choke in advance. “We just wanted to make sure we got a good seat.” Mets fans are looking forward to the upcoming season with dread. All other baseball fans can’t wait to see how they impode this year. If everything goes pear-shaped, they can take off-brand Crash Davis and make some hybrid Bull Durham/Major League movie. Play ball!