Oh Kegasus we barely knew ye. How will we remember our favorite party centaur? The Kentucky Derby Museum suggests a decanter of delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What’s that? You want me to drink you? I’m in the middle of writing a post.

The museum is releasing a Secretariat themed decanter right before the Kentucky Derby. That’s not the best part. It’ll be filled with Four Roses bourbon as picked by Penny Chenery, Secretariat’s owner. I’m not quite clear on why she owns a dead horse but I mind my own damn business and stay out of people’s personal affairs.

Kegasus would one up the Kentucky Derby by introducing a pony keg sized decanter of himself filled with Natty Boh. Just the sauce one needs before making the annual Preakness Toilet Run.

The commemorative drinking vessel is a brilliant idea that other sports should take up. Forget plastic cups or koozies. The Yankees could release a David Wells-shaped keg. The Argentine Football Association should put out a ceramic Maradona container that can hold your coke, mini-knife, credit cards and cash. The possibilities are endless.

The Deuce, for one, would like to welcome our new mascot overlord. We’re thrilled that it turned out to be Diego Maradona. The only other one we would have accepted is Aaron from Eastbound and Down.

Many passionate followers of soccer (myself included) will tell you that it’s a religion. There’s no Kierkegaard-style leap of faith needed to believe in what you can see, hear and feel. It’s absolutely an obsession but one that you pursue without the hocus-pocus and child molestation despite what you might see from Lionel Messi and Arsene Wenger respectively.

VICE traveled south to Rosario, Argentina to attend Mass at the Church of Maradona. This is more than a fan club. It’s an actual religion. Watch and see for yourself.

Not everyone deserves this kind of worship but there are those worthy of this level of praise. Titus Bramble, Eric Djemba Djemba, Jean-Alain Boumsong, Winston Bogarde, Oliver Miller, Glenn Davis, Jeff George (only if you’re Jason Whitlock), etc. You know. The greats.

Tomorrow we’ll travel to Sao Paulo with VICE to check in on Corinthians and their massive fan club which I had the privilege of experiencing in person years ago.

Go to VBS.tv for more on the Church of Maradona and other videos from the We Are Eleven series in addition to the usual hotness one expects from them.

**If you’re in the NYC area and want to attend “services”, check out Lunasa on 1st Ave. between 7th St. and St. Mark’s (8th St.) in the East Village. I’m usually there with the rest of the New York Blues (Chelsea). All are welcome no matter who your team. However feel free to hit us up here if you support a different club and want to commiserate with your peoples about how shit your team is. Some supporters groups have different home bases. We’ll do our best to put steer you towards the right bar/pub/Bellevue depending on who you support.

Some had money on Argentina going all the way in the World Cup. Others like myself were pulling for them hoping that manager Diego Maradona would OD after winning the whole thing.

Unfortunately it looked like Maradona would fade into Bolivian (marching powder) after the loss but luckily the Argentinian FA is offering him a 4-year contract next week. There’s still hope for a Tony Montana meltdown culminating in the authorities finding him face down in a massive pile of coke.

In the meantime, he isn’t slowing down. He’s dropping hits like acid.

Apologies to anyone who thought this was going to be a post on Robbie Fowler.

Argentina is going to win the World Cup or go down in flames. There’s no middle ground when it comes to their 2010 squad. The reason? Manager Diego Maradona. He already complained about the toilets and had executive bidets installed for the team. Front and rear bidet wands. Side to side and all that shit. They also have 16 inch rims.

The crazy don’t stop there. It goes on the pitch too. Check this video from an Argentina training session. Do not lose a match in training under Maradona. If you do, this might will be your punishment.

I’ll tell you one thing. I’m getting ‘Nam-style flashbacks to playing Butts Up in school.

I just to see Maradona crack and be filmed with his head in a huge pile of coke. That would definitely make up for the Black Eyed Peas. Sepp Blatter and FIFA owe the world an apology for that abortion of an act.

It’s been a week since I last posted.  I know that after my Preakness article, there were some rumors that I was killed by Hurricane Ike in a tragic horseracing “accident,” but let’s face facts: the Maryland Jockey Club wouldn’t want ever want to risk bad press, would they?  In any case, in the words of the immortal Jeffrey Atkins: I’m not always there when you call, but I’m always on time.  At least with headlines.  On to them: 

• After admitting to blood doping during most of his career, Floyd Landis accused Lance Armstrong of doing the same.  

