See what I did there? All day.

Brazil may go Great White when it comes to fires up in the club but they’re prepared when it comes to stadium seating.

The 2014 World Cup is around the corner and Brazil is rushing to get ready for the hordes of fans that will descend on the Rainbow Nation next summer. They’re tearing down favelas, banishing homeless people from city centers, converting sex motels into tourist traps and installing oversized stadium seating for the expected English invasion.

Double-sized seats are being installed at several stadiums for overweight World Cup fans. They’ll be able to accomodate people weighing up to 560 pounds. They’ll have to pay double the normal seat price but at least they’ll be able to avoid confrontations with ushers. This means Kevin Smith won’t have to rant after getting tossed from the stadium for not sitting down. Eat all the pão de queijo you want and hit up the comida por quilo 20 times, my friend. Brazil’s got your back and ass.

Restaurant recommendation: If you live in New York and want to start stuffing yourself now before heading down to Brazil, check out Miss Favela on S. 5th St. in Williamsburg for some great food and music. If you’re not careful, you may end up with a bottle of cachaça on the house.

Hazing is a tradition that goes back thousands of years. If you go to the famous Cave of Altamira in Spain, you’ll see depictions of cavemen making others have carnal relations with a triceratops. The act was considered a rite of passage to manhood. Emmitt Smith more aptly describes these initiation customs as the “rice of passages”.

The rice of passages in Brazil are no joke. I remember being made to drink a obscene amount of Brahma beer out of an ox horn while on one knee. That’s what I got for moving into a República which is the Brazilian equivalent of a fraternity. República Penitenciária was serious about their hazing but not like Santos Futebol Clube.

Ze Eduardo brought a cake to practice to celebrate his birthday. Let’s just say that his teammates had other ideas in mind.

Good thing he wasn’t getting married or having a baby. Imagine what they would do to him then.

Let this be a lesson to you people that love bringing up your birthday every other second or declare that you’re celebrating your birthday the whole week. Be careful what you ask for.

You probably thought we were talking about rugby. No, we’re talkin’ prostitution. 2014 is only four years away yet prostitutes in Rio are already thinking and planning ahead in anticipation of the World Cup’s return to Brazil.

Brazil, like South Africa, has plenty of work to do before the World Cup begins in four years. There are stadiums to be built and renovated. Transport infrastructure has to be upgraded and streets have to be cleaned up. One can only assume all favelas will be walled in like Palestine. While most people are happy about the impending modernization, people involved in the pimping game aren’t as pleased.

While most are celebrating the city’s regeneration, Vila Mimosa’s prostitutes and their employers are growing increasingly nervous that the city’s makeover may see them driven out by mooted plans to bulldoze the area and replace it with a platform for a high-speed rail-link between Rio and Brazil’s economic capital Sao Paulo.

“As soon as the rumours started going around people started knocking on my door and saying: ‘How are we going to earn a living if they make us leave’?” said Cleide Nascimento Almeida, the head of Vila Mimosa’s residents association. “The city is going to undergo big changes for the World Cup and the Olympics. [But] the red-light district cannot be moved outside of the city centre no matter how shameful the government might think this place is,” she added. “The city centre is where the people come to work and when they are not at work it’s where they come to have fun.”

Shutting down the area to rebuild will simply drive the business to other locations around the city. Brothel owners will obviously mourn the loss of income but maybe the women employed or used by the pimps will be able to find another vocation.

“Men will go anywhere [for sex],” said the 21-year-old prostitute, who works under the name Julia and dreams of leaving the Vila to open a fish shop on the beach

Well…they’ll more likely pick up where they leave off in a new location. No way we’re touching the fish shop quote.

"But I already pay you for no card!"

Does this look like a man you can trust? If so, I have $20 million to give you. Just provide your banking account details and I will make you very rich. Confidentiality is a must.

Brazilian Carlos Simon has been assigned to referee the US-England match next Saturday on the opening weekend of the World Cup. No big deal except for the fact that he was suspended for six weeks last season for incompetence and corruption.

Carlos Eugenio Simon was suspended by his national federation for ‘a repetition of mistakes’ but far more serious accusations were levelled at him after he disallowed a perfectly good goal for Palmeiras against Fluminense.

Luiz Gonzaga Belluzzo, the president of Palmeiras, branded Simon a ‘crook, scoundrel and a bastard’, adding that he was ‘without shame’ and ‘in the drawer of someone’. He also said he had ‘made a service’ for Fluminense and said he would ‘slap him’ if he ‘met him on the street’.

…Another time, Simon failed to give a penalty for Brasiliense, a Division Two team, in the Copa do Brasil final against Corinthians in 2002. Even the Corinthians players said it was a penalty.

FIFA was aware of these and other incidents but still assigned Simon to work the World Cup. They must be taking a page from UEFA’s playbook.

Simon is definitely a referee to be watched during the tournament. Byron Moreno would like to know why everyone’s getting worked up about this.