Brazil may go Great White when it comes to fires up in the club but they’re prepared when it comes to stadium seating.

The 2014 World Cup is around the corner and Brazil is rushing to get ready for the hordes of fans that will descend on the Rainbow Nation next summer. They’re tearing down favelas, banishing homeless people from city centers, converting sex motels into tourist traps and installing oversized stadium seating for the expected English invasion.

Double-sized seats are being installed at several stadiums for overweight World Cup fans. They’ll be able to accomodate people weighing up to 560 pounds. They’ll have to pay double the normal seat price but at least they’ll be able to avoid confrontations with ushers. This means Kevin Smith won’t have to rant after getting tossed from the stadium for not sitting down. Eat all the pão de queijo you want and hit up the comida por quilo 20 times, my friend. Brazil’s got your back and ass.

Restaurant recommendation: If you live in New York and want to start stuffing yourself now before heading down to Brazil, check out Miss Favela on S. 5th St. in Williamsburg for some great food and music. If you’re not careful, you may end up with a bottle of cachaça on the house.

Or what? You’ll release the sharks? Or the robbers? Or the sharks with robbers in their mouths and when they open their mouths they shoot robbers at you? This could happen to you if you’re not careful in South Africa.

There have been numerous warnings about crime in South Africa in advance of the World Cup which are frankly overblown. However the latest news regarding DANGER! in the host country has caused me to reconsider my trip there this summer.  Reports have emerged that security will be stepped up along the South African coastline during the tournament due to Great Whites targeting foreign tourists. That would be sharks not Boers or the band.

Today Sharks Board spokesman Harry Mbambo said teams of trained spotters would patrol the waters near beaches throughout the World Cup to alert fans to the killer beasts.

He said: “There is often a lot of shark activity around South Africa and we were concerned for the safety of foreign football fans who come here for the World Cup.

“We have taken extraordinary action to increase our shark security and to ensure that bathers are kept safe from harm.”

How the hell can Great Whites differentiate foreign tourists from locals? Do they have a Tourists of the World guidebook? Did they combine forces with the Boers and get human intel in order to maximize havoc in June?

“Ok, we’ll take the water. You take the land. We’ll split everything down the middle after P.W. Botha and Jaws get their cuts.”

There ain’t no diplomatic immunity in South Africa this summer.

Since we referenced the band, here you go:

Where else can you get Blazhay Blazhay and Great White in the same post?