It’s been a minute since we’ve thrown a soccer roundup at you so let’s get to it. Get your proper soccer news and analysis elsewhere. Here come the dirt and gossip.

Nobody Circles The Whores Like Ashley Cole

You have to hand it to Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole. He may be as dumb as a sack of tar balls but he certainly knows how to get over a nasty breakup. Just do what got you in trouble in the first place.

Cole’s ex-wife, Cheryl filed for divorce after repeated incidents of cheating by the star. That wasn’t going to keep him down. If he can’t have Cheryl, he’ll take the next best thing. A stripper who looks like Cheryl. Check and mate, woman.

“[Sarah Purnell] hasn’t got a bad word to say about him and has defended him when people have tried to have a go about Cheryl or the end of his marriage.

…Ashley has not done anything sleazy at all and has been extremely charming with her. He seems to really care for Sarah.

“He even told her she looks the spitting image of Cheryl but she’s getting used to that.”

Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Have fun with that and stay classy, Cashley. Every woman wants to hear that she looks exactly like an ex.

Adidas Strikes Back

Most people, even those who don’t follow sports religiously like we do, have seen the Nike “Write The Future” ad starring Nike’s impressive roster of soccer stars. Adidas came back with their version of the cantina scene from Star Wars. It may not have as many big soccer names as Nike’s ad but they make up for it with a strong lineup of musical heavyweights. See how many you can pick out, my nizzles.

Buffoona Buffoona Has Room For Benni McCarthy

Ashley Cole’s woman problems certainly haven’t hurt his form or place on the England squad in South Africa. Too bad the same can’t be said for West Ham and former South Africa striker Benni McCarthy.

McCarthy was cut from the South African national team (also known as Bafana Bafana) because he was overweight and physically out of shape. However, that wasn’t the only problem. It turns out he was also “entertaining girls” during training camp. Manager Carlos Parreira found out and bounced him and keeper Rowan Fernandez from the squad. The upside is McCarthy will now have plenty of time to entertain the ladies and have them stuff his face with bunny chow.** Winner winner bunny dinner.

**Bunny chow isn’t made from bunnies although we suspect that P.W. Botha and F.W. de Klerk demanded baby rabbits in their chow.

Let’s Take Another Opportunity To Laugh At Dimitar Berbatov

A friend living in London once described Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium as that sexy French hooker on the corner. You walk by her every day and ignore her but eventually you have to try her. She went to a match and now she’s an Arsenal supporter.

Champions League soccer could be described in the same manner except you’re pretty much guaranteed to get burned unless you’re a supporter of the team that wins the Big Cup. All others get a trip to the free clinic but they keep coming back every year hoping that they’ll emerge free from infection like Prince Akeem’s bride to be. No such luck. I, like many other Chelsea supporters, am going through the stages of grief after Chelsea’s ejection by Inter Milan. Our first offering this week could be considered acceptance.

Ay! That’s A Good Football!

It can be frustrating to watch soccer due to terrible announcers like Tommy Smyth. Biased commentators also infuriate viewers. College basketball fans rant about Dick Vitale dropping to his knees for Duke every year however they don’t have to deal with blatant bias like this.

Crystal Palace ‘Til The Casket Drop?

Manchester United and Liverpool supporters think they have it bad with American ownership? Wait until they get a load of Crystal Palace and P Diddy. That’s right. It’s all about the Benjamins or Queens in their case as the club currently lies in administration.

The Sun reports that Diddy/Puffy/Puff Daddy/Sean Combs/Whatever is interested in buying the cash-strapped club which is fighting off relegation. He also looked at Portsmouth who are also in administration but still in the Premier League.

Diddy’s UK spokesman (or a Sun source) said:

“Diddy was in London meeting football fixers a couple of weeks ago. The finance is in place, he’s just deciding who he thinks he’ll make a bid for.

“Portsmouth were mentioned but he thought Palace were a better idea.

“He could cover their debt and bankroll a return to the Premier League. He liked the name as well.”

Diddy liked the name. Aw he’s just like those women who fill out NCAA tournament brackets based on what team colors they like best. Palace could use the money and name recognition he would bring internationally. However they’re probably more concerned with avoiding relegation at this point.

Think about the possibilities. Farnsworth Bentley could work for Diddy again. He could buy Sean Wright-Phillips and turn him into the new Ma$e. Imagine SWP rockin’ the shiny suit while his dad Ian, a former Palace player, throws pound notes in the crowd and pours Ciroc on the honeys. “Do S got the ladies? Yeah yeah! Do Puff drive Mercedes? Yeah yeah! Take hits from the 80s? But do it sound so crazy? Yeah yeah!”

Palace should be careful. Having big money doesn’t mean success or recovery. Just ask any artist who signed for Bad Boy. Diddy sucks them dry, doesn’t promote them then bounces when they aren’t selling any more. Just ask 112, Total, BBD, Craig Mack, The Lox, Black Rob or any other artist/group you can remember. Thought I told you that we won’t stop only applies to Diddy. It’s the new royal “we”. 50 Cent would probably be a better bet.

Now Goldenballs Has More Time For Things Like These

Poor David Beckham. His international career is finished. Well his international playing career. Rumor has it that he wants to accompany England to South Africa and cheer them on during the World Cup. Hopefully manager Fabio Capello agrees only if he wears a mascot costume. They already have a mascot so what’s the point unless he wants to Jay Leno the current guy out of his job?

Beckham should focus his energies on playing for the Galaxy next month cause it’s the MLS. He could also film more commercials like this one for Adidas which also features DJ Neil Armstong, Snoop Dogg, Noel Gallagher and Ian Brown among others.

Until next week.

RIP Alex Chilton.