I looked up this morning and realized we’re almost done with June.  It feels just like yesterday I was making fun of Joe West and lamenting having to work on a holiday weekend.  Now, we’re a few days away from July 4^th, the summer’s mid-point.  I’ve been told this is what happens when you get older and have a real job.

I guess I’m ok with no longer having summers off, but part of me would like one more college summer.  College summers are basically the same as regular college, but instead of class, you get a “Joe Job” where you work just enough hours to financially support yourself.  Then, you get to hang out with your buddies the rest of the time going to baseball games, playing entire seasons of Madden in two days, taking road trips to places like Jamaica Plains, Massachusetts, and going out during the week.  The other cool thing about college summers is that because so few people actually stay at school, those who chose to stay behind form this weird social bond where everyone bands together and hangs out.  By summer’s end, you’ve meet all these cool people you had no idea existed.  Of course, the social order is restored when school resumes, and the gorgeous girl that lived across the street forgets you existed, but whatever.  College summers were great.   

Nevertheless, the summer of 2010 is running full throttle from soccer games to Armando Benitez comebacks.   I guess you can’t really fight it: just let go and enjoy the ride.  Regardless, take some time to read between the headlines:

• Jay-Z and Eminem added a second Yankee Stadium concert to their upcoming tour.

Meanwhile, the Pittsburgh Pirates have announced that the Limp Bizkit Reunion Tour will be making a stop at PNC Park.

• Portland Trail Blazers General Manager Kevin Pritchett was fired hours before last night’s NBA Draft.

Hey Paul Allen, Pat Riley called, he wants his move back.  What I don’t understand is that Pritchett asked to stay and work the draft after he was let go.  That’s so sad.  “Hey, look, I know you think I suck, but can I just stay here for a few more minutes and work for you?  Please?”  And if I’m the Blazers, can I trust him not to draft the next Ruben Patterson?  I hope this means the Jail Blazers are coming back because their wanton disregard for coach and community was truly something to behold.  What’s Latrell Sprewell up to these days?

• Former Pro Bowl Quarterback Mark Brunell is filing for bankruptcy.

The story says Brunell made an estimated $52M in his career.  That’s a lot of dough to blow through.  How do we think he did it?  Messy divorce?  Drug or alcohol addiction?  Fancy cars?

The[bankruptcy was the] apparent result of a string of failed real-estate investments.

This is the worst pro-athlete bankruptcy filing ever!  Gimme a gaggle of mistresses, a five gram-a-day coke habit… something!  At least Mike Tyson enjoyed wasting his money.

• The Wizards selected John Wall with the first pick in the NBA draft.

I don’t think John Wall is anything like Kwame Brown, so the Wizards are probably pretty safe there.  However, they couldn’t help themselves and had to do their best to draft undersized power forwards and make a stupid and expensive trade.  So make of it what you will.  Some franchises are unlucky, and others are just stupid.  Despite new ownership, the Wizards still fall under the latter.

• After firing their manager earlier in the week, the Florida Marlins are targeting Bobby Valentine as a replacement.

I have a lot to say here, but instead of ranting about it, I’m going to use a haiku.  They’re more graceful, poignant, and most importantly, easier to read:

Marlins owner sucks

More of a douche than Big Stein

Sucks to be O’s fan

Fin.

• Chicago Fire defender Krzysztof Krol is marrying a Playboy model he stalked on Facebook.

I hope all the ladies out there reading the Deuce take this gal’s lead: if you want us to stalk you, please put your phone number up so we can call you.  Makes the stalking a lot easier…  And this has been your “Being a Pro Athlete Totally Rules” update. 

• League malcontent Rasheed Wallace is reportedly retiring. 

Speaking of the Jail Blazers, Rasheed was one of the original ones.  Let’s see him out with a quote from one of my favorite ‘Sheed stories:

In one of their final touching moments together as Jail Blazers, [Rasheed] Wallace and [Bonzi] Wells were at practice when Wallace suddenly reared back and chucked a basketball at teammate Ruben Boumtje Boumtje, who was shooting jump shots with his back to them. According to The Oregonian the ball struck Boumtje Boumtje so hard he fell to the floor and lay writhing before eventually walking off. By then Wallace and Wells had run away, giggling like schoolgirls.

That’s such a dick move, but damn, it’s funny.  Good night, sweet prince!

Ok, that’s it for me.  Everybody have a great weekend, if you need me, Lindsay and I will be planning our birthday parties.

This country should be more thankful to people like ODB, Spice 1 and Three 6 Mafia. Politicians and other self-righteous assclowns criticize rappers for polluting society with terrible lyrics and their “bling”. They should be thankful. It’s these same rappers who are finally going to get payback from the British for all those years of colonialism and oppression. How? Through the thing they love the most. Their soccer teams.

Last week, we brought you news of Diddy’s attempts to buy Crystal Palace which is currently in administration. The Sun reports that he’s getting closer to making a decision (if you believe anything about this at all).

P DIDDY was locked in talks with Phil Alexander, chief executive of the footie club, on Thursday night – thrashing out a possible takeover.

