Last year Preakness officials wanted you to “Get Your Preak On”. This year they pulled out the big guns and asked the god of Port-A-Pot racing and power hurling to bless Pimlico with his presence.

The Maryland Jockey Club unveiled Kegasus as the mascot for this year’s Preakness. The drunk centaur is supposed to appeal to the 21 to 40 age group in hopes that they’ll invade the infield and treat it like a prostitute.

…Maryland Jockey Club President Tom Chuckas said an over-the-top figure like Kegasus is just the thing to get young people fired up for the May 21 race.

“It talks their language,” Chuckas says of the infield demographic. “We have never hidden the fact that we want people to come to the infield and party.”

Dr. Jonathan Chase was unavailable for comment as he was busy stopping drug dealers in Liberty Heights in the form of a koala.

Everyone isn’t thrilled with Kegasus. Unbelievers think he leaves pain and drunken debauchery in his wake. All he wants to do is make people chug Natty Boh from his booze horn.

On the event’s website (theinfieldfest.com), the homepage depicts Kegasus in his element, a dank, wood-paneled “man stall” with beer mugs lined up on the window sill, not far from a pitcher and the full-blown keg he was apparently named for. Bikini tops dangle from the walls. Cheese curls fill a basket.

“Be legendary,” he implores.

“Half-horse half-man with beer in hand, he strolls the infieldfest,” goes the first Kegasus radio ditty, featured on YouTube with a picture of the centaur gripping a beer mug in each fist. “He’s bold, he rocks, he’s hot to trot, for girls with beautiful yes!”

At no point does Kegasus mention sunstroke or alcohol poisoning. Blasphemy will not be tolerated on the west side, hon. The 2011 Running of the Urinals will be most epic if he has anything to do with it. Be legendary indeed.

Who says hair metal is dead? Ronnie James Dio may have holy dived his way into the grave but Dokken is going strong. First they became the face of a Norton Anti-Virus ad campaign and now they’re avenging mascots who have been wronged. The University of Minnesota’s Goldy Gopher probably thought he was getting away with kicking another mascot in the ass. He was wrong.

Dokken…Wait. It’s not the band Dokken? Whatever. 60 year-old Douglas Dokken has been banned from several Minnesota sports facilities after punching Goldy in the face during a gymnastics meet.

During the meet, the University of Minnesota mascot sat behind Douglas Dokken, 60, and started “messing with him,” witness Barry Colthorpe said. Goldy tapped Dokken on the shoulder and ruffled his hair.

Colthorpe said Dokken was ignoring Goldy’s antics, but within a couple of minutes, he snapped, turned around and punched Goldy in the face.

Goldy froze, but within moments of the first punch, Dokken wailed another, forcing Goldy to leave the area.

First the Cincinnati Bearcat gets arrested and now this. Is there a c-o-n-spiracy against college mascots?

Dokken was cited with disorderly conduct and barred from the Sports Pavilion and Williams Arena for a year. Goldy can breathe easy for 365 days. All bets are off after that. Better call Jerome or Kevin Love for protection.

It seems like it was only yesterday that the Penn State mascot was arrested again for drunken debauchery and the Cincinnati Bearcat was getting a beatdown from the cops.

Preston North End’s mascot Deepdale Duck is in trouble again. This time he was sent off for harrassing Derby County keeper Steven Bywater during their New Year’s day match. Video of the offending duck here.

This incident wasn’t the first time Deepdale ran into trouble with opposing goalkeepers. Here’s video of him pissing off a Sunderland keeper to the point of catching a water bottle in the bill.

Apparently he also got in a BBC reporter’s face without his head during a broadcast during the Derby match.

Deepdale isn’t surly all the time. Here he is bonding with the public while wearing a sandwich board. Mmmmm samiches.

I don’t know what that duck’s on but I want some now. When was the last time you saw someone with a sandwich board who was that friendly? Most of them look like they’d stab you in the gut sooner than look at you.

It’s 9 AM. Do you know where your kids are? Don’t wait until 10:00 PM to check on them. Gary Glitter is out of prison and strikes at all times of the day. If you live in Lancashire, you have double penetra….trouble.

Scott Henderson was arrested for exposing himself to a 15 year old on a Blackburn Rovers’ pitch. Did we mention he’s also Roar the Lion, Blackburn’s mascot?

The alleged incident happened at Rovers’ indoor astro-turf pitch used by youth players and hired out to locals.

A Rovers spokesman said: “We can confirm that Scott Henderson has been advised that the club is no longer prepared to offer him any casual work.”

Exposing yourself is casual work at Ewood Park? Does that mean they’ll call him in for the serious gang bang action? I thought that’s why El-Hadj Diouf was there.

Stan the Monkey (Accrington Stanley) was arrested for “indecency” with a 14 year old in 2005. At least American mascots keep it legal if barely.

I loved living in Madison besides the winters. I had a great time and met people who I still consider good friends to this day. There were also a random cast of characters who were familiar to anyone who spent time living or hanging out in downtown Madison. One of them was nicknamed “Boot”.

Boot is the former owner of Jocko’s Rocket Ship Bar who’s currently serving time in federal prison for allowing his bar to be used as a coke den. However, few know that he used to be Bucky the Badger during his college days. His employment as Bucky came to an abrupt end when he got shitfaced before a Wisconsin game. He ended up puking and passing out. Did we mention he was wearing the Bucky costume at the time? Some good samaritans picked him up and threw him in the back of a pickup. They dumped his limp, drunken body on the chancellor’s lawn instead of taking him to the hospital or waiting until he woke up. Needless to say, he missed the game and was promptly fired.

That brings us to today and Penn State where the legend of Boot lives on in the Nittany Lion.

Current Nittany Lion mascot Clint Gyory was charged with one count each of misdemeanor public drunkenness and criminal mischief Aug. 24 in connection with an incident that occurred Aug. 1, the State College Police Department said.

Police said Gyory (junior-business management) had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath and registered a blood-alcohol content (BAC) of .187 at the time he was cited.

Gyory, 20, was intoxicated and crawled into the bed of a pickup truck on the 200 block of E. Fairmount Ave. where he passed out, police said.

Gyory also broke a rearview mirror off of a vehicle and took it, police said.

Gyory will not lion up for the month of September. There’s no confirmation on who will wear the Nittany Lion costume this weekend when Penn State plays Youngstown State. Whoever dons the outfit better be able to pick up where Gyory left off. Two years and running. Tradition has to start somewhere. We are Penn State! Well you are. I’m not.