Do you know those flashback scenes from Terminator when Kyle Reese fades out and you see the sky is pitch black and there is rubble and bodies everywhere? That’s what Cleveland’s downtown looks like in 2011. The city is bleeding population, and jobs, and the most famous athlete since Jim Brown bolted for better weather, and to play with his butt buddies, Dwayne Wade, and Chris “Me Too” Bosh.

In January, evildoer Lebron James tweeted out the now-infamous “karma is a bitch” tweet. Lebron denied he was talking about his former team, who were catching a beating from the Lakers that eventually shook out to 112-57, but Lebron is a goddamn liar so nobody believed him. Sunday, the Bulls handed the Miami Heat a 21-point beating that should have been filed in a police report as an assault. Tuesday night, Dan Gilbert delivered the first good news on the CAVS front in some time. Don’t call karma names, Lebron!

Taste the happy, ESPN:

The Cavs will select first for the first time since 2003, when they drafted James out of high school.

He left for Miami last summer and the Cavs tumbled to the second-worst record in the league, but they will have two top-four picks next month as they try to back owner Dan Gilbert’s boast that they would win a title before James. They already had their own pick and acquired another at the trade deadline from the Clippers in the deal for Baron Davis.

It is also worth noting that Cleveland Browns players Joshua Cribbs, and Joe Haden were there, along with Bernie Kosar. Cribbs and Haden were rooting for the CAVS, Kosar was going to ask for a loan from Dan Gilbert.

Its the 16th championship title for the LA Lakers as they beat the Boston Celtics in Game 7 of the NBA Finals by the score of 83-79. Shockingly, their Wheaties box is already set to go out to your local grocery store. Check your store shelves in a month or so for it if you want it. Personally, as a Washington sports fan I had no horse in this race but in the interests of not being a sore loser I wish the Lakers and their fans congratulations for an excellent season.

Even though it would’ve been a heck of a lot cooler to see Phil Jackson lose one of these things for once.  That guy is friggin bullet-proof. Also, can people put the rest the whole Kobe is as good as MJ now b/c he won almost as many titles?  Kobe wasn’t even the best player on the team for the ones he won with Shaq. He was the Jimmy Olson to Shaq’s Superman. Kobe is an excellent player, but he is no Michael Jordan.

If you don’t believe me, look up the stats on Basketball-Reference.com and you’ll see, its not even close. As a matter of fact, Lebron and Dwayne Wade are probably closer to his skills than Kobe is.

Nevertheless, congrats Lakers. John Wall is now gonna be gunning for you. TO BE THE BEST YOU GOTTA BEAT THE BEST!

Lebron James ended his season last night as valiantly as possible.  With an elbow that looked positively damaged, he managed to keep the Cavs alive for most of the game, even if it looked like the rest of his teammates were busy planning their next tattoos.  After the game, Lebron said all the right (albeit boring) things — officially kicking off what has the potential to be the most annoying 45 days of sports coverage of all time: ”Oh, where will Lebron sign!?!?!?!?”  Expect a month and a half of Farvian-coverage that will be more psychologically damaging than a Michael Irvin and Emmitt Smith production of “Hamlet.”  Until then, on to some headlines: 

• The Montreal Canadiens upset the Pittsburgh Penguins to advance to the Conference Finals.

• The Kansas City Royals fired manager Trey Hillman and replaced him with Ned Yost.

• Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing re-won the AP’s Defensive Rookie of the Year after a positive drug test led the AP to take a re-vote. 

Cushing is the third NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year to be suspended for performance-enhancing substances in the last eight seasons, following Julius Peppers and Shawne Merriman.  The equivalent to this in baseball would be if Evan Longoria, Ryan Howard and Hanley Ramirez all tested positive for PEDs. If that had come to pass Congress would be involved, columnists would have their heart medication doubled and we would all be forced to think of the children under penalty of law.

 

I don’t think I could say it any better, so I won’t.  Is this the worst NFL offseason ever?  I think so.  And while Cushing is clear to point out he did not have a positive test for steroids, I’ll let this picture do the talking:

 

Yeah, that’s all natural, baby. 

• Curt Schilling told ESPN that Stephen Strasburg could be the best pitcher in baseball when he is recalled from the minor leagues.

• The Miami Heat created a website entitled www.wewantwade.com in order to persuade the star to resign with the team.

• Toronto & Chris Bosh:  Since the G-20 is coming to town, the Raptors have scrapped their Bosh campaign and are just going to give him to Philly.
• Atlanta & Joe Johnson: The Hawks have offered to re-open the “Gold Club” with new manager Patrick Ewing. 
• Phoenix & Amare Stoudemire: They plan on scaring the hell out of him.  Three words: Zombie Steve Nash.
• Utah & Carlos Boozer: The Jazz will create a fake max offer from Cleveland, just so he can renege on it and resign with Utah.
• San Antonio & Manu Ginobli: A lifetime membership in the Hair Club for Men and a nose job on the arm. 
• Detroit Pistons & Kwame Brown: The Pistons are raising money to purchase a bus ticket to Charlotte, NC so Kwame can be reunited with the only person in the world who ever thought he’d be good at basketball: Michael Jordan.

• The farm used in the movie “Field of Dreams” is for sale.