Time was better spent eating a homemade dinner* and watching the season premiere of Archer and college basketball than watching Lance Armstrong pathologically mouth the right words but show no remorse and engage in an absurd attempt at a semantics lesson. Apparently this interview needed a level-headed lawyer type like Nancy Grace.

It looks like we’re not going to hear from Manti Te’o since he backed out of his scheduled ESPN interview with Jeremy Schaap. Fine. I’m over it. It’s a mess and looks like it’ll turn into a bigger disaster before it’s over. Someone probably realized that the boy ain’t smart and little good would come out of a live interview.

Teo’o's cancellation means ESPN has an opening in their apology window. Oh wait a minute. Look who wants to get their apology on now. They all start coming out of the woodwork once the big boys do it or say they will and back out. It’s the NHL. Schaap would probably let their call go to voicemail or answer and say, “Hey Gary, I’d love to sit down with you but I just got this thing I gotta to do whenever you’re available. You know who would be great for this though? My dad. Give him a shout. If he doesn’t answer, just wait and he’ll get back to you.”

Every professional sports league (except the MLS) goes through strikes and lockouts but the NHL seems to have them on a regular basis like the Olympics. They have the lowest TV ratings of the four major leagues. NBC gives them little air time as they’re relegated to a secondary sports network for most of their games. ESPN barely paid them any attention when they had the NHL TV contract and they get next to none now. One would think they would do everything in their power to stay on the ice and prevent work stoppages but owners gotta get paid. They stab themselves in the foot Constable Bob style every time they start to build viewer momentum.

The league finally sorted their shit out and promise they’ll never do it again. They’re like that person who says they’re done cheating and just want you to come back. You know it’s going to happen again. It’s a matter of when not if. Well here they are at your door. They’re crawling back on their knees and begging forgiveness. How? They’re buying full page ads in papers across the US and Canada.

The ad says: “Like you, we’ve missed NHL hockey.”

The league is thanking fans for their patience and apologizing for the lost games. The ad says the league is “committed to earning back your trust and support” with “hard work and unwavering dedication.”

The league is so sorry that Kings fans are already getting priced out. The Rangers are giving their fans the “fuck you very much” courtesy of James Dolan. The NHL’s apologies are worth about as much as the failing papers they appeared in yesterday.

The NHL would be better served going on Ilanya: Fix My Life. If it’s good enough for DMX**, it’s good enough for them. They’re both that messed up. They’re not Oprah, Jeremy Schaap or Anderson Cooper worthy at this point. Bettman and Louie the Bear should sit down and allow Ilanya to berate them. I assume this is what happens on that show. Every time the commissioner apologizes and lists the league’s mistakes, Louie could play the sad trombone and hang his head. I bet she would respond like Florida Evans and yell at him, “Get it together, grouch”. Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! Wow. Sorry. I just had a Killing Them Softly flashback.

Hockey is one of the best sporting events to see in person. It’s hard to get a sense of that on TV until the playoffs. A live game is something every sports fan should experience. I want hockey to do well. It’ll never be on the level of football, baseball or basketball in terms of viewership numbers but it doesn’t have to be that. However it can’t continually alienate fans by having greedy owners and a cornball commissioner try to nickel and dime players every couple years because they’re not happy with their current deal.

* Dinner came out damn well. Pasta with Braised Pork, Red Wine & Pancetta from Andrew Zimmern. Here’s the link to the recipe if you’re inclined to try it out. We tweaked the herb mixture and used fresh tomatoes instead of the canned but kept to it for the most part. Here’s an essential point he doesn’t mention. Make sure you have enough wine to drink before, during and after cooking. The next step is making my own pancetta. Anyone want to offer up their place to hang some swine for about two weeks?

** Fuck DMX getting his life together. We haven’t had any good music from him in a minute because of this self-improvement bullshit. I want some dirty, grimy jams. I want him to get homophobic and homoerotic in the same verse and have no clue what he’s doing. His dogs are right here waiting for him to remember who he is like Undercover Brother. This new show is all wrong. Oprah done gone too far now.

Talk about two people who won’t go away. In 2011 Lance Armstrong “retired” from cycling (for the second time) and Oprah finally retired from her syndicated television show.  Flash forward to the beginning of 2013 and HERE THEY BOTH ARE AGAIN as Oprah is set to interview Lance Armstrong about the doping scandal which has stripped him of seven Tour de France titles and whatever else she wants to ask him because she is Oprah and ain’t nobody sayin’ no to the Oprah.  Ask Stedman.  That guy knows where his bread is buttered.

