Awww the little guy wants some so bad. This soccer fan wishes he was out there punching horses with the big boys or he’s holding himself back from going full berzerker on a whole firm. You want some of this too, old man? No.

Your musical reference: The Mekons

You know David Price wouldn’t be as salty if he had to buy a breast pump for Eva Longoria. “Shit, I’ll just handle that myself.” Alas he’s stuck with the bill for Evan instead of Eva.

Evan Longoria and his girlfriend had their first child and as we all know that means it’s time for friends and family to rush to the baby registry before all the cheap gifts are claimed. Price was slow on the uptake and ended up stuck with the breast pump, the most expensive gift on the registry.

“A breast pump,” Price said. “Hey, Evan told me to buy a breast pump. So I bought a breast pump.”

He managed to work up some bemused indignation over the whole thing.

“Most expensive thing on the registry and I have to buy it.”

Price made the mistake of checking to see what the couple needed instead of buying something he thought they could use or the kid could use when she gets a bit older like a onesie from the team shop. I’m like school on a Saturday. No class.

Of course $300 means nothing to a player who’s earning $10.1 million this season but as Big Worm says “It’s principalities in this“.

Speaking of baby showers, what’s up with men being invited to baby showers the past couple years? Has that always been a thing? I’ve found myself at several wondering what I was doing there along with the other men. We’ve been lucky so far in that they’ve been held at bars so we would congregate at the bar while the women did their thing. I once found myself suckered into some game where I had to wear a trash bag and eat pudding because I had no idea what went on at baby showers. It could also be that I didn’t get suckered. I’m just that stupid and unaware. I wake up with cold sweats in the middle of the night thinking about that day.

I’m not mad at being invited to baby showers. Just wondering when that started happening. There’s also the phenomenon of the engagement party. I’m cool with them if I’m not required to give a gift and the couple just wants to celebrate making things official. However I’ve been invited to others where gifts were “encouraged”. Fuck that. You get one gift. Pick whether you want it for your engagement or wedding. If you’re holding a destination wedding where I have to cross international waters, expect your gift to be on the cheaper end. The exception? The wedding takes place on a boat in international waters and knife fighting monkeys are the post-wedding entertainment. Huzzah. I’ll make it rain on your registry. Short of that, just be aware.

I already have three weddings this year. I swear I’ll get someone an air freshener if they decide to go with the Dodge Dart registry. Yes. Dodge has a car registry where people can log on and buy the lucky couple parts of a Dodge Dart. Chimp, you’re finally getting your wedding present. It’s Clutch. I mean a clutch.

It was only last month when many of you were crying about the Mayan apocalypse. You should have seen people chilling in Australia. They’ve been in training for the inevitable all their lives. Don’t believe me? Watch the Mad Max documentary series. It’s as if David Attenborough decided to focus on humans for a change.

There are basic survival rules every Australian learns from childhood. Rule #3: Always keep your head on a swivel. You never know when danger will come or where it’ll come from. ACT Brumbies scrumhalf Nic White learned his lesson when he was “king-hit” at a music festival.

ACT Brumbies scrumhalf Nic White needed surgery on a fractured jaw after he was king-hit at the Foreshore music festival on November 24.

The Brumbies have cleared the 22-year-old of any wrongdoing and claimed he was struck once from behind.

Brumbies chief executive Andrew Fagan said the Super Rugby club investigated the incident soon after it happened and that White didn’t press charges with police because he didn’t see who his attacker was.

”Nic was the victim of an unprovoked assault in which he was king-hit when struck once at Foreshore through no fault of his own,” Fagan said.

King-hit is Australian for getting knocked the fuck out. An example.

White wasn’t the only one getting into it at the music festival. The Canberra Raiders’ Blake Ferguson was spotted spitting on concert goers and had to be “escorted” out of the VIP area by security.

