One of my fondest memories of my youth was getting beat up by upperclassmen going to Tribe games with my “uncle” and then hitchhiking home from Cleveland Municipal stadium and then Jacobs field after he was arrested for public intox. The other is watching the 1990′s Cleveland Indians do their best impression of a beer-league softball team.

As the Indians playoffs hopes begin to recede faster then my hairline a glimmer of white, translucent, and gingery hope has appeared. That’s right; Aryan nation wet dream slugger Jim Thome was designated for assignment and scooped up by the Cleveland Indians, who are in the middle of a funk; dropping 6 of seven into a momentum halting sweep by the Detroit Tigers.

Pass me an ecto-cooler juicebox, ESPN:

Thome spent 12 seasons with Cleveland from 1991-2002, hitting a team-record 334 homers and helping the Indians get to two World Series. He hit 52 in his final season before signing as a free agent with Philadelphia, a decision that angered many Indians fans who will have to welcome him back.

“He’s excited,” Indians general manager Chris Antonetti said. “He’s fired up to come back and join the team. I am hopeful and confident that fans will embrace him wearing an Indians uniform again. He’s not only an exceptional player but a person as well. Even if he wasn’t a person that hit 600 home runs, he’s just a great person.”

Thome also played for the Chicago White Sox, and Minnesota Twins. But the Cleveland Indians are like the still-bitter-ex who knows that she banged the two guys with their driver’s licenses on your block but you are still kinda into her because she lets you choke her.

Whoah, that got weird, people.

Anyway, let’s revisit the 1995 Cleveland Indians starting lineup, when Thome was just a beanstalk playing third base:

30 Games
C. Pena
1B. Sorrento
2B. Baerga
3B. Thome
SS. Vizquel
LF. Belle
CF. Lofton
RF. Ramirez
P. Pitcher
DH. Murray

That’s right, Manny Ramirez batted seventh in that lineup!

Well now, a piece of my happy place is coming back to me; like when I kidnapped the waitress at FRIDAY’s (acquitted, well, hung jury).

Devotees of this site may be shocked to learn that I am indeed a product of the midwest, specifically Cleveland…in Ohio. (wipes nose on flannel shirt, runs fingers through greasy mullet).

During the 1990′s, little pleased me more then begging strangers outside of gas stations to touch me traveling down to Jacobs field (it will NEVER be Progressive Field) and watching the likes of Kenny Lofton, Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Charles Nagy, and Sandy Alomar Jr. Although those Indians never won the World Series, it was still the best the team had been in a long, long time and they remain beloved by my dissolving, rust belt region. Then a figurative (have you seen the weather in Cleveland!?) dark cloud known as Larry Dolan descended over Jacobs field, leading to the present days of nickel-and-diming so blatant that it could make Barbara Ehrenreich march down Euclid Avenue.

Nothing pained me more then passing this kidney stone seeing two-former Indians pitchers face eachother in the world series in 2009. When Victor Martinez got dealt to Boston my heart sank (later determined to be the first signs that I have an arrhythmia).

Way to reopen the wounds, Indians management:

GOODYEAR, Ariz. — Justine Siegal became the first woman to pitch batting practice in a major league spring training camp when she threw to the Cleveland Indians on Monday.

Not only did she pass the test with flying colors, some people became a little envious along the way.

“She made me look bad,” said manager Manny Acta, who also throws batting practice to Cleveland’s hitters.

(vomits into trash can in disgust)

Dear god. Save some room behind that tea cup for me to hide Grady Sizemore!

Siegal has already broken gender barriers in baseball, having coached at the professional and college levels. She wore a patch honoring Christina Taylor Green, the nine-year-old granddaughter of former major league manager Dallas Green, who was killed in last month’s shootings in Tucson. Christina Taylor Green was the only girl on her local Little League baseball team.

“I haven’t spoken to anyone in the family,” Siegal said. “I asked the league organizers if it would be OK if I wore her patch, and they said please do.”

(face turns red, immediately feels terrible)

Well I didn’t read that far before I started posting this, okay!? This website is like Fox News Channel, we shoot from the hip and then dig in and refuse to admit any wrongdoing! In fact, the next headline on this site is going to be “Seventy-five percent of terrorists plan to support Barack Obama in 2012.”

Sure, umpire Jim “DONT CALL ME JAMES” Joyce blew this call which would have completed major league baseball’s 21st perfect game ever and third one this season.  He called this a base hit.  Ooops his bad. Tigers still won the game, Armando Galarraga doesnt get his perfect game, but in his mind he’ll always know he had it.  He was robbed and he knew it but you know what, there’s no crying in baseball.

If MLB didn’t reverse Jeffery Maier’s catch over Tony Tarasco, giving the Yankees a home run and allowing them to beat the Orioles in that game, eventually becoming the momentum changing moment in the Yankees world series run…then you know what Tigers fans?  You can suck it.  You won the game anyway.  Quit your bellyaching.  We all know there’s no crying in baseball.  You take your 1 hitter and a win and go home.

Speaking of tears, Jim Joyce was absolutely heartbroken after the game.  He sounded completely distraught in his post game interview.  So much so that you could almost hear the violins playing in the background, quietly, beneath his voice.

Image from Keith Olbermann’s blog…where he appears to be crying.  THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL KEITH!