Anyway, the interview is set to broadcast on Oprah’s OWN channel on January 17th starting at 9pm, so, if you wanna watch, better set those DVRs if you can find that channel.  If I know anything about the people that still read this sports blog, I’m assuming that you’ve all got that channel in your favorites anyway so you should be allllllll set.

Me, I think my feelings can best be summed up with this

What I’m guessing we’ll see is Oprah “breaking” Lance down a few times, making old one nut cry a bit and finally getting some sort of half confession-half justification out of  him.  Either that or he’ll attempt to stick to his story like Rafael Palmeiro attempted to do in front of Congress which would be HILARIOUS television.

I guess I mistakenly thought that once Oprah retired celebrities wouldn’t have an outlet to “bare their souls”, confess and get back into the good graces of the public they so desperately crave attention and validation from (besides Saturday Night Live i guess, but Lance already shot that wad in 2005 and with DISASTROUS results)?  It sucks that Oprah has given Lance this hailmary chance at redemption because, quite honestly, he doesn’t really deserve it.  The dude lied to everyone and their mothers, probably his own mother, about doping for decades.

Lance should just go away and Oprah should go away as well so that she can’t keep orchestrating public redemption for horrible people just for ratings on her flagging network.

It’s been a week since I last posted.  I know that after my Preakness article, there were some rumors that I was killed by Hurricane Ike in a tragic horseracing “accident,” but let’s face facts: the Maryland Jockey Club wouldn’t want ever want to risk bad press, would they?  In any case, in the words of the immortal Jeffrey Atkins: I’m not always there when you call, but I’m always on time.  At least with headlines.  On to them: 

• After admitting to blood doping during most of his career, Floyd Landis accused Lance Armstrong of doing the same.  

I realize Lance Armstrong is a once-in-a-lifetime athlete who kicked cancer’s ass then became the most dominant competitor in the history of his sport.  And for some reason, I really dislike him.  Just rubs me the wrong way.  HOWEVER, Floyd Landis is a complete and utter fraud.  The guy’s a liar.  At this point, I don’t think I’d be surprised if I found out Mother Theresa was on PEDs (nor would I care), but Floyd is pathetic.  Leave Lance alone – don’t be jealous just because he’s friends with the world’s best bro. 

• Washington Redskins receiver Santana Moss was linked to a Canadian doctor charged with “making false statements to federal officials, smuggling, unlawful distribution of human growth hormone (HGH), introducing the unapproved drug, called actovegin, into interstate commerce and conspiracy to defraud the United States.”    

The poor Redskins can’t even win when they cheat — that’s embarassing.  However, I’m going to choose to look at this positively: Santana Moss was so devoted to his terrible, dysfunctional team that he was willing to risk his career, health, reputation and money in the hopes he could be slightly mediocre for a team owned by Dan Snyder and coached by Jim Zorn.  That’s dedication, holmes.

• Soccer legend and current Argentina coach Diego Maradona “apologised” for running over the foot of a cameraman outside of Buenos Aires. 

Ok, I have an unrelated point to make here, but let me get the jokes out of the way first.  Maradona ran over the cameraman’s foot because a) He had a hot pizza in the passenger’s seat and was in a hurry to eat it; b) He had an eight ball in the passenger’s seat and was in a hurry to snort it; or c) he had both in his car but was in a hurry because he didn’t pay taxes on either of them. 

Now that that’s out of the way: don’t you hate it when Americans take British expressions and attempt to use them in regular conversation?  I’m not saying they’re wrong or inappropriate, but they just make you sound pretentious and if I’m British, I’d think you’re a jerk.  Most Brits probably think that already, but just because Guy Ritchie and Austin Powers made some popular British-themed movies 10 years ago that EVERYONE saw doesn’t mean you can roll around and drop “over the moon” or “preggers” or “flat.”  Stop it.   

• Delonte West, teammate of LeBron, and Gloria James, mother of LeBron, reportedly engaged in a romantic relationship.  

This is like a combination of “American Pie” and “Desperado.”  If I’m LeBron, I’m super heated, but what are you gonna do?  Delonte rolls like Antonio Banderas: on a motorcycle with a loaded shotty in a guitar case slung across his back and two sidearms just in case the banditos get too close.  Bron-Bron’s Mom likes the bad-boys… 

• Seven-time Pro-Bowl linebacker Zach Thomas signed a one-day, $1 contract in order to retire as a member of the Miami Dolphins. 

