It was Sunday afternoon. Wasn’t a damn thing funny. Bitch, Manchester City has that money. Apparently it pays for penalties against MLS teams and mediocre strikers.
While most English Premier League teams are bedazzling foreign countries with the ugliest of new jerseys, out of shape players and bullshit pre-season training, City’s Mario Balotelli is showing the world what his midseason form is all about.
The guy [Dzeko] who only scored one goal for City last season calling Balotelli out? Priceless. “I may go straight Torres on a goal but I can’t go for that“.
Balotelli throwing a “vaffanculo” at City manager Roberto Mancini? That’s a benching. He ended last season starting a fight with Manchester United players after City’s FA Cup win, cursing on TV in his post-match interview and getting smacked down in a club after hitting on some guy’s girlfriend. If this is his pre-season, we can’t wait until the Premier League kicks off. Consider this post the first entry in the Balotelli Blotter. Wherever he fucks up, we’ll be there. Stick with us. It’ll be worth your time.
And yes that was a Cheap Trick to get that Chromeo/Daryl Hall video in there. See how that happened?
That must be the reason why Manchester City’s Mario Balotelli is such an immature asshole. It wouldn’t be surprising if the guy giving him the V-sign is a City supporter let alone a Manchester United fan. Even his own teammates and manager have had it with his antics. He can’t even have a minor parking incident without the hoi polloi letting him have it. Not surprising he can’t park a car. He can’t even put a bib on without incident.
You know what movie doesn’t pass the test of time? Tango and Cash. I remember seeing the previews and thinking it was going to be the greatest movie of all time. (I thought the same thing about the Three Amigos. “Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?”) The prison break scene was solid but it could have been better. They should have broken into prison instead of out. No. They should have broken into a women’s prison. Maybe that could be the premise of Tango and Cash 2: Electric Boogaloo. Stallone and Russell are probably overpriced so they could be replaced by Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli and his brother, Enock.
Brescia jail officer Calogero Lo Presti said: “We saw a high-powered Mercedes coupé come through the gate with two lads on board, and after a few minutes we realised Balotelli was one of them.
“They were questioned for 30 minutes to get their details and by the end both were frightened. Balotelli said he was sorry.
“They said they had seen the gate was open, and went in without knowing that you need special permission to visit a jail.
“They added they were specially curious at the fact it was a women’s prison.”
Too bad Mario and Enock mistake porn for documentaries. This is the difference between Europe and the United States. No way a black man in this country goes into a prison by choice (besides Omar) although points should be given for busting into a women’s prison. If the Balotelli brothers want a good time with porn stars, they should hook up with Adrian Mutu. They’ll be doing lines off a hooker’s ass in no time.
Times are getting ill for Ricky Hatton. He’s taking a break from eating all the pies to return to the boxing ring. The News of the World (the newspaper equivalent of Media Takeout) reports that he renewed his boxing license with the British Boxing Board of Control.
Hatton, 32, who is now forging a successful career as a promoter has often hinted that he will not box again, but insisted: “I certainly haven’t announced my retirement and you never say never.”
“Floyd Mayweather Jnr was retired for two years not long ago and he made a successful comeback. It is only 14 months since I fought Manny.
Mayweather stayed in shape while he was out of the game. Hatton hasn’t fought since Manny Pacquiao beat him like a rented mule in 2009. He has to be pushing something like 230 pounds these days. However he’s known for packing on the pounds then dropping to the necessary weight before a fight. He hasn’t gotten any faster or stronger since his last fight. Just ask Charles Barkley what he thinks about these types of comebacks.
The former champ’s beloved Manchester City might be causing him to put on his gloves again. The club raised the luxury box prices by 11,000 pounds. Hatton and his friends are being forced to give up their box and sit in the stands with the common folk. Soon the Gallagher brothers won’t want to be seen with him anymore. They have a reputation to maintain.
You hate freedom if you didn’t take this weekend and salute William Taft. Shame on you. Speaking of people with no shame, we have news of more sexual stupidity from Chelsea players, someone getting beat down by some 6’2″ karma and a mascot taking a voodoo style beating.
Cashley Takes The Wrong Lesson From Greg Oden
Ashley Cole may be the best left defender in England. Unfortunately his playing skills bear no relation to his intellect. He’s in trouble again after texting pictures of himself in various stages of clothing to another woman who isn’t his wife. He was recently busted for the same thing but explained it away as a joke saying a friend sent the pictures. It’ll be hard to use the same excuse now that another woman has stepped forward with naked pictures and multiple texts from him on her phone.
The unidentified woman received pictures similar to the ones received by the first woman in addition to over 300 text messages begging her not to share the texts with anyone else. Stay classy, Cashley. Let’s see if he has as much luck getting Cheryl back as John Terry did getting his Toni back. It’ll be hard for him to say that she’s not justified in Bridging her gap at this point.
Karma Is A 6 foot 4 inch bitch for Craig Bellamy
Manchester City striker claims to be a misunderstood individual. He may have invested over £450,000 of his own money into a soccer academy in Sierra Leone and pledged a further £850,000 but he still seems to find trouble. He’s fought with managers, fellow players and fans. Trouble finally found him outside a Cheshire nightclub.
Bellamy had his ass handed to him by a 6’4″ Manchester United supporter following a night on the town.
A Man United fan battered the Man City striker splitting his head open and sending him flying. The 6ft 2in attacker – built like a rugby player – continued pounding 5ft 9in Bellamy as he lay sprawled on the ground.
… An onlooker said: “The guy hit Bellamy five or six times. He [pummeled] him in the face.”
Bellamy declined to press charges but it’s unclear what started the beatdown. He was out with teammate Wayne Bridge but it isn’t alleged that he was involved in the fight.
Maybe Bellamy was jumped by a supporter of a rival club or maybe he started talking shit and paid the price. Does it matter? If he wants to be seen as a changed man and start being recognized for his good deeds, he needs to start avoiding situations like these on and off the pitch. That means not hitting subdued fans, taking gold clubs to teammate’s heads or threatening to fake injuries or leave a club when he doesn’t get his way.
John Terry Avoiding The Wrong Sexual Organs
John Terry may be in Dubai salvaging his marriage again but he still doesn’t have his priorities straight. He can’t say no to the vagina but he has no problem saying no to cancer awareness.
The mascot pictured above is a “campaigner for male cancer awareness”. Apparently all male cancers can be symbolized by a walking pair of balls named Mr. Testicles. Yes, that’s his name. Everton attempted to have Terry pose with Mr. Testicles as a show of solidarity before their match with Chelsea. He declined. One might be able to let him slide considering recent events in his life.
Ain’t that a kick in the dick? It’s easy to feel sorry for Mr. Testicles as it must be difficult to get people to pose with him even though he represents a good cause. A declined photo op still has to be better than getting nailed in the “face” with a soccer ball.
Does Mr. Testicles feel phantom pain like the Crimson Twins every time someone catches it in the balls? These are the questions that consume the Deuce.
