It just warms my heart when a rapper christens some part-time sucka’s head with a champagne bottle as if it was a new ocean liner. Puff Dad…Puffy…P. Didd..whatever he calls himself these days would be thrilled with Iowa’s Graham Valdes.

Valdes, a member of the track team, was arrested and charged with assault causing bodily injury after cracking a man in the head with a champagne bottle as if his name was Steve Stoute.

According to a criminal complaint, Iowa City police were called to Sauce, a liquor store at 108 E. College St., at 1:53 a.m. Saturday for a report of a man hit with a bottle. Upon arrival, officers found a man “bleeding profusely” from the top of his head and a shattered champagne bottle at his feet. The victim had a large cut on the top of his head and nose which required stitches and further medical attention, the complaint said.

The victim told police a tall, red-headed man hit him with a bottle as he was trying to leave the store after his friend had urinated in the store. The alleged attacker was still on scene and matched the description from the victim, police said.

Valdes alleged the man was “pushing past people to exit the store and he felt threatened”. He was scared because the guy wanted to leave the store? Why not get out of his way and let him go? Oh I’m sorry. No real G would move out of someone’s way. You think Da Brat or Juvenile would have avoided confrontation? Move, bitch! Get out the way! Come get some Moet upside that beady ass head, nucka!

A liquor store called Sauce? Pure genius. At this rate, Iowa may move to the SEC. They can definitely compete with Florida and Tennessee when it comes to crime.

This was not the week to bet on black. Wesley Snipes finally reported to prison to start serving a three-year sentence for tax evasion. Vampires everywhere must be thrilled. Iowa receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos thought he could take Nino’s place and turn his home into a drug house. It’s unclear if a crackhead infiltrated the operation but it suffered the same fate as the Carter Apartments.

Johnson-Koulianos, Iowa’s all time leading receiver in yards and receptions, was arrested along with his roommate Bradley Johnson after police raided their house on Tuesday.

Johnson-Koulianos, a Campbell, Ohio, native, faces seven charges: four counts of possession of controlled substances, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and one count of keeping a drug house. These are all misdemeanors.

Investigators found more than $3,000 in cash, marijuana, cocaine and prescription drugs in the house during the search, police said. The circumstances which prompted the search were not known Tuesday night.

Officers located a small amount of marijuana in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Upon arrest, Johnson-Koulianos told police he smokes marijuana and that he’d smoked it within the past 24 hours.

Ice-T was unavailable for comment. Hopefully someone on the Iowa City police force uttered a line as hilariously stupid as “I want to shoot you so bad, my dick’s hard“.

Needless to say, Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz suspended the senior and first team all-Big Ten receiver from all activities.

As of Wednesday, Johnson-Koulianos was ranked 32nd among wide receivers entering next year’s NFL draft by cbssports.com. I have no idea where Mel Kiper and Todd McShay had him before his arrest but I’ll be damned if I sign up for ESPN Insider again. I made that mistake once and it was like I was being stalked by ESPN The Magazine. Let’s be honest. It isn’t even good bathroom reading and I was tired of answering questions about why I subscribed to it every time a guest used my bathroom. “I swear I didn’t know it was part of the deal!” I digress.

To say Johnson-Koulianos’ stock is plummeting would be an understatement. Good thing Adrian Clayborn will represent Iowa in the first round because he won’t sniff the draft let alone a training camp invite. If teams (well, the Dolphins) were concerned that Dez Bryant’s mom was a whore, imagine what they’ll think of him. This goes way beyond the a Ricky Stanzi party.

Johnson-Koulianos has destroyed his immediate NFL prospects. Although he wasn’t one of the top ranked receivers in the 2011 draft, he had a legitimate shot of being a late draft pick or getting a training camp invite. From there who knows what could have happened. There’s the loss of potential income and the ability to take care of himself and family for life. However this story is bigger than the loss of money or professional status.

Johnson-Koulianos tested positive for marijuana and cocaine. Most people will talk about him sullying Iowa’s reputation or chances in the Insight Bowl. Ferentz’s coaching this season did more to affect the former than his top receiver. He has some major personal issues to sort out before thinking about getting back on the football field regardless of how the legal issues sort out.

Officers … reported finding “electronic media” showing Johnson-Koulianos in possession of cocaine and marijuana, complaints state.

Let’s put the utter disregard for discretion aside at the moment. Johnson-Koulianos was taking so many different drugs that the court should order treatment as part of any sentence. In addition to weed and coke, he also admitted to taking various prescription drugs that he obtained from “friends” without a prescription. Maybe he had a BMOC complex. Perhaps he never saw anything wrong with what he was doing. Many will say he did it to himself and he deserves whatever punishment he gets. It is his fault but he obviously needs help. Does Iowa owe him anything for his contributions to the football program? It’s about helping a young kid get his life together before he throws it away. Look what happened to Maurice Clarett after Ohio State kicked him to the curb. They got what they wanted out of him then tried to forget he ever existed. Forget prison. He’s playing in the UFL with Jeff Garcia. Is that what Johnson-Koulianos wants for himself? Omaha?

Hopefully Ferentz and rest of the Hawkeye football program will support Johnson-Koulianos through this and he’ll come out of this having learnt something before it’s done. Hey hey hey! It’s a bit more serious than an episode of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids and the UFL but you get the point.

Remember Notti Boy? He put it down for Cedar Rapids and the Hawkeyes. He and Herky the Hawk better wake up. Nebraska’s coming to the Big Ten and well, see for yourself. The game has been raised.

Where do we even start with this? Lucky Charm and Whyte Myk? Fruity Pebble and Nucka Berry must have had the day off. Snow is hanging his head in shame.

How could we forget Flocain who has about as much conviction and street cred as Gil from the Simpsons? Him rhyme card read good. He needs to drop the Ed Hardy and “extra from a Troop or Silk video” look. Actually they should drop the whole act. Lawrence Phillips and Eric Crouch are the only people we want to hear rep Nebraska on a track.

Note: Everyone needs an ear cleansing after that abortion. Typing “wake up” made me think of Brand Nubian. How about Wake Up (Reprise in the Sunshine)? I’m putting it out there. One For All ranks in the top 10 hip-hop albums of all time. Yeah I said it.

There should be a regulation that allows police officers to taser drunk college football players at any time. A taser would have done wonders when I bounced in Madison back in the day. 3/4 of the bar would have been twitching on the ground. I would have been firing off that taser indiscriminately like bukkake in a Japanese porno. Football players and entitled kids from Long Island rocking the black puffy North Face jackets and daddy’s credit card. Anyone who went to Wisconsin in the late 90s and early/mid 00s will know the bar.

Iowa running back Jewel Hampton and cornerback Jordan I. Morris-Bernstine were arrested for public intoxication and “cited for presence in a licensed liquor establishment after hours”.

Hampton was involved in several fights over the course of the evening in the same bar. Morris-Bernstine could have walked away but he kept interfering with the officers as they dealt with Hampton. This was after being told to move away. He didn’t listen so he was taken into custody as well.

Head coach Kirk Ferentz says the incident will be handled internally. Bobby Bowden would say that’s just “boys being boys” and call it a day. If Ferentz wants to put Iowa over the top, he needs to start handling these situations like Bowden and blame the victims.