Kansas are who we should have thought they were. It’s hard to feel sorry for the Jayhawks. I have nothing specific against them but I get sincere pleasure out of watching them lose in the tournament every year. It was especially enjoyable to watch them fold against Northern Iowa this past weekend. I thought Roy Williams was back in the hot seat until I saw Bill Self standing by the bench. Bill, you are my son.

Let’s give credit where it’s due and congratulate the Panthers on their massive victory. Hopefully they got their sex panther on when they returned to Cedar Falls. Ali Farokhmanesh will be the face of their improbable tournament run but little has been made of the mythical monster taking up space in the middle. Sasquatch, also known as Jordan Eglseder, made quick work of Cole Aldrich down low. Michigan State better bring Hogzilla or the Chupacabra if they intend to stop the Panthers from making the Elite Eight.

Unfortunately the Spartans might have to rely on a kid named Lucious. He ripped out Maryland’s heart Temple of Doom-style and prevented Route 1 from turning into white Mogadishu for a night. However he’ll have his work cut out for him as his team is limping into the Sweet 16 with a plethora (plethora) of injuries.

“We’re going to need everybody we have in uniform to step up,” [Michigan State head coach Tom] Izzo said. “There were times we had two walk-ons, a freshman and a sophomore on the court Sunday and that probably won’t be the last time in the tournament. Northern Iowa is good, but thank God they’re not a team that presses like Maryland.”

Those could be famous last words. Ask Kansas about UNI’s defense. Don’t make the Sasquatch angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

It’s been a busy week – Tiger’s back, the competition for spring training jobs are tightening up, and Luke Wilson is sponsoring (or it could be AT&T, at this point, I can’t really tell) some college basketball tournament that must not be too popular because it’s on during the day and only on CBS.  Anyway, on to this week’s headlines… 

• Tiger Woods announced he is returning to golf at the Masters.

Shocker.  He picked a tournament at a private, all-male club that has a small field of competition and restricts “patrons” from sneezing without asking for permission first.  Wake me when he plays somewhere that allows “commoners.”  Meanwhile, we got a sneak preview of what the next “Tiger Woods Golf” video game will look like.

• The Big East got hammered on the first day of the NCAA tournament.

Thanks for nothing, Georgetown and Marquette.  JTIII will be getting a bill for my bracket.  What the hell,  Big East?  Just because you got 8 bids doesn’t mean you need to lose them all the first weekend.  Villanova, we still cool.  But remember, you’re playing for Barry.

• ESPN’s Buster Olney reported that the Philadelphia Phillies had internal discussions about trading Ryan Howard for Cardinal first baseman Albert Pujols. 

While St. Louis fans spent the week arguing over who was worse: Keith Law or Olney, Philly fans instead got drunk and burned down both of their houses.       

• After apologizing for using cocaine and subsequently failing a drug test, Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington also admitted smoking pot and using amphetamines back in his playing days. 

Ron Washington seems like a lot of fun.  With one ex-addict already on the roster, Wash is sure setting one hell of an example for the rest of the team.

• The NFL plans to vote on changes to the overtime rules for next season’s playoffs.

 And somewhere, Marty Mornhinweg smiles, as he will still “take the wind.”

• Lance Armstrong is mad because Tony Kornheiser made a joke about running bicyclists off the road on his local radio show.

Lance, it’s called “context.”   Get over yourself.  Have you ever driven in DC?  Tony is right; the bicyclists there are insufferable and apparently color-blind as they appear unable to see red lights.

• John Fox thinks Tim Tebow had a “very, very good workout” for pro scouts the other day.

 A) It’s a workout.  B) This is the same guy who let Jake Delhomme start football games last year.  Pardon me if I wait for someone else’s opinion.

• The NBA approved Michael Jordan’s bid to purchase the Charlotte Bobcats – thereby becoming the first ex-player to ever hold a majority interest in an NBA team. 

Congrats to MJ.  I can’t wait until he uses a first round pick to draft his son then summarily trades him for a pair of Mom jeans.

