O.J. Simpson Shouldn’t Ask Skinheads Where The White Women At

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011 at 1:43 pm  
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Remember the time when you could kill two people and get away with it? O.J. Simpson probably wonders what happened to the good old days. People celebrated like they won something. Hell, we threw a “The Juice is Loose” party. (Mostly because we wanted a reason to throw a party and drink an absurd number of screwdrivers.) Now he can’t even talk about getting laid without having his ass handed to him.

The National Enquirer is reporting that a white supremacist jumped OJ in the prison yard and beat him to “a bloody pulp”. Apparently he was bragging that he banged more white women than Bryant Gumbel and Quincy Jones combined. Bad move, Nordberg.

Unknown to the former NFL star, The Juice has been a marked man behind bars ever since white supremacists overheard him brag about his sexual conquests of beautiful white women.

“Unfortunately for O.J., a group of young skinhead punks were within earshot – and they were enraged,” Simpson’s former business partner Bruce Fromong told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive blockbuster interview.

Inmates cheered as a muscular young skinhead knocked him to the ground, punching and kicking him to a bloody pulp and inflicting injuries so severe he secretly spent nearly three weeks in the infirmary before he recovered.

The humiliating beating left 63-year-old Simpson in agony – and threw him into a spiral of depression so deep that he’s now afraid to venture out of his cell, divulge sources.

You know you’re the most popular guy on the yard when everyone gets behind a skinhead beating up a black guy. Too bad Al Cowlings wasn’t there to take the beating for him. “Nooo! Hit me instead!”

OJ should have taken a cue from Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson.

Now that’s as smooth as a warm jug of Carlo Rossi. Even skinheads can get with that. Well maybe not Julio but definitely Willie. Can’t we all just get along, guy with the swastika carved in your forehead?

Miami of Ohio Coach Kicks a Little Knowledge to the Kids

Thursday, January 13th, 2011 at 5:54 pm  
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MMA expert TF keeps writing, so we keep posting.  This time he tackles the coaching at his alma mater.

Pre-game speeches are nothing new to football games. For years, NFL viewers were subjected to countless tired pre-game sideline shots of a murderous Ray Lewis or a milquetoast Drew “Hair Club for Men” Brees attempting to fire up their teammates. However, thanks to the innovation of voyeuristic network execs, we now have more access to athletes than ever before — including inside the locker room where we can sometimes treat ourselves to the cathartic and spontaneous ramblings of eloquent legends like Ron Mexico Mike Vick.

“Hot route! Hot route!”

Anyway, not to take anything away from their effort, but for some reason ESPN continues to televise Mid-American Conference football games and employing Jesse Palmer. After a disastrous 2009 where they finished with a 1-11 record, Miami of Ohio bounced back in 2010 to finish 10-4, becoming the first team in conference history to go from double-digit losses to double-digit wins. The only person associated with Miami who was disappointed is perhaps the school’s former coach, Michael Haywood, who took the Pitt coaching job just this past December, right before the team won its 10th game.  Haywood is also likely just now learning about the Chris Rock school of avoiding domestic violence charges. Instead, Interim Coach Lance Guidry was charged with giving an, oh, I don’t know, let’s say “interesting” speech (as well as a short history lesson) to his team before they went out and beat powerhouse Middle Tennessee State 35-21.

It’s not exactly “Varsity Blues,” but it’s not bad, either. No wonder Miami of Ohio is often fondly referred to as “the Harvard of the Midwest” full of smart, and classy, teachers and students. (Adjusts ascot, opens The New Yorker, lights pipe, strikes Thai escort with a sock full of nickels).