Captain Morgan not only goes good with parties and parent/teacher conferences.

Fact, TF has not been permitted to get anywhere near a woman in a long, long time since a little misunderstanding at the D.C. YMCA in 1998. His apartment is also littered with old Heavy Metal magazines, Pizza Hut boxes, and the entire collection of Steven Seagal movies (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory stays in the VHS). He spends his evenings making beef jerky, practicing his origami, and reading Metallica tablature. So when the head honchos at the Deuce told him he would be interviewing our Captain Morganette Jacquelyn for the bracketmaster competition, he was so excited that he almost had another misunderstanding in the pool at the YMCA (we’re not within 500 feet of a school are we?).

TF: Jacque, thanks for taking some time to talk with us today. The Deuce is thrilled to be working with Captain Morgan, something that has helped me get through three divorces, and two (?) kids, and we are also thrilled to have you as our Morganette (she had no choice!). For our readers, we just want to confirm that you are in fact a real person, not a hologram or a cyborg from the future, or even something from another planet?

Jacque: (Laughs) Yes, I am a real, living person. Living and breathing.

TF: Colorado seems like a great place to live (seriously, I grew up in Ohio!). Personally, I feel like if the entire world was swallowed up in the apocalypse that state would keep humming along like nothing changed. I mean Hunter S. Thompson lived there! I mean that in a good way.

Jacque: Well, I hope that doesn’t ever happen but I do love living here. I hope that (Denver and the state of Colorado) stay cemented here. It’s a great place to live for sure.

TF: I read in the news that medicinal marijuana has sprung an entire industry of pot cultivation in Denver. Any thoughts? Are you high RIGHT NOW?

Jacque: (Laughs) No, but that is around for people to indulge. The people outside of Denver, in the mountains sometimes like to say that there is a cloud (of smoke) over the city.

TF: In your video, which can be viewed here, you mentioned that you like to snowboard. What kind of snowboard do you have?

Jacque: Burton. They started it all.

TF: Do you currently hate Carmelo Anthony as much as I hate LeBron James? (Sticks pin into voodoo doll Lebron’s crotch)

Jacque: It’s too bad they (Denver native Chauncey Billups was also mentioned) are no longer on the team. There are definitely less tactful ways that (Carmelo) could have (forced a trade before the deadline). A lot of people are sad to see them leave. Hopefully we can get them both to come back here some day.

TF: Given his dedication to his faith, would you still go out with a guy like Tim Tebow, knowing that he is not only (probably going to be a) bad quarterback but also about as sexually advanced as a third grader (2nd grade in NYC public schools)?

Jacque: Oh, he’d be easy (to go on a date with). I am from New York, so I could handle it.

TF: I saw Captain Morgan in the background of the video playing ping pong. In another clip I saw one of the other Morganettes. Did you get a chance to play?

Jacque: We were all just having fun. Playing some pong, the Captain way.

There you have it. I have more notes but I can’t read, or write, so well.

Jacque has been out promoting both the competition and the Deuce of Davenport in Denver, CO and she needs all of our help, because god knows our editors are not the people to lend a hand. So, unless you are a soulless monster determined to deprive Jacque of the chance to get to the Final Four, vote here early and often!

I was a little too tall
Could’ve lost a few pounds
Cargo shorts points hardly reknown
She was a black-haired beauty with big dark eyes
And points all her own sitting way up high
Way up firm and high

Out past Cole Field House where the beers got heavy
Out in the back seat of my ’96  Civic
Workin’ on mysteries without any clues
Workin’ on our night moves
Tryin’ to make some front page College Park news
Workin’ on our night moves
In the summertime
In the sweet summertime

We weren’t in love, oh no, far from it
We weren’t searchin’ for some bourbon in the sky summit
We were just young and restless and bored
Livin’ by the dorms
And we’d steal away every chance we could
To Bentley’s, Cornerstone or the trusty woods
I used her, she used me
But neither one cared
We were gettin’ our share
Workin’ on our night moves
Tryin’ to lose the awkward teenage blues
Workin’ on our night moves
And it was summertime

And oh the wonder
We felt the lightning
And we waited on the thunder
Waited on the thunder

I awoke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered
Started humming a song from 2002
Ain’t it funny how the night moves
When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closing in

I guess I could tell you, it didn’t work out.  You’ve all had stories like this.  But let’s face it: she ain’t coming back.  Voting for Jacquelyn is the closest you or I or anyone else in this godforsaken blogosphere is ever gonna get.  On top of that, she’s a great girl.  Vote for her, will ya?  Oh, and you could win $15 large, just for taking part in the Captain Morgan 2011 BracketMaster Challenge, presented by Spike.com.  Not bad.

Still interested?

What we need is for you, our faithful readers, to head on over to bracketmaster.spike.com and vote for JACQUELYN in the WEST division. If you want the best chance to win the $15,000 grand prize package and to get Jacquelyn to the top, you have to make sure to go to bracketmaster.spike.com to fill out brackets.  Not once, not twice, but thrice (or more).  Every day.  While you’re waitin’ on the thunder.