Not only are we going to Cheshire … we’re going to Manchester and Madrid and Los Angeles and Milan and South Africa, and we’re going back to California and London. And then we’re going to Westminster Abbey to take back the Royal Wedding. Yeah!

David Beckham’s inaugural game for the LA Galaxy was a garish scene. Cameras flashing. Celebrities milling about the stadium. Little girls screaming. Chelsea fans (including myself) loudly questioning Posh’s love of anal and screaming at him every time he came near our section. His scowls warmed our hearts. Goldenballs’ American future was so bright. He was single-handedly going to fill the Galaxy’s trophy cabinet with silverware as well as boost the profile of the MLS. His wife would become a Hollywood A-lister. Years later, the cabinet has more in common with Arsenal’s and his wife is better known for looking like Skeletor than having a successful music or television career. How’s the MLS doing? Growing every year no thanks to him. Since he’s not needed, he’ll be off again.

The Mirror reports that the Galaxy have given Beckham permission to attend the Royal Wedding. It will take place during the regular MLS season and 48 hours before they play FC Dallas (dumbest name in MLS until Real Salt Lake and Sporting Kansas City). He intends to return in time for the game. The reasoning besides his friendship with Prince William? It’s an “amazing British royal event”. I can just imagine Bruce Arena saying that like Billy Bush then throwing it to some chickenhead entertainment reporter for the whole scoop.

Beckham may have helped the Galaxy sell a few more shirts and tickets but that’s about it. It seems as though he spends more time worrying about his non-existent England chances and playing for teams in Europe during the off-season. At least he didn’t come back injured from his time with Spurs. He didn’t do much for them either except buy them pies and mash on the way out.

The Galaxy were wise not to allow Beckham to play any games for Spurs. He’s not getting any younger and playing constantly doesn’t do him or the team any favors. His last stint with AC Milan ended up with him being out for months. His first priority should be the team that sorts his direct deposit. If he wants to leave at the end of his deal, that’s his prerogative.

No one questions Beckham’s work ethic and taking off for a wedding isn’t the worst thing ever but there is something to be said for perception. It’s understandable why many Galaxy fans are fed up with him. It would behoove him to put his head down and fully commit to the team’s cause for a whole season without always thinking about his next move or appearing to put the cause second or third to outside interests.

You know you’ve reached the waning days of summer when the Sports Illustrated College Football Preview lands in your mailbox.  As a kid, you hate to see that issue because it means summer is almost over and you have to go back to school.  For some, as you get older, for four (or five) falls, that means you get to head back to college and live in a place that is pants-optional.  After that, it just means fall is near, so don’t forget to treat the lawn for cooler temperatures!  Lame.

In any case, the SI College Football issue gives hope to people that love college football and are fanatical about their alma mater or adopted alma mater.  However, this only works if your team is actually good.  SI used to rank all 100+ D1 teams with a predicted won-loss record.  That was heartbreaking for many of us as we would page through the Top 25, Top 50, Top 75, and then finally settle into the Top 104, which is where we’d find our school, nestled between football powerhouses Kent State and Buffalo.  In college football, hope doesn’t always spring eternal, but tailgates do, so it’s not all bad.  On to some headlines:

• Rex Ryan and Tony Dungy had a “man to man” discussion about Ryan’s cursing on “Hard Knocks.”

I lived in New York for a time and became engrossed in their culture of fandom.  It was fascinating to hear about the division between Jets v. Giants fans, Yankees v. Mets fans, and the Knicks v. a team of mole people.  Nonetheless, without fail, Jets fans fulfilled almost every Jets fan stereotype you’ve ever heard.  They were insufferable.  As much as I despised the Giants, I tended to watch more of their games because every time I saw Woody Johnson or Eric Mangini on television, it made me want to quit watching football.  Rex Ryan has changed all of that.  Ever since that first string of F-bombs and handful of pretzel M&Ms, I’ve become smitten.  I hope they win the Super Bowl.  Who cares if that means a nationwide shortage of Skoal?  I want to see Rex unleash a stream of curses while eating a Chipotle burrito so large it makes Joe Buck look like a child.

• Seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens was indicted for perjury.

Clemens is either a massive liar or this is the worst case of “guilty by association” in history.  This is really just the nail in the coffin of an already-tarnished legacy: Clemens was always viewed as a jerk who didn’t really play with much class or humility.  Between his exit in Boston, forcing a trade out of Toronto, then lying to the Yankees about retirement, he has never really been anything more than a “me-first” player.  Sure, this just about crushes any chance of a Hall-of-Fame election for him, but to be honest, even if he was elected, it’s not like any of his teams would look to him as an ambassador of the game.  Maybe he should just tell the judge he was hypnotized.

• NY Giants QB Eli Manning needed 10-15 stitches to close a cut he received during a preseason game.

Wayne Gretzky is one of my favorite hockey players ever.  Nonetheless, one of my favorite moments in “Swingers” occurs when Vince Vaughn’s character makes “Little Wayne’s” head bleed during a game of NHL ’94.  In terms of players who I’d most like to see this happen to, Eli Manning is up there.  So is his brother.  As well as Jay Cutler.  And Tony Romo.  I don’t have any particular disdain for these guys, nor do I wish them any bodily harm, but I just think if it’s going to happen to anyone, I want it to happen to them.  If it happened to Rex Ryan, I think the world might explode in badass.  He’d probably wipe his forehead with hot dog roll and get back to coaching.

• The Pittsburgh Pirates signed a 16 year-old pitcher from Mexico.

Piece of advice for Pirates management: keep this kid out of the Arizona Fall League.

• David Beckham is the highest paid player in MLS.

Looking pretty and feminine is expensive!  Plus, he’s got to take care of his wife and family’s expenses as well.  Haha!  Oh Becks, we kid because you’re a washed-up soccer player that really hasn’t done too much in the last ten years to warrant any kind of attention, but you married a plastic Spice Girl that loves Los Angeles so now we’re stuck with you.  And yet, you make millions.  This has been your “Why It Rules to be a Professional Athlete” update.

That’s all for this week.  Thank you very much indeed for your support of the Deuce.  We know the postings haven’t been as regular as we’d like, but the next few weeks promise to bring some new (and hopefully funny) things that have absolutely nothing to do with Stat Boy.  Until then, if you need me, I’ll be pre-gaming.

It’s been a minute since we’ve thrown a soccer roundup at you so let’s get to it. Get your proper soccer news and analysis elsewhere. Here come the dirt and gossip.

Nobody Circles The Whores Like Ashley Cole

You have to hand it to Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole. He may be as dumb as a sack of tar balls but he certainly knows how to get over a nasty breakup. Just do what got you in trouble in the first place.

Cole’s ex-wife, Cheryl filed for divorce after repeated incidents of cheating by the star. That wasn’t going to keep him down. If he can’t have Cheryl, he’ll take the next best thing. A stripper who looks like Cheryl. Check and mate, woman.

“[Sarah Purnell] hasn’t got a bad word to say about him and has defended him when people have tried to have a go about Cheryl or the end of his marriage.

…Ashley has not done anything sleazy at all and has been extremely charming with her. He seems to really care for Sarah.

“He even told her she looks the spitting image of Cheryl but she’s getting used to that.”

Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Have fun with that and stay classy, Cashley. Every woman wants to hear that she looks exactly like an ex.

Adidas Strikes Back

Most people, even those who don’t follow sports religiously like we do, have seen the Nike “Write The Future” ad starring Nike’s impressive roster of soccer stars. Adidas came back with their version of the cantina scene from Star Wars. It may not have as many big soccer names as Nike’s ad but they make up for it with a strong lineup of musical heavyweights. See how many you can pick out, my nizzles.

Buffoona Buffoona Has Room For Benni McCarthy

Ashley Cole’s woman problems certainly haven’t hurt his form or place on the England squad in South Africa. Too bad the same can’t be said for West Ham and former South Africa striker Benni McCarthy.