Say what you will but news of these incidents is encouraging. Australian rugby has come along way in the past couple years. I’ll take spitting on people and getting knocked out at music festivals over rugby players getting blowjobs from dogs any day.

There’s nothing like January in Pittsburgh. Miserable weather, Phil Simms blowing his load over Ben Roethlisberger and Sidney Crosby harvesting concussions like a migrant worker on a Fresno factory farm. One of three ain’t bad as long as it’s not the weather. What’s a yinzer to do when he has put gyro meat on everything edible and there are no sports to watch? Apparently rob his own teams like a Liverpool supporter.

John Winters was arrested after breaking into Heinz Field and trying to gain entry into the Steelers locker room.

Wearing a Pirates cap and gray sweatpants, a Brighton Heights man today tried to break into the Steelers locker room at Heinz Field using a hammer, according to Pittsburgh police.

… He “wandered around the field area” before walking toward the locker room, according to the complaint.

With guards watching the security feed, Mr. Winters tried using a hammer to get inside the locker room, according to the complaint.

Winters probably spent the weekend in Pittsburgh’s version of The Tombs eating month-old gyro meat and drinking skunked Iron City while avoiding come-hither glances from Jeff Reed.

Excuse me while I digress for a moment. What’s the deal with Pittsburgh and gyro meat anyway? Why is it offered with any dish one can order whether it’s a burger, salad or ice cream sundae? Is there an overpopulation of meatopotamuses? Is the Greek Mafia expanding from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh through Pennsyltucky? “You’re gonna fuckin’ buy all this fuckin’ lamb or you’ll be the one on a spit at the bottom of the fuckin’ Allegheny. (Greek equivalent of capisci)?”

Anyway the NHL season can’t start fast enough. We could have a Sudden Death situation on our hands if Pittsburgh sports fans don’t have something to be insufferable about soon.

Was that lamb on the cutter?

Are you a man looking for everlasting love overseas? Tired of the multiple trips to Rostov-on-Don, Manila and Tirana? Try Foshan, China. The food and weather are great. Just make sure you bring your broadsword, bo staff and Tiger style if you want to have great success.

Two sisters are offering men the chance to win their hands in marriage. Ooh that’s good. However they have to compete in a 3-day martial arts challenge for the right to propose. Ooh that’s bad.

First contestants must show off their archery skills, then they must carry a heavy weight over sharpened bamboo spears, and finally they have to defeat one of the sisters in full contact combat.

Only then will contestants earn the right to remove the girls’ masks and propose to them.

‘They can chose open hand or any weapon they wish but we won’t be holding back. If they can’t beat us they aren’t worthy,” explained Lin.

‘We tried dating agencies but the men we met were all to weak. We could beat them easily,’ said Yin.

‘So we went back to ancient ways called Bi Wu Zhao Qin – which was the way warrior princesses would find their men.’

You have to feel for the guys who thought they were just going to meet up for dinner and/or drinks and found themselves being submitted by the Five Fingers of Death or Buddha’s Palm.

“So how did it go, Ip Man?”**

“Well it started off great. We got to know each other over a drink then went to dinner. In the middle, she jumped over the table and started feeding me. She kept feeding me and feeding me and feeding me…”

“That’s great! She likes you to eat!”

“No, it’s terrible. She sewed my asshole closed first.”

Needless to say, potential husbands haven’t been rushing to take up the challenge. There are some issues as pointed out by one “doubtful suitor”.

“I’m a very good martial artist – but I think I’d want to see them with the masks off before I decided whether I wanted to fight for them.”

“Janet Jackson? Look more like Freddie Jackson!” Maybe bachelor #1 would be more up for a fight if they fought Busty Heart. Let’s just say her style is floppy but deadly. In the words of someone who witnessed her in action, “She is awesome but you wouldn’t want to be behind her when she’s running for a bus.”

** If you love martial arts movies and haven’t seen Ip Man, you’re slipping. Get your hands on it ASAP then get 2 and 3.