Why the hell not? Americans don’t give a damn. Congress and state legislatures are populated by assclowns on both sides of the aisle. No one cares about qualified candidates anymore. In fact, being qualified for office is a disadvantage. “Oh you got you some book learnin’. The other guy said he’ll burn books. I like fire.” You better be against a whole lot of things and not know why. It’s amazing how cavalier people are when it comes to voting. Imagine if they were that nonchalant about their doctors. “She got a doctor coat on and said there’s something wrong with my neckbone. Sound legit to me. Apply gravy every four hours? Got it.”

I don’t know whether Carl Lewis is qualified for office but I don’t care. You don’t either. All you care about is whether you can have a steak and beer with him. Well you can’t. He’s a vegan. That should be a campaign killer especially in a Republican-leaning district but he’s likely running for state senate as a Democrat anyway.

Forget Lewis’ policies. Most voters don’t pay attention to the ones that really affect them. If they do, they don’t expect their representatives to have a firm grasp of the issues let alone address them in an intelligent or mature manner. If they did, our legislative bodies would look very different. Candidates just tell you what they think you want to hear anyway. Right, Mitt? People grab the superficial because it’s easier so that’s what they get. Let’s go to the video and see whether he can measure up to the tough standards of the New Jersey voter.

The 8th Legislative District leans Republican so whoever runs better not just love America. You better think we’re exceptional and God blesses us and no one else. What better way to show you love freedom than singing the national anthem.

It’s going to be tough going for Lewis running as a Democrat in the 8th. Being a vegan is not going to help him either. His opponents will compare him to Dennis Kucinich who at least has a hot wife (although no one knows how). Winning a couple gold medals isn’t going to do it. He better show that he’ll fight for his constituents.

A state senator who keeps his pimp hand strong is attractive. None of this limp wrist bullshit. Working out is good as well. Remember how former governor Corzine attacked Gov. Christie about his weight? No worries about that with a former Olympic gold medalist however the leotard and bubbles…

You’re set if you live in the 8th Legislative District. Forget the speeches, campaign fliers and debates. Everything you need to make an quick, uneducated decision is in this post. The Deuce does not offer political endorsements besides Luther Campbell for Miami-Dade County mayor so you’ll actually have to do some of this on your own. Pop pop that ballot! Breakdown!

Luther Campbell, better known as Uncle Luke, may have slowed down since his 2 Live Crew days but he still runs Miami. He still knows where and how to roll. He was a major booster of the University of Miami football program at its height. Their players had more pull than any other athletes in south Florida. Dolphins players had to beg Hurricanes to get them into clubs otherwise they had to wait on line with the common folk.

Campbell now wants to impart some wisdom to LeBron James and Chris Bosh as they move to Miami. He wrote up a list of rules which should go up on their fridges. If they’re smart, they’ll listen to him and stay out of trouble. Here are a few examples:

Do not drive your own car when you go to South Beach. Just because you got keys to the city doesn’t mean the police are not waiting for you to get drunk and behind the wheel to lock your ass up. Part of Miami Beach’s publicity campaign is to put superstar athletes and celebrities in jail. And get yourself a white driver if you go through Overtown unless you want the police to shoot you for DWB (driving while black).

Do not buy a house in Dwyane Wade’s neighborhood because thieves will jack your car’s rims. And avoid Star Island at all costs. Some wild, rich sex orgies be going up in there. You don’t want to get caught up in a scandal. Shaq bought a house on Star Island, and he ended up in a messy divorce. Find a nice place in Broward, like Southwest Ranches, where Udonis Haslem lives.

Do not go to the strip club without me. I’ll be able to tell you which girls are the true exotic dancers and which ones are the skanky hoes. I took D-Wade to the strip club when he first got here. I schooled him so he never got jammed up with any strippers. And when going to venues like LIV and the 400 Club, be on the lookout for gold diggers masquerading as models. Those places are a gold diggers playground.

This is knowledge for life. No way LeBron and Bosh would get this information from Will Smith. He’d just try to convert them to Scientology or give them some useless dating advice from Hitch.

Some of you might not know how Luke got down at his height. Watch out for gold diggers and enjoy. NSFW language.