McCarthy was cut from the South African national team (also known as Bafana Bafana) because he was overweight and physically out of shape. However, that wasn’t the only problem. It turns out he was also “entertaining girls” during training camp. Manager Carlos Parreira found out and bounced him and keeper Rowan Fernandez from the squad. The upside is McCarthy will now have plenty of time to entertain the ladies and have them stuff his face with bunny chow.** Winner winner bunny dinner.

**Bunny chow isn’t made from bunnies although we suspect that P.W. Botha and F.W. de Klerk demanded baby rabbits in their chow.

Let’s Take Another Opportunity To Laugh At Dimitar Berbatov

A friend living in London once described Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium as that sexy French hooker on the corner. You walk by her every day and ignore her but eventually you have to try her. She went to a match and now she’s an Arsenal supporter.

Champions League soccer could be described in the same manner except you’re pretty much guaranteed to get burned unless you’re a supporter of the team that wins the Big Cup. All others get a trip to the free clinic but they keep coming back every year hoping that they’ll emerge free from infection like Prince Akeem’s bride to be. No such luck. I, like many other Chelsea supporters, am going through the stages of grief after Chelsea’s ejection by Inter Milan. Our first offering this week could be considered acceptance.

Ay! That’s A Good Football!

It can be frustrating to watch soccer due to terrible announcers like Tommy Smyth. Biased commentators also infuriate viewers. College basketball fans rant about Dick Vitale dropping to his knees for Duke every year however they don’t have to deal with blatant bias like this.

Crystal Palace ‘Til The Casket Drop?

Manchester United and Liverpool supporters think they have it bad with American ownership? Wait until they get a load of Crystal Palace and P Diddy. That’s right. It’s all about the Benjamins or Queens in their case as the club currently lies in administration.

The Sun reports that Diddy/Puffy/Puff Daddy/Sean Combs/Whatever is interested in buying the cash-strapped club which is fighting off relegation. He also looked at Portsmouth who are also in administration but still in the Premier League.

Diddy’s UK spokesman (or a Sun source) said:

“Diddy was in London meeting football fixers a couple of weeks ago. The finance is in place, he’s just deciding who he thinks he’ll make a bid for.

“Portsmouth were mentioned but he thought Palace were a better idea.

“He could cover their debt and bankroll a return to the Premier League. He liked the name as well.”

Diddy liked the name. Aw he’s just like those women who fill out NCAA tournament brackets based on what team colors they like best. Palace could use the money and name recognition he would bring internationally. However they’re probably more concerned with avoiding relegation at this point.

Think about the possibilities. Farnsworth Bentley could work for Diddy again. He could buy Sean Wright-Phillips and turn him into the new Ma$e. Imagine SWP rockin’ the shiny suit while his dad Ian, a former Palace player, throws pound notes in the crowd and pours Ciroc on the honeys. “Do S got the ladies? Yeah yeah! Do Puff drive Mercedes? Yeah yeah! Take hits from the 80s? But do it sound so crazy? Yeah yeah!”

Palace should be careful. Having big money doesn’t mean success or recovery. Just ask any artist who signed for Bad Boy. Diddy sucks them dry, doesn’t promote them then bounces when they aren’t selling any more. Just ask 112, Total, BBD, Craig Mack, The Lox, Black Rob or any other artist/group you can remember. Thought I told you that we won’t stop only applies to Diddy. It’s the new royal “we”. 50 Cent would probably be a better bet.

Now Goldenballs Has More Time For Things Like These

Poor David Beckham. His international career is finished. Well his international playing career. Rumor has it that he wants to accompany England to South Africa and cheer them on during the World Cup. Hopefully manager Fabio Capello agrees only if he wears a mascot costume. They already have a mascot so what’s the point unless he wants to Jay Leno the current guy out of his job?

Beckham should focus his energies on playing for the Galaxy next month cause it’s the MLS. He could also film more commercials like this one for Adidas which also features DJ Neil Armstong, Snoop Dogg, Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown among others.

Until next week.

RIP Alex Chilton.