Welcome to a "Jay Bilas Nightmare"

We’re almost 24 hours away from the best two days in sports.  Or, we are one day away from the best 48 hours in sports.  Or, we’re really close to hearing a ton of clichés about how this is the best time of the year in sports.  You’ve heard it every year.  It’s all the same.  Don’t get me wrong, the clichés are (mostly) true, but they are not without their charm (and the special folks that perpetuate them).

So without further adieu, the Top Ten things and people about March Madness that drive me nuts:

 #1: Arm-Chair Bracketologists.  “I really think Cornell will pull off a win against Temple — it’s a classic 5-12 upset!”  Really, how’d you come up with that one?  Oh yeah, I remember, everyone said that.  Pick an original upset.  By the way, Cornell isn’t that good.  They basically got a bunch of hype because they lost to Kansas by only five points.  Know who else they lost to: the University of Pennsylvania, who finished the 2009-2010 campaign with a stellar 6-22 record.  This brings me to my next point…

 #2: “Cinderella.”  Just because George Mason and Wichita State made it to the Elite 8 one year, doesn’t mean Northern Iowa and UTEP will do it this year.  It happens once in a hundred years, and all of a sudden every no-name team can go to the Final Four.  No, no they can’t.

 #3: The Women’s Tournament.  I’m all for Title IX and I have nothing but respect for the women’s game, but is it really a tournament if the same teams keep winning?  In the last fifteen years, UConn and Tennessee have won the title eleven times.  This year?  The Lady Vols have a number one seed along with the Huskies, who also have a 72-game winning streak.  So, yeah, that’s probably not going to change.   

 #4: The collective slurping of the Coaches. Seven months after his old team was forced to vacate an entire season, again, John Calipari is again the Belle of the Coaching Ball for taking Kentucky back to the tournament as a #1 seed and SEC champion.  Meanwhile, Bob Huggins, who ran a program that “lacked institutional control” (and eventually lost a few scholarships), is hailed as a savior for bringing WVU back into glory.  Is there any doubt that one of these programs is going to be competing on borrowed time?  Personally, I think Huggins deserves sanctions just for his wardrobe choices on the sideline:

Lookin' natty my man!

#5: Dick Vitale. For all of the usual reasons, but also because he didn’t deck Kyle Singler when he crashed into Dan Schulman.  Schulman is one of the few good ones.  If he gets hurt, you know who they are gonna bring back…

#6: “Snubbed” Schools. The ACC and SEC each have about 20 teams. Half of which are terrible. I’m guessing those were the teams you beat (Hi, Virginia Tech!).  And yet, somehow, Florida is still in.

 #7: Fans of “snubbed” schools. Even when the NCAA ruins the tournament for good and adds another 30 teams, there will still be irrational fans that are going to think they were snubbed.  My advice: your team should have played better in the regular season (and close losses don’t count). Either that or schedule some tougher teams and ratchet up the RPI (Virginia Tech?  You’re still here?).

 #8: The early games.  Even though roughly a tenth of the country is unemployed, there are only two demographics that can enjoy the 12:30 games on Days 1 & 2: college students and senior citizens.  And neither of them have money.  So, make the first round last three days instead of two. If the NBA bore-offs go from May until roughly November, why can’t this tournament go an extra couple of days so working folk can watch more games?    

 #9: “Bracketology.” While Joe Lunardi spends the entire year studying the field, some hair-dresser is going to win her pool because she picked Kansas.  However, the last time she even watched a college basketball game was 13 years ago, when she and a couple friends took a road trip to KU and she got drunk off of cheap beer and jungle juice, and then hooked up with some fraternity meathead.  She also knows the school is located in Lawrence, which is also the name of her first husband, who may also be in jail.  All good reasons to pick a team.

 #10: Conspiracy Theories.  The tournament is rigged. 

Enjoy the best time of the year in sports — if only because of these guys.  ONIONS!!!!

As a quick aside, hi, my name is Duke.  This is the first of what I hope are many posts over here at the Deuce.  I was someplace before this, but I’m damn happy to be over here now.  At least until the kindly purveyors of this place decide otherwise.  So, keep coming back and reading.  And for all you ladies out there who are interested in getting to know me a little better, this is a good start (h/t BTF).