First: does he ever get the dollar?  Second, these stories are stupid.  Just because Emmitt Smith did the same thing means we’re supposed to forget he played for Arizona?  Or that Jerry Rice never laced them up for Seattle?  And what’s the significance of a one-day contract?  Do you hang out there for a day, sweep the floors, wash a load of jock straps and call it a day?  Just give the guy his plaque at halftime of a game next season and be done with it.  There wasn’t anything symbolic about the way you cut the guy when he was expensive and hurt.  Why start now?

•  The Washington Wizards won the NBA lottery. 

The Curse of Les Boulez is over!  Until JeVale McGee sleeps with John Wall’s mom. 

• Brett Favre told his alma mater’s baseball team that if they make the College World Series for the second consecutive year, he’ll return to the Minnesota Vikings.

Brett is akin to an attractive girl you date who also happens to be a gigantic flake.  She’s never on time, always changes her plans based on a whim, will initiate a text conversation with you then disappear for 9 hours… Yet, she is insanely hot and when you’re around her, she can do no wrong.  Unfortunately, she drives YOU insane but you can’t break up with her because you’re worried you’ll end up with a girl that looks like Sage Rosenfels or Tavaris Jackson and they won’t be half as good at throwing a post pattern.  Or something like that…

I must say I am thoroughly enjoying Favre’s wanton disregard for the feelings of Brad Childress, the Minnesota Vikings, and the NFL.  You know there’s some diehard at NFL headquarters flipping out over his disrespect for “the League.”  Although this bet could be a blessing in disguise for the rest of us: if the team makes it, we’re spared a summer of Rachel Nichols standing on Farve’s lawn telling us nothing.

Have a wild weekend.  I’ll be out on a motorcycle, guitar case slung across my back, looking for Salma.

It’s been a busy week – Tiger’s back, the competition for spring training jobs are tightening up, and Luke Wilson is sponsoring (or it could be AT&T, at this point, I can’t really tell) some college basketball tournament that must not be too popular because it’s on during the day and only on CBS.  Anyway, on to this week’s headlines… 

• Tiger Woods announced he is returning to golf at the Masters.

Shocker.  He picked a tournament at a private, all-male club that has a small field of competition and restricts “patrons” from sneezing without asking for permission first.  Wake me when he plays somewhere that allows “commoners.”  Meanwhile, we got a sneak preview of what the next “Tiger Woods Golf” video game will look like.

• The Big East got hammered on the first day of the NCAA tournament.

Thanks for nothing, Georgetown and Marquette.  JTIII will be getting a bill for my bracket.  What the hell,  Big East?  Just because you got 8 bids doesn’t mean you need to lose them all the first weekend.  Villanova, we still cool.  But remember, you’re playing for Barry.

• ESPN’s Buster Olney reported that the Philadelphia Phillies had internal discussions about trading Ryan Howard for Cardinal first baseman Albert Pujols. 

While St. Louis fans spent the week arguing over who was worse: Keith Law or Olney, Philly fans instead got drunk and burned down both of their houses.       

• After apologizing for using cocaine and subsequently failing a drug test, Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington also admitted smoking pot and using amphetamines back in his playing days. 

Ron Washington seems like a lot of fun.  With one ex-addict already on the roster, Wash is sure setting one hell of an example for the rest of the team.

• The NFL plans to vote on changes to the overtime rules for next season’s playoffs.

 And somewhere, Marty Mornhinweg smiles, as he will still “take the wind.”

• Lance Armstrong is mad because Tony Kornheiser made a joke about running bicyclists off the road on his local radio show.

Lance, it’s called “context.”   Get over yourself.  Have you ever driven in DC?  Tony is right; the bicyclists there are insufferable and apparently color-blind as they appear unable to see red lights.

• John Fox thinks Tim Tebow had a “very, very good workout” for pro scouts the other day.

 A) It’s a workout.  B) This is the same guy who let Jake Delhomme start football games last year.  Pardon me if I wait for someone else’s opinion.

• The NBA approved Michael Jordan’s bid to purchase the Charlotte Bobcats – thereby becoming the first ex-player to ever hold a majority interest in an NBA team. 

Congrats to MJ.  I can’t wait until he uses a first round pick to draft his son then summarily trades him for a pair of Mom jeans.