That’s the best conclusion I can come with after seeing this picture.

Gervinho’s a proper Gooner, you fuckin’ muppet! (or something like that cause I don’t do North London accents)

Seriously don’t. Chelsea players may kick ball boys and Liverpool supporters may steal but Arsenal fans grow up to be psycho killers (Norman Bates). How do I know this? TV tells me so and who am I to argue with television? Follow me now.

Indoctrination starts when the babes are mere pups. The children are snatched almost directly from the womb and sent to Norway where they’re raised in prison nurseries similar to Chinese gymnastic gulags.

Staff at a nursery in Norway have dedicated themselves to teaching their children to become Arsenal fans, with kids decked head to toe in Gunners memorabilia and learning the words to songs sung by the Emirates faithful.

The Arsenal theme – chosen by the Gunners-supporting owners – which some football fans may joke surely amounts to child abuse, seems to be a hit with the kids.

But maybe some of the children are a bit too cunning to be brainwashed, with one rebellious youngster identifying a picture of Arsene Wenger as ‘Obama’.

If there’s one thing Wenger isn’t about, it’s hope and change. He couldn’t change his philosophy if he had a gun to his head and an offer of a coat with a new zipper. A big win like yesterday’s 5-1 result over West Ham will raise expectations only to have them crushed when the players forget how to shoot and defend.

How cute you say? The nursery describes itself as a “culture pre-school”. Branch Davidian kids started out the same way. Look how they ended up. ‘Murica bless the ATF.

It starts there then the children grow up and start attending matches at Emirates Stadium. It’s as quiet as a library inside but outside they puff up and start trouble with former players. Easy now. When Chamakh cooks beef, the smoke’ll never clear.

Boys turn to men and as they get older the disappointment of an empty trophy cabinet gets to be too much to justify paying for season tickets. However they can’t leave the Arsenal. Football is a lifetime obligation. You can’t quit it. Watching your team suffer crushing defeat after crushing draw weighs on the soul after what seems like a lifetime but there’s no outlet. No crew to dissipate the frustration and bitterness. Welp, time to turn to killin’.

I just discovered a show called Elementary where people reenact real life crimes. I know 60 Minutes is on CBS so every show on there must be a documentary or news magazine program. Why else would so many old people watch that network?

Vinny Jones appeared on an episode of Elementary and showed what happens when the pain of Gooner failure becomes too much to bear. He turned to slayin’ bitches like Pol Pot.

During the show, Moran, played by Jones, kills some of his victims whilst watching Arsenal and also rejects the advances of a prostitute because he wants to watch “The Arsenal.”

Maybe he should have watched the Arsenal in a bathtub so he’d be able to watch them and get it up for the hooker. It seems to work in Cialis commercials.

Here he is explaining why he done up a Scum supporter.

You don’t want your children to end up like Vinny Jones? Then look alive and pay attention. If you see something, say something and don’t let your children support the Arsenal. The more you know.

H/T to 101 Great Goals for the Elementary videos

You can’t keep a good ho down especially on her birthday. What does a ho eat on her special day? Hoecakes of course! Jenny “Juici” Thompson, known only for servicing Wayne Rooney for money, celebrated her birthday with a cake commemorating their hotel rendezvous with her friend Helen Wood.

The cake came complete with champagne bottles and cash. Thompson, sorry Juici, loved the cake especially the marzipan Shrek head.

A party attendee said,

“It’s a shame there were no footballers at the party – that would have been the icing on the cake. But Jen had a great night. She looked amazing in a low-cut dress and had dyed her hair red for the occasion.”

Silly customer. He or she should know the footballers only come at the end of the night when hoes are involved. Why would they show up until it’s time for some action? There’s no reason to be around her when she’s off the clock.

Chelsea’s Didier Drogba was not about to be outdone by Shrek. His birthday/ho cake also came with some ladies on it. Since he keeps it classy, it was presented to him by three topless models. Dom Perignon, Cristal and Grey Goose flowed down an ice luge and kept everyone properly lubricated. The models ended up at Ashley Cole’s table so you know lubrication was the word of the night. Just don’t ask him to spell it.

The Sun also reports that Everton’s Jack Rodwell (strong porn name) is attemting to woo Juici by texting her naked pictures of himself. Dude, you’re doing it wrong. She’s a prostitute. Then again maybe he’s old school and wants to court her before he leaves the money on the cabinet after asking her to dress up like a schoolgirl and wear a wig like Fellaini’s. That gets him ready to roast.

