In an event that would mimic many of this author’s previous sexual encounters, both in brevity, and disappointment, we gathered around our idiot boxes Saturday night to witness the next step in the castration of UFC. We were treated to the Fox Sports theme so commonly associated with the NFL; to Brock Lesnar in a suit that he probably hasn’t worn since he graduated from the University of Minnesota as an all-American wrestler. We were treated to people pretending to understand UFC. FOX was kind enough to display the rules just before the fight. We were treated to Curt Menefee pretending to give a damn about the UFC. We were treated to Dana White’s tired schtick about how every fight he promotes is so spectacular. We were treated to a shot of Alistair Overeem ringside, in a suit, and no preliminary fights but about 35 minutes of introduction to Junior Dos Santos, and Cain Velasquez. Finally, we were also treated to a fight that lasted only 64 seconds when Dos Santos caught Velasquez with an overhand right to the back of the head and finished him off in ground-and-pound. That’s not terrible; fight fans know that it can-and-does happen in the fight game; but why did we have to have all these ribbons and bows for this?
Rape whistle inventor’s inspiration and Bobby Lupo avenger Steven Seagal was instrumental in the victories of Andersen Silva over Vitor Belfort at UFC 126, and Lyoto Machida’s victory over Randy Couture. Although Jon “Bones” Jones had the opportunity to learn the ways of the eskimo woman sensi, he chose to decline, which lead to him winning the fight anyway. Now we are learning that Steven Seagal may be taking his character from the Grindhouse crapfest Machete a little too seriously.
Courtesy of TMZ:
Mexicans looking to sneak into the United States have a brand new obstacle … a gun-toting Steven Seagal … who has just become an official border sheriff in Texas.
Seagal was sworn in as a sheriff’s deputy in Hudspeth County, Texas this weekend … and according to a sheriff’s dept. spokesman, he’ll be working full-time to help secure the border Texas shares with Mexico.
Shockingly, the rep insists Seagal’s work with the department has nothing to do with his A&E reality show, “Steven Seagal: Lawman.”
One of the sheriffs told Chron.com, “It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity … He’s like the rest of us that live down here, he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help.”
On a side note, Seagal looks like he’s ready to stroll the desert, at extremely high temperatures, and to, if necessary, give pursuit to these
hopeful, hard-working, harm lessful Americans terrorists. Not only that but he probably won’t sweat, either.
Brazilian import and Middleweight champion
for the rest of his UFC career Anderson Silva was knocked by the die hards in the aftermath of UFC 126 because of the leak that Aikido bullshit artist Steven Seagal had been training him. Sure, he’d won 13 UFC fights in a row, but if we all trained with Seagal then we might have as well. “It’s almost cheating!” they cried. Fortunately, Silva was given another chance to prove he can win in the UFC.
Make that 14 UFC W’s in a row. Silva whooped dat trick on Yushin Okami by second-round TKO this past Saturday while residents of New Jersey grabbed two of every animal and built arcs out of plywood.
Courtesy of ESPN:
The win not only allowed Silva to defend his 185-pound belt for a UFC-best ninth time in a row, but he avenged a disqualification loss to Okami in January 2006.
Yeah, okay, Silva lost that fight because the rules of the fight were introduced to him like five seconds before the fight. He kicked Okami in the head while he was pulling guard; not exactly a decisive victory.
Silva is officially the greatest import to the U.S. since Camilla Alves before Mateo fired his previously-believed-to-be-defective-stoner man juice into her. President Obama visited Brazil in March to tout the unique economic partnership that the U.S. enjoys with Brazil. Coincidence? Yes, probably. Like how I banged your mom and then you were born (high fives frat bros, flashes penis to stewardesses).