Do you know those flashback scenes from Terminator when Kyle Reese fades out and you see the sky is pitch black and there is rubble and bodies everywhere? That’s what Cleveland’s downtown looks like in 2011. The city is bleeding population, and jobs, and the most famous athlete since Jim Brown bolted for better weather, and to play with his butt buddies, Dwayne Wade, and Chris “Me Too” Bosh.
In January, evildoer Lebron James tweeted out the now-infamous “karma is a bitch” tweet. Lebron denied he was talking about his former team, who were catching a beating from the Lakers that eventually shook out to 112-57, but Lebron is a goddamn liar so nobody believed him. Sunday, the Bulls handed the Miami Heat a 21-point beating that should have been filed in a police report as an assault. Tuesday night, Dan Gilbert delivered the first good news on the CAVS front in some time. Don’t call karma names, Lebron!
The Cavs will select first for the first time since 2003, when they drafted James out of high school.
He left for Miami last summer and the Cavs tumbled to the second-worst record in the league, but they will have two top-four picks next month as they try to back owner Dan Gilbert’s boast that they would win a title before James. They already had their own pick and acquired another at the trade deadline from the Clippers in the deal for Baron Davis.
It is also worth noting that Cleveland Browns players Joshua Cribbs, and Joe Haden were there, along with Bernie Kosar. Cribbs and Haden were rooting for the CAVS, Kosar was going to ask for a loan from Dan Gilbert.
Luther Campbell, better known as Uncle Luke, may have slowed down since his 2 Live Crew days but he still runs Miami. He still knows where and how to roll. He was a major booster of the University of Miami football program at its height. Their players had more pull than any other athletes in south Florida. Dolphins players had to beg Hurricanes to get them into clubs otherwise they had to wait on line with the common folk.
Campbell now wants to impart some wisdom to LeBron James and Chris Bosh as they move to Miami. He wrote up a list of rules which should go up on their fridges. If they’re smart, they’ll listen to him and stay out of trouble. Here are a few examples:
Do not drive your own car when you go to South Beach. Just because you got keys to the city doesn’t mean the police are not waiting for you to get drunk and behind the wheel to lock your ass up. Part of Miami Beach’s publicity campaign is to put superstar athletes and celebrities in jail. And get yourself a white driver if you go through Overtown unless you want the police to shoot you for DWB (driving while black).
Do not buy a house in Dwyane Wade’s neighborhood because thieves will jack your car’s rims. And avoid Star Island at all costs. Some wild, rich sex orgies be going up in there. You don’t want to get caught up in a scandal. Shaq bought a house on Star Island, and he ended up in a messy divorce. Find a nice place in Broward, like Southwest Ranches, where Udonis Haslem lives.
Do not go to the strip club without me. I’ll be able to tell you which girls are the true exotic dancers and which ones are the skanky hoes. I took D-Wade to the strip club when he first got here. I schooled him so he never got jammed up with any strippers. And when going to venues like LIV and the 400 Club, be on the lookout for gold diggers masquerading as models. Those places are a gold diggers playground.
This is knowledge for life. No way LeBron and Bosh would get this information from Will Smith. He’d just try to convert them to Scientology or give them some useless dating advice from Hitch.
Some of you might not know how Luke got down at his height. Watch out for gold diggers and enjoy. NSFW language.