Lillian, the bitch is falling down the stairs again! It just doesn’t pay to fall down the stairs these days. Life Alert and witnesses are useless. Aunt Bunny got no help. Sergio Kindle was cut by the Ravens and now a soccer fan has received the super-ban, cousin of the super-injunction.

Francesco Fortucci is persona non grata at every stadium in England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. Wbat was his impressive trangression? Falling down the stairs during the Edinburgh derby between Hearts and Hibs.

Did he take responsibility for his actions? Hell no.

The Jambos diehard took to Facebook to air his 
distress.

He said: “Entering a stadium while drunk. Currently banned from all stadia in UK . . . harsh.”

The barber had earlier told pals his alleged ban is indicative of everything that is wrong with the game.

He said: “There’s no denying it’s a sore one, however if I receive a banning order for simply falling then this will tell you everything that is wrong with Scottish football. I’m not the first person to fall down stairs at football and I won’t be the last.”

Mr Fortucci claimed that despite reports he had been helped back to his seat by Hearts ground staff, he had instead been taken straight from Tynecastle to a nearby police station.

He claimed: “Ushered back to my seat? P**h – try ushered down to St Leonard’s.”

You think doing a flip over the gate was good? Wait until we play Kilamrnock. I’m gonna triple lindy off the upper deck. If drunks can’t fall down the stairs at Scottish soccer games, we might as well call it a day. You want to know why Rangers is playing in the Third Division instead of the Premier League. Banning fans from celebrating their teams by diving down a concrete staircase. Float away, you fairy and let’s get pissed!

A fan managed to catch the fall and landing on his cell phone. Zapruder would weep if he were alive to see this video.

I’ve decided to let the Italians worry about Nelson Mandela thanks to staying up late and following Questlove on Twitter. Eddie Murphy had a hand in a failed 1989 sitcom called “What’s Alan Watching”. Questlove somehow found this and tweeted it out for the rest of us to witness.

Ellen Cleghorne was also in the cast as was Fran Drescher. A token 80s SNL cast member and a woman who made the most annoying sound in the world until Dumb and Dumber. How could CBS deny this brilliance?

Anyone who has seen Coming to America knows that Semi has to do anything Prince Akeem does. Check out Arsenio Hall’s cartoon pilot

Chunky A, Florida Evans and Freddie from A Different World? That’s an Axis of Awesome. Too bad Eddie and Arsenio couldn’t have worked together again and combined live action with a cartoon like Paula Abdul in “Opposites Attract“. That video lasted way longer than either of their pilots. MC Skat Kat was the key like Freedom Williams. Eddie Murphy may have liked working with him especially if he was into scat.

H/T to Questlove.

Who knew former 49ers coach Mike Singletary was down with Teddy Pendergrass? Teddy was smooth but rough. He left you know what you up right away and wasn’t scared to let the ladies know in no uncertain terms. He was all about, as Eddie Murphy noted, “[scaring] the bitches into liking him”. Unfortunately that doesn’t work in football as Singletary found out.

Singletary was fired from his position as 49ers coach after a tenure of ineptitude. His players seemed relieved and looser during their last game under interim coach Jim Tomsula. That wasn’t an illusion as the Sacramento Bee’s Matt Barrows found out:

Vernon Davis had perhaps the most poignant quote when describing what went wrong early in the season. “Guys were … guys were just a little … scared, I should say. They were scared. They were more worried about coach Singletary getting on them instead of playing football. But you have to understand him (Singletary). If you don’t understand the guy, then you’re not going to be able to relate to him. And I think that’s what the problem was with most guys. They were scared, worried about dropping passes and missing tackles and stuff instead of just going out and being themselves. But he left, and guys started being a little easy.”

There’s really no where else to go but scared when your coach reams you out and drops his pants during halftime of his first game in charge. If he’s willing to do that from the jump, what’s he gonna do when things get really bad? The 49ers quickly learned to never turn their backs to Mike Singletary especially when their pants were down.