I realize Lance Armstrong is a once-in-a-lifetime athlete who kicked cancer’s ass then became the most dominant competitor in the history of his sport.  And for some reason, I really dislike him.  Just rubs me the wrong way.  HOWEVER, Floyd Landis is a complete and utter fraud.  The guy’s a liar.  At this point, I don’t think I’d be surprised if I found out Mother Theresa was on PEDs (nor would I care), but Floyd is pathetic.  Leave Lance alone – don’t be jealous just because he’s friends with the world’s best bro. 

• Washington Redskins receiver Santana Moss was linked to a Canadian doctor charged with “making false statements to federal officials, smuggling, unlawful distribution of human growth hormone (HGH), introducing the unapproved drug, called actovegin, into interstate commerce and conspiracy to defraud the United States.”    

The poor Redskins can’t even win when they cheat — that’s embarassing.  However, I’m going to choose to look at this positively: Santana Moss was so devoted to his terrible, dysfunctional team that he was willing to risk his career, health, reputation and money in the hopes he could be slightly mediocre for a team owned by Dan Snyder and coached by Jim Zorn.  That’s dedication, holmes.

• Soccer legend and current Argentina coach Diego Maradona “apologised” for running over the foot of a cameraman outside of Buenos Aires. 

Ok, I have an unrelated point to make here, but let me get the jokes out of the way first.  Maradona ran over the cameraman’s foot because a) He had a hot pizza in the passenger’s seat and was in a hurry to eat it; b) He had an eight ball in the passenger’s seat and was in a hurry to snort it; or c) he had both in his car but was in a hurry because he didn’t pay taxes on either of them. 

Now that that’s out of the way: don’t you hate it when Americans take British expressions and attempt to use them in regular conversation?  I’m not saying they’re wrong or inappropriate, but they just make you sound pretentious and if I’m British, I’d think you’re a jerk.  Most Brits probably think that already, but just because Guy Ritchie and Austin Powers made some popular British-themed movies 10 years ago that EVERYONE saw doesn’t mean you can roll around and drop “over the moon” or “preggers” or “flat.”  Stop it.   

• Delonte West, teammate of LeBron, and Gloria James, mother of LeBron, reportedly engaged in a romantic relationship.  

This is like a combination of “American Pie” and “Desperado.”  If I’m LeBron, I’m super heated, but what are you gonna do?  Delonte rolls like Antonio Banderas: on a motorcycle with a loaded shotty in a guitar case slung across his back and two sidearms just in case the banditos get too close.  Bron-Bron’s Mom likes the bad-boys… 

• Seven-time Pro-Bowl linebacker Zach Thomas signed a one-day, $1 contract in order to retire as a member of the Miami Dolphins. 

First: does he ever get the dollar?  Second, these stories are stupid.  Just because Emmitt Smith did the same thing means we’re supposed to forget he played for Arizona?  Or that Jerry Rice never laced them up for Seattle?  And what’s the significance of a one-day contract?  Do you hang out there for a day, sweep the floors, wash a load of jock straps and call it a day?  Just give the guy his plaque at halftime of a game next season and be done with it.  There wasn’t anything symbolic about the way you cut the guy when he was expensive and hurt.  Why start now?

•  The Washington Wizards won the NBA lottery. 

The Curse of Les Boulez is over!  Until JeVale McGee sleeps with John Wall’s mom. 

• Brett Favre told his alma mater’s baseball team that if they make the College World Series for the second consecutive year, he’ll return to the Minnesota Vikings.

Brett is akin to an attractive girl you date who also happens to be a gigantic flake.  She’s never on time, always changes her plans based on a whim, will initiate a text conversation with you then disappear for 9 hours… Yet, she is insanely hot and when you’re around her, she can do no wrong.  Unfortunately, she drives YOU insane but you can’t break up with her because you’re worried you’ll end up with a girl that looks like Sage Rosenfels or Tavaris Jackson and they won’t be half as good at throwing a post pattern.  Or something like that…

I must say I am thoroughly enjoying Favre’s wanton disregard for the feelings of Brad Childress, the Minnesota Vikings, and the NFL.  You know there’s some diehard at NFL headquarters flipping out over his disrespect for “the League.”  Although this bet could be a blessing in disguise for the rest of us: if the team makes it, we’re spared a summer of Rachel Nichols standing on Farve’s lawn telling us nothing.

Have a wild weekend.  I’ll be out on a motorcycle, guitar case slung across my back, looking for Salma.