There’s nothing like January in Pittsburgh. Miserable weather, Phil Simms blowing his load over Ben Roethlisberger and Sidney Crosby harvesting concussions like a migrant worker on a Fresno factory farm. One of three ain’t bad as long as it’s not the weather. What’s a yinzer to do when he has put gyro meat on everything edible and there are no sports to watch? Apparently rob his own teams like a Liverpool supporter.

John Winters was arrested after breaking into Heinz Field and trying to gain entry into the Steelers locker room.

Wearing a Pirates cap and gray sweatpants, a Brighton Heights man today tried to break into the Steelers locker room at Heinz Field using a hammer, according to Pittsburgh police.

… He “wandered around the field area” before walking toward the locker room, according to the complaint.

With guards watching the security feed, Mr. Winters tried using a hammer to get inside the locker room, according to the complaint.

Winters probably spent the weekend in Pittsburgh’s version of The Tombs eating month-old gyro meat and drinking skunked Iron City while avoiding come-hither glances from Jeff Reed.

Excuse me while I digress for a moment. What’s the deal with Pittsburgh and gyro meat anyway? Why is it offered with any dish one can order whether it’s a burger, salad or ice cream sundae? Is there an overpopulation of meatopotamuses? Is the Greek Mafia expanding from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh through Pennsyltucky? “You’re gonna fuckin’ buy all this fuckin’ lamb or you’ll be the one on a spit at the bottom of the fuckin’ Allegheny. (Greek equivalent of capisci)?”

Anyway the NHL season can’t start fast enough. We could have a Sudden Death situation on our hands if Pittsburgh sports fans don’t have something to be insufferable about soon.

Was that lamb on the cutter?

“I love karate, it’s like a bible to me. But deep inside I’m so I mean, I’m so sensitive.”
–Jean Claude Van Damme

Jean-Claude Van Damme isn’t just a quote mill. He’s also a Kumite champion. He’s conquered every part of the world from Belgium to Hong Kong. There’s only one thing he has left to do and that’s conquer the world of kickboxing.

Last month, Van Damme announced he would take part in a reality series that would culminate in him fighting a real kickboxer in a real match.

The result has to be better than Steven Seagal, Lawman. I would call Seagal a former shell of himself but that would imply the opposite of massive weight gain and less ego.

If Van Damme wants to impress the world, he should enter the Kumite and fight all comers like Jason David Frank. You might know him better as the White Ranger in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. He’s all growns up into a legit MMA fighter with two wins under his belt and a 15 year grudge against Van Damme.

[Frank's] had it out for Van Damme ever since 1995 when the Muscles from Brussels — who had been Frank’s childhood hero — allegedly blew him off during the premiere of “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie.”

Frank claims he’ll take Van Damme “anytime, anyplace, anywhere” — and “if [Van Damme's] too scared to come into the Octagon, I’ll even take him on in a kickboxing match.”

Did the White Ranger seclude himself in a mountain hideaway on Mt. Fuji since ’95 waiting for his moment to strike? If he’s finally ready to man up, he’ll challenge JCVD on the dance floor.

– The funniest home videos are here

Van Damme winning a real kickboxing match would be like the US winning the World Cup. It’s the last thing the world has on us. Once the USMNT visits the president in the White House with the World Cup, the world will know that the US is superior in everything that matters. He might as well retire if he wins. There’s nothing else to be gained. Winning the fake Kumite, the real Kumite, winning a fight against himself (Double Impact), getting a hard-on on Brazilian TV, etc. What’s left?