** You gotta love our dated references. Since we referenced it, here’s your morning musical interlude.

Natural Born Killers by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube

The 3.5 long-time readers of the Deuce or people who are familiar with me know that I’ve followed Chelsea for years. Believe you me when I tell you I’m pissed at the way transfers have worked out since last summer. Chelsea owner “Uncle” Roman Abramovich better start splashing the cash on proper players and stop trying to half ass it this month. Then again maybe I and other Chelsea fans should cut him some slack. Transfers haven’t been his thing lately. Here come three recent examples. Wrote a post about it. Like to read it? Here it go.

1. Chelsea, through Abramovich’s wallet, have had pretty good luck getting Africans into the UK. Didier Drogba and Michael Essien among others. Recently it seems like he’s getting cocky after slipping John Obi Mikel and Salomon Kalou’s useless ass into the country. Now he’s just trying to import Africans en masse. Too bad he didn’t count on the British High Commission.

Our favorite oligarch attempted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in 1998. He failed miserably due to altitude issues. The lesson was never try.** He was helped down by local porters who were hired to help him climb the mountain. He promised to fly them to London for a Chelsea match as a way to show his gratitude. Unfortunately the British government didn’t trust that they would return to Tanzania after the match. They ended up getting an all-expense paid trip to Moscow for a match instead. It probably came with a skinhead and police beatdown.

Good on Roman for offering to fly them to London but we’re sure he just wanted them around to carry him from Stamford Bridge to his home(s) or wherever else he needs to go. Everyone can see the toll it’s taking on Drogba, Essien, Mikel and Kalou. They need to focus on getting Chelsea back into the top 4 and they can’t do that when they’re on call 24/7. For the love of Gbagbo*, Drogba has malaria!

2. Abramovich is also making bad transfer decisions outside his business life as well. He threw a New Year’s Eve party at his $90 million St. Bart’s estate. One would hope that a man of his means would have discriminating taste like that rich Russian guy on the DirecTV commercials with the mini-giraffe. He doesn’t (beyond his soccer team and girlfriend).

Read the rest of this entry

It’s been a minute since we’ve thrown a soccer roundup at you so let’s get to it. Get your proper soccer news and analysis elsewhere. Here come the dirt and gossip.

Nobody Circles The Whores Like Ashley Cole

You have to hand it to Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole. He may be as dumb as a sack of tar balls but he certainly knows how to get over a nasty breakup. Just do what got you in trouble in the first place.

Cole’s ex-wife, Cheryl filed for divorce after repeated incidents of cheating by the star. That wasn’t going to keep him down. If he can’t have Cheryl, he’ll take the next best thing. A stripper who looks like Cheryl. Check and mate, woman.

“[Sarah Purnell] hasn’t got a bad word to say about him and has defended him when people have tried to have a go about Cheryl or the end of his marriage.

…Ashley has not done anything sleazy at all and has been extremely charming with her. He seems to really care for Sarah.

“He even told her she looks the spitting image of Cheryl but she’s getting used to that.”

Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Have fun with that and stay classy, Cashley. Every woman wants to hear that she looks exactly like an ex.

Adidas Strikes Back

Most people, even those who don’t follow sports religiously like we do, have seen the Nike “Write The Future” ad starring Nike’s impressive roster of soccer stars. Adidas came back with their version of the cantina scene from Star Wars. It may not have as many big soccer names as Nike’s ad but they make up for it with a strong lineup of musical heavyweights. See how many you can pick out, my nizzles.

Buffoona Buffoona Has Room For Benni McCarthy

Ashley Cole’s woman problems certainly haven’t hurt his form or place on the England squad in South Africa. Too bad the same can’t be said for West Ham and former South Africa striker Benni McCarthy.

McCarthy was cut from the South African national team (also known as Bafana Bafana) because he was overweight and physically out of shape. However, that wasn’t the only problem. It turns out he was also “entertaining girls” during training camp. Manager Carlos Parreira found out and bounced him and keeper Rowan Fernandez from the squad. The upside is McCarthy will now have plenty of time to entertain the ladies and have them stuff his face with bunny chow.** Winner winner bunny dinner.

**Bunny chow isn’t made from bunnies although we suspect that P.W. Botha and F.W. de Klerk demanded baby rabbits in their chow.

Let’s Take Another Opportunity To Laugh At Dimitar Berbatov