You’re lucky. I was gonna triple negative your asses there for a second but it’s too early in the morning for that.

England’s version of Green Man has about as much luck as the American one. Charlie got his ass whupped by the Philly Phanatic during the World Series while Joe Green got his arse handed to him in a sack by a group of rival soccer supporters.

Green, a Norwich City supporter, attends home matches in a Green Man costume. He might want to reconsider after getting a beatdown at the hands of Nottingham Forest fans following their draw with Norwich on August 28th.

Teenager Joe Green was left with a suspected broken nose and cuts and bruises to his face after being punched and elbowed in the moments after Saturday’s game away at Nottingham Forest.

The attack came after the 16-year-old, dressed in a bright green “morph” suit, had enjoyed what he thought was friendly banter with opposition fans during Norwich’s 1-1 draw.

He said: “It was all a bit light hearted and then all of a sudden they started making slit your throat signs and I thought I would leave it.”

“…A club steward then intervened by firstly having a word with the Forest fans responsible and then with him.

The life-long City supporter said he then tried to ignore the fans who had made gestures towards him throughout the second half before trying to make sure he avoided them on leaving the ground.

That didn’t work out so well for Green who came out of the incident bloodied and bruised. He intends to keep wearing the bodysuit to matches. He should sit down and watch a few episodes of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It never works out for Green Man on TV either.

As we glide into warmer weather and brighter days, we’re still stuck with a deluge of crappy stories.  I’m wondering when we’ll get a break from the sexual assaults, projectile vomiting, and the Baltimore Orioles.  Prepare for your weekend away from the mess with some headlines:

• Both the Washington Capitals and Pittsburgh Penguins lost their playoff openers.

Granted, it’s really early, and I’m pretty sure Game 7 for both of their series isn’t scheduled until the beginning of June, but I can’t think of a worse follow-up to the NHL’s success at the Vancouver games than to lose its two marquee players in the first round of the playoffs.  That would be devastating.  I consider myself fairly knowledgeable about sports, but if you asked me to name 100 current NHLers right now, I probably couldn’t do it.  The NHL needs a Caps-Pens matchup more than a USA medal finish in just about every way.

• A New Jersey man was charged with assault and harassment after allegedly making himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and his daughter.

New Jersey?  Phillies fan?  Drunk?  Too, too easy.  Very quickly, let me just check something:

Yep, big fat pig.  Have fun in jail, jerk.  And where was Green Man when you need him?  Speaking of which: dressing up as Green Man is TIRED.  Green Man first came on the scene in September 2007.  Since that time, I can say without a doubt, I’ve seen at least one attention-seeking pencil neck dressed as Green Man at each outdoor concert and sporting event I’ve attended.  Whatever happened to going to a game, having a few beers, betting on the condiment race and scoping out other dudes’ girlfriends?

• Jay-Z is suing David Ortiz after Ortiz named his Dominican nightclub after the rapper’s chain of 40/40 clubs. 

Rough month for Papi: benched by Tito Francona, he’s struck out in half of his at bats, and now he’s being sued.  I wonder if part of the settlement will include an agreement indicating who’s overpriced sinkhole gets to go out of business first.  Celebrity-themed restaurants and bars are almost always terrible tourist traps.  I will write more about this phenomenon one day.  Dan Majerle, you’re on notice.

• After appearing drunk and making disparaging remarks about Tim Tebow and Bill Parcells on camera, Jerry Jones apologized, calling his choice of words, “a sarcastic term of endearment.”

First of all: if you go to a bar and see a celebrity and you’re stalking doesn’t convince them to a) leave, or b) call the cops, please don’t record them.  It’s weird, it’s creepy and you’re ruining it for the rest of us.  I’ve hung out in places where celebrities have let loose and let me tell you: it’s awesome.  But as soon as you pull out a camera, you ruin it for everyone else.  Now Jerry Jones will never go to a public place and drink ever again.  See what you did, nerds?  Jerry, I’ll get drunk with you and you can call me a “piece of s—“ anytime you want. 

• As more sordid details emerge from Ben Roethlisberger’s big night out, owner Art Rooney II is preparing to discipline Big Ben after the draft.

We’ve discussed “Young Dummies with Money Syndrome” before, so I won’t get into it again, but I will say if there is a dumber guy in football than Ben Roethlisberger, I’d sure as hell like to meet him.  When you’ve got Terry Bradshaw giving you life advice, you must be really, really slow.  And how will the Steelers be punishing him?  By trading away their best receiver for nothing?  Never mind, they already did that.

• Boston’s Mike Cameron might miss time with kidney stones.

Whenever I think of kidney stones, I think of Kramer. 

JERRY: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey.

JERRY: What’s with you?

KRAMER: I got a stone.

JERRY: What stone?

KRAMER: A kidney stone.

JERRY: What is that, anyway?

KRAMER: It’s a, it’s a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It’s forced out through the urine!

JERRY: Oh, that’s gotta hurt.

Indeed.  Have a great weekend.  Let’s hope for a weekend where everybody stays out of jail and keeps their pants on.