The multi-millionaire rapper now knows exactly how much the skint club in south-east London will cost and is in contact with their administrators.

Diddy – real name Sean Combs – is expected to come back with an offer this weekend.

No one should put too much stock in this until Puffy actually walks out before the fans waving a Palace scarf and talking about how he’s going to resurrect the club and lead it to greatness before he realizes that it won’t make him rich and drops them like a Bad Boy artist.

Puff Daddy could be the advance team for American rappers looking to take over English soccer clubs. Jay-Z has expressed interest in investing in English soccer as well (if you believe the Mirror).

Jay-Z, born Shawn Carter, said: “I don’t know a lot about the business of soccer, but in the future if the right opportunity presented itself, then who knows? I am a businessman, and I will always look at an opportunity, and if it feels right great.”

Obviously he is interested in investing in Arsenal since he is an Arsenal fan. Dave Chappelle says you have to read between the lines. In this case, just draw conclusions that aren’t there Tea Party-style.

Jay is a minority owner of the New Jersey Nets so he does have some familiarity with sports ownership. However dealing with Nets fans is nothing compared to Palace supporters. All he and Sean Combs need to do is take a look at the negative reception received by the Glazers (Manchester United), Tom Hicks (Liverpool) and George Gillett (Liverpool). They could also look to Randy Lerner (Aston Villa) to see how a club should be run by a foreign owner.

Nutmeg Radio suggests that Jay take a closer look and consider an investment in the MLS. It’s not as glamorous as the Premier League or even the Championship but the league is growing despite Jim Rome’s wishes. A second New York team owned by the Roc would provide a boost to the game’s development in the inner city. It would encourage further investment in the league. There’s also the benefit of preventing the Wilpons from taking the franchise and loading it with injury-prone, elderly Dominicans picked by Omar Minaya.

In the meantime, other rappers should cross the pond and invest in the money pits known as football clubs. Someone should warn them that they aren’t actual clubs. Making it rain and pouring champagne on bitches would be frowned upon however beating opposing supporters might be acceptable in some circumstances especially at Millwall. It’s all about compromise. You’re on the clock, Cash Money Billionaires/MillionairesThousandaires/whatever.

We’re sticking with this title for our soccer roundups from now on. Well at least until the next one. Don’t worry. We have more wanking in this week’s post than you can shake a… Let’s just get to it. Shall we?

Remi Gaillard Strikes Again in Brilliant Fashion

Some of you might be familiar with the French prankster Remi Gaillard. No, he’s not a mime or a muppet like Nicolas Sarkozy. He pulled off what we think is one of his best pranks to date. Check out this video of him infiltrating Ligue 1 side L’Orient and joining in the post-game celebrations after they won the French Cup.

Gaillard should sneak onto the Knicks’ bench. He’d probably play 15-20 minutes and no one would know the difference.

H To The Izza, E To The Boue! Jay-Z Loves Him Some Arsenal

H.O.V.A. may run a musical and clothing empire but his expertise in those areas apparently doesn’t translate to the world of soccer. The Sun has revealed that Jay-Z is an Arsenal fan. In the words of the Guardian Knight in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, “He chose poorly.”

The Gunners have offered Jay and his lovely wife BEYONCE free VIP hospitality seats whenever they fancy seeing a game at the North London club’s Emirates stadium.

Club bigwigs contacted the rapper after reading in my pages that he is a big Arsenal fan.

… And the Jiggaman said: “I’d like to thank the club for their kind offer.

… He added: “I’m glad Arsenal now know it’s them I support.”

What’s not to like about a team that runs around playing “sexy football” but can’t finish the job? A hip-hop star shouldn’t want to be seen supporting anyone that can’t climax while pouring Cristal on their bitch. How long before Arsenal is sponsored by ExtenZe? Maybe Jay and Arsene Wenger can do a Cialis commercial where they sit in bathubs holding hands.

Note: Perhaps the Roc should look closer to home. Check out this post on Jay-Z and a potential MLS linkup. It’s just an idea but a damn solid one. Take some time and check out Nutmeg Radio. They’re new and have a different take on the beautiful game as well as some solid soccer gear.

What’s Next? The Dogs With Bees In Their Mouth And When They Bark They Shoot Bees At You?

Hilarity ensues when a Panamanian soccer game is interrupted by a swarm of bees. Skip to 1:05 and enjoy!

What you don’t see are the killer whales swarming while drunk chimps exchange meat for sex before rushing in with spears and stones on the flank. They filmed everything. Their first movie may suck but the second will be a rallying cry. Animal revolution is closer than you think.

And As Promised, The Wanking

Say a heartfelt goodbye to BBC presenter Kristian Digby who David Carradine’d himself this weekend. Of course we don’t want to celebrate anyone dying besides Guy Fieri or that girl from the Progressive Insurance ads. Our condolences go out to his family and friends but it’s hard to feel bad for people that go out like Carradine. At least there weren’t any ladyboys involved. Our tribute:

Read on. We assure you that future wanking will be much happier and sooner than you think.

FREE TARKAN!