You may have noticed that I like to point out some of the discrepancies between the real world and the professional sports world. Yeah, there aren’t too many jobs where you can just decide to stop showing up in an effort to get paid more, or be welcomed back with open arms after a drunken night out that ends in a sexual assault charge. However, they are human beings just like you and I, and they go through some of the same disappointment and grief we do. Just on a much larger basis. Think about that while you peruse these headlines:
- Days after his divorce, Tiger Woods shot a six-under 65 at The Barclays.
Coincidence? I think not. Anyone think Tiger had a few things on his mind the last few weeks? I think most people can relate: the feeling you get when you a know a doomed relationship is ending is a weird one: sure you’re sad, but you know that a toxic relationship has reached it’s end and that’s a relief. Besides, sadness ain’t nothin’ a little Ambien and a few hookers won’t fix!
- University of Colorado head football coach Dan Hawkins has reportedly asked for an extension.
And when the Board of Regents stopped laughing, they asked Hawkins where he scored his weed, because in order to suggest something like that, he must be stoned. Dude, you have a record of 16-33. You make Rick Neuheisel look like Joe Paterno! Try winning the Champs Sports Bowl and we’ll talk…
- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has the support of NFL owners to extend the regular season to 18 games.
Oh look, it’s the big kid bullying the little kid once again. Hey NFL players, you tired of being worked yet? I don’t know if DeMaurice Smith will try to make his bones with this next labor agreement, but if has any cojones, he will punish the NFL for years of manipulating the players. No guaranteed contracts, shortest average career length, life-threatening work conditions and they want to make the season longer while increasing the players’ revenue share? What, are we still in the Gilded Age? Aside from rendering most modern individual and team records useless, this is a ridiculous request. NFL owners, pay attention to major league baseball. They collectively bitch-slapped the players for about 75 years then the players got pissed. Now you have guys wearing pajama pants, long hair and playing at 50% while making $20 million a year. Which brings me to my next headline…
- The Chicago White Sox are reportedly intererested in claiming LA Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez.
Oh hi, Manny! We were just talking about you.
- Discover Financial Services said Thursday it will be the new sponsor of the Orange Bowl from 2011 to 2014.
Anyone see the connection here? The Orange Bowl is played in Miami. The Discover Card is only available to people over the age of 80. Florida is littered with old people. Brilliant stroke of marketing genius here, Discover Financial Services. Hey fellas, want to find out the quickest way to end a date? Head to a bar with a lady friend, order a round of cocktails and then when it comes time to pay, flash the Discover Card. ”But they give cash back!” Yeah, but try telling that to your date, player.
- As rumors abound that Steve’s season was over, new phenom Bryce Harper took batting practice with the team.
After listening to highlights of Bryce’s presser, I think it’s pretty clear there is a high probability that Bryce Harper has an ego that makes Pete Rose look humble. And since Steve’s gonna probably flame out (Tommy John? Ouch) I think the Nats should hedge their bets and create a new reality show to insure against poor performance. They could call it “K Street” and it would chronicle Steve’s repeated elbow surgeries and rehab outings. Special guest appearance by Rob Dibble, whom Steve will punch in the face when he tries to give him advice. Meanwhile, watch Bryce as he tries to pickup college chicks in Adams Morgan while wearing gobs of eye black and extra-small Hollister polo shirts. It’s gonna be hawt!
Ok, that’s it for me. Everyone have a great weekend. As I sit here waiting for the next wave of “Steve is Prior” posts, I’ll be getting my hair cut like Bryce.