Luther Campbell, better known as Uncle Luke, may have slowed down since his 2 Live Crew days but he still runs Miami. He still knows where and how to roll. He was a major booster of the University of Miami football program at its height. Their players had more pull than any other athletes in south Florida. Dolphins players had to beg Hurricanes to get them into clubs otherwise they had to wait on line with the common folk.
Campbell now wants to impart some wisdom to LeBron James and Chris Bosh as they move to Miami. He wrote up a list of rules which should go up on their fridges. If they’re smart, they’ll listen to him and stay out of trouble. Here are a few examples:
Do not drive your own car when you go to South Beach. Just because you got keys to the city doesn’t mean the police are not waiting for you to get drunk and behind the wheel to lock your ass up. Part of Miami Beach’s publicity campaign is to put superstar athletes and celebrities in jail. And get yourself a white driver if you go through Overtown unless you want the police to shoot you for DWB (driving while black).
Do not buy a house in Dwyane Wade’s neighborhood because thieves will jack your car’s rims. And avoid Star Island at all costs. Some wild, rich sex orgies be going up in there. You don’t want to get caught up in a scandal. Shaq bought a house on Star Island, and he ended up in a messy divorce. Find a nice place in Broward, like Southwest Ranches, where Udonis Haslem lives.
Do not go to the strip club without me. I’ll be able to tell you which girls are the true exotic dancers and which ones are the skanky hoes. I took D-Wade to the strip club when he first got here. I schooled him so he never got jammed up with any strippers. And when going to venues like LIV and the 400 Club, be on the lookout for gold diggers masquerading as models. Those places are a gold diggers playground.
This is knowledge for life. No way LeBron and Bosh would get this information from Will Smith. He’d just try to convert them to Scientology or give them some useless dating advice from Hitch.
Some of you might not know how Luke got down at his height. Watch out for gold diggers and enjoy. NSFW language.
Buzz Bissinger has come a long way since ripping Will Leitch a new one on HBO in 2008. The first step was appearing at Gelf Magazine’s Varsity Letters later that year. His attitude hasn’t changed. The anger management problem is still there and acknowledged. The rage is just directed at more appropriate people like LeBron James.
The Friday Night Lights author appeared on The Dan LeBatard Show with Stugotz on last Tuesday and set off a verbal Claymore mine talking about everything LeBron. Bissinger spent time with James while writing his biography, Shooting Stars. It’s an understatement to say that he has a strong impression of King James. He calls the book “the worst one [he's] ever written” for starters.
Listen to the whole interview here. Click on the audio from Tuesday 8/3/2010 5:00-7:00 PM.
If you don’t have time to listen to the whole thing, here are some of the highlights.
On LeBron: “The man I met was down to earth. I thought there was a decency to him even though he was huge then and spectacular and I found it very, very attractive. I think when free agency came around, it completely changed. It began on Larry King when he appeared during the playoffs which I thought was inappropriate and it culminated in the most ridiculous, endless and worst hour of television in history which was this thing called The Decision…”
In regards to Cleveland and the Cavaliers: “He doesn’t really care.”
On Gloria James: His mom is a problem in his life. The worst interview I’ve ever done. The biggest prima donna I have ever dealt with. The biggest pain in the ass I have ever dealt with was his mother.
…She thinks she is Queen LeBron. She is not.”
It wasn’t all bad for LeBron. Bissinger did give him credit for having some redeeming qualities and hoped they are still there. He used the example of LeBron offering to pay for one of his teammates to go to Howard University while they were still in high school.
Bissinger also ripped ESPN and played Douche or No Douche which is a regular LeBatard Show feature. Give the whole interview a listen if you have time. It’s entertaining and gives some different insight into LeBron. The best thing about it? It hasn’t been pulled like an Arash Markazi story.
Stick around after the Bissinger interview to hear the Ron Magill show segment which is usually every Tuesday at 6. Your most random questions about animals will be answered.
Hilarious new commercials for LeBron James that kinda mash up the Tiger/Eldred commercials of a few months ago with young Bron Bron. I think Cavalier’s majority owner Dan Gilbert needs to put up the cash to actually put these spots on the air. He’s just crazy enough to do this. I’d give it a watch, but make sure your headphones are on, there’s some NSFW language going on in here.
So, as you all probably know by now, LeBron James going to play for the Miami Heat for the foreseeable future. You probably heard this information any one or more of these ways: live on ESPN during an hour long broadcast titled “The Decision” where LeBron sat with Jim Gray to discuss where he was going to play next year, on ESPN.com’s Lebron James web page the “LeBron Tracker”, on Twitter where currently James is trending in the top 5, in the news where according to Google he is the number 1 and 3 trending search term currently, on your local news, on the radio…basically, LeBron James is everywhere.
As a matter of fact, LeBron James news has been around so much lately that I won’t know what to do anymore without the LeBron James speculation and news. That hour long ESPN self promoting television special James did should really just be the pilot episode to the rest of LeBron’s life on televison for us all to watch.
It took a month for him to figure out where he was going and he brought us all along for the ride. Imagine how long it is going to take for him to find a house to live in down in Miami? Can you imagine the speculation? The drama? Somebody call TLC or HGTV because I think I found them a freaking gold mine. Who cares about Property Virgins when you can spend the next two months figuring out which tony neighborhood The King is going to move into down in Florida?? I NEED TO KNOW MORE! CHAD FORD ENLIGHTEN ME AS TO THE PROPERTY TAXES OF THE LOCALITIES IN WHICH LEBRON MIGHT POSSIBLY HAVE AN INCLINATION TO MOVE INTO!
I want to see how long it takes him to decide what he is going to eat for breakfast. I want the cameras there documenting his every move from waking up to brushing his teeth to putting on goddamned deodorant until we all finally know whether or not it will be Captain Crunch or Coco Puffs for cereal this morning. The whole time, I want, nay, i NEED Michael Wilbon commentating that he thinks that Frankenberry might have an outside chance to pull off an upset at being in his bowl today. THIS INFORMATION WILL MAKE ME WHOLE AS A HUMAN BEING!!!
If ESPN can devote an hour of its valuable news broadcasting time to “The Chosen One” then why not just give us a whole channel of it? OBVIOUSLY this is what the fans of the NBA want and need. After the World Cup ESPN 3 won’t be used online anymore, just like it was never used when it was ESPN 360, so why not just make it ESPN-LeBron and give us what we deserve. ALL LEBRON ALL THE TIME! This just makes sense.
We have a hole in our lives now and only LeBron can fill it.