It’s been a minute since we’ve thrown a soccer roundup at you so let’s get to it. Get your proper soccer news and analysis elsewhere. Here come the dirt and gossip.

Nobody Circles The Whores Like Ashley Cole

You have to hand it to Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole. He may be as dumb as a sack of tar balls but he certainly knows how to get over a nasty breakup. Just do what got you in trouble in the first place.

Cole’s ex-wife, Cheryl filed for divorce after repeated incidents of cheating by the star. That wasn’t going to keep him down. If he can’t have Cheryl, he’ll take the next best thing. A stripper who looks like Cheryl. Check and mate, woman.

“[Sarah Purnell] hasn’t got a bad word to say about him and has defended him when people have tried to have a go about Cheryl or the end of his marriage.

…Ashley has not done anything sleazy at all and has been extremely charming with her. He seems to really care for Sarah.

“He even told her she looks the spitting image of Cheryl but she’s getting used to that.”

Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Have fun with that and stay classy, Cashley. Every woman wants to hear that she looks exactly like an ex.

Adidas Strikes Back

Most people, even those who don’t follow sports religiously like we do, have seen the Nike “Write The Future” ad starring Nike’s impressive roster of soccer stars. Adidas came back with their version of the cantina scene from Star Wars. It may not have as many big soccer names as Nike’s ad but they make up for it with a strong lineup of musical heavyweights. See how many you can pick out, my nizzles.

Buffoona Buffoona Has Room For Benni McCarthy

Ashley Cole’s woman problems certainly haven’t hurt his form or place on the England squad in South Africa. Too bad the same can’t be said for West Ham and former South Africa striker Benni McCarthy.

McCarthy was cut from the South African national team (also known as Bafana Bafana) because he was overweight and physically out of shape. However, that wasn’t the only problem. It turns out he was also “entertaining girls” during training camp. Manager Carlos Parreira found out and bounced him and keeper Rowan Fernandez from the squad. The upside is McCarthy will now have plenty of time to entertain the ladies and have them stuff his face with bunny chow.** Winner winner bunny dinner.

**Bunny chow isn’t made from bunnies although we suspect that P.W. Botha and F.W. de Klerk demanded baby rabbits in their chow.

Let’s Take Another Opportunity To Laugh At Dimitar Berbatov

You hate freedom if you didn’t take this weekend and salute William Taft. Shame on you. Speaking of people with no shame, we have news of more sexual stupidity from Chelsea players, someone getting beat down by some 6’2″ karma and a mascot taking a voodoo style beating.

Cashley Takes The Wrong Lesson From Greg Oden

Ashley Cole may be the best left defender in England. Unfortunately his playing skills bear no relation to his intellect. He’s in trouble again after texting pictures of himself in various stages of clothing to another woman who isn’t his wife. He was recently busted for the same thing but explained it away as a joke saying a friend sent the pictures. It’ll be hard to use the same excuse now that another woman has stepped forward with naked pictures and multiple texts from him on her phone.

The unidentified woman received pictures similar to the ones received by the first woman in addition to over 300 text messages begging her not to share the texts with anyone else. Stay classy, Cashley. Let’s see if he has as much luck getting Cheryl back as John Terry did getting his Toni back. It’ll be hard for him to say that she’s not justified in Bridging her gap at this point.

Karma Is A 6 foot 4 inch bitch for Craig Bellamy

Manchester City striker claims to be a misunderstood individual. He may have invested over £450,000 of his own money into a soccer academy in Sierra Leone and pledged a further £850,000 but he still seems to find trouble. He’s fought with managers, fellow players and fans. Trouble finally found him outside a Cheshire nightclub.

Bellamy had his ass handed to him by a 6’4″ Manchester United supporter following a night on the town.

A Man United fan battered the Man City striker splitting his head open and sending him flying. The 6ft 2in attacker – built like a rugby player – continued pounding 5ft 9in Bellamy as he lay sprawled on the ground.

… An onlooker said: “The guy hit Bellamy five or six times. He [pummeled] him in the face.”

Bellamy declined to press charges but it’s unclear what started the beatdown. He was out with teammate Wayne Bridge but it isn’t alleged that he was involved in the fight.

Maybe Bellamy was jumped by a supporter of a rival club or maybe he started talking shit and paid the price. Does it matter? If he wants to be seen as a changed man and start being recognized for his good deeds, he needs to start avoiding situations like these on and off the pitch. That means not hitting subdued fans, taking gold clubs to teammate’s heads or threatening to fake injuries or leave a club when he doesn’t get his way.

John Terry Avoiding The Wrong Sexual Organs

John Terry may be in Dubai salvaging his marriage again but he still doesn’t have his priorities straight. He can’t say no to the vagina but he has no problem saying no to cancer awareness.

The mascot pictured above is a “campaigner for male cancer awareness”. Apparently all male cancers can be symbolized by a walking pair of balls named Mr. Testicles. Yes, that’s his name. Everton attempted to have Terry pose with Mr. Testicles as a show of solidarity before their match with Chelsea. He declined. One might be able to let him slide considering recent events in his life.

Ain’t that a kick in the dick? It’s easy to feel sorry for Mr. Testicles as it must be difficult to get people to pose with him even though he represents a good cause. A declined photo op still has to be better than getting nailed in the “face” with a soccer ball.

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Does Mr. Testicles feel phantom pain like the Crimson Twins every time someone catches it in the balls? These are the questions that consume the Deuce.