Rape whistle inventor’s inspiration and Bobby Lupo avenger Steven Seagal was instrumental in the victories of Andersen Silva over Vitor Belfort at UFC 126, and Lyoto Machida’s victory over Randy Couture. Although Jon “Bones” Jones had the opportunity to learn the ways of the eskimo woman sensi, he chose to decline, which lead to him winning the fight anyway. Now we are learning that Steven Seagal may be taking his character from the Grindhouse crapfest Machete a little too seriously.

Courtesy of TMZ:

Mexicans looking to sneak into the United States have a brand new obstacle … a gun-toting Steven Seagal … who has just become an official border sheriff in Texas.

Seagal was sworn in as a sheriff’s deputy in Hudspeth County, Texas this weekend … and according to a sheriff’s dept. spokesman, he’ll be working full-time to help secure the border Texas shares with Mexico.

Shockingly, the rep insists Seagal’s work with the department has nothing to do with his A&E reality show, “Steven Seagal: Lawman.”

One of the sheriffs told Chron.com, “It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity … He’s like the rest of us that live down here, he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help.”

On a side note, Seagal looks like he’s ready to stroll the desert, at extremely high temperatures, and to, if necessary, give pursuit to these hopeful, hard-working, harmlessful Americans terrorists. Not only that but he probably won’t sweat, either.

Overrated loser Tito Ortiz made his career pummeling UFC legend Ken Shamrock in the twilight of a fine career, he literally hasn’t been anybody else since Shamrock. Their fights drew huge numbers on PPV and Ortiz was a made man after that. After losing badly to Lyoto Machida (some may dispute this because of the triangle choke Ortiz almost sunk in, but before that Machida dominated) in his first farewell to the UFC, Ortiz briefly resurfaced in Elite XC before crawling back to Dana White after the promotion crumbled.

His big “comeback” fight was against Forrest Griffin (decision); his next comeback fight was Matt Hamill (decision) He pulled out of a fight with Chuck Liddell at the culmination of the Ultimate Fighter television show last year to have back surgery and probably because Liddell already beat him, too.

He still talks just as much shit as he did when he was winning fights; so naturally, the “worldwide leader in sports” has given Ortiz a platform to voice his opinions on…himself.

Dismissively wank for me, ESPN:

But people need to look at the big details to know what’s been happening in these fights. I’ll never be someone who accepts second place — never — but, honestly, I feel I have won some of these fights.

FORGET WHAT THE RECORD SAYS, FOLKS, I AM A WINNER!

After Chuck Liddell beat me in December 2006, I took on Rashad Evans, who went on to be a world champion and has lost only once since. And I beat him. It was only a “draw” because I got a point taken off for the one, single time when I grabbed the fence. It was a draw, but I was the better fighter in the cage. I won.

Then I fought Lyoto Machida, a great fighter who also went on to win the world title. I almost caught him in a triangle and tapped him out. He admitted he thought he was going to pass out. I lost and it sucked, but I was competitive.

Next was a rematch with Forrest Griffin, whom I beat earlier in our careers. I didn’t get the decision this time, but a lot of people felt I won two rounds to one. Again, I was more than competitive with a top-5 guy.

Conceding his point about Evans and (maybe) Machida, I completely disagree about Griffin. Ortiz looked slow, and old in that bought. He looked just as bad, probably worse, against Hamill. Ryan Bader may have to go for a jog after this fight just to get a real workout in.