You know David Price wouldn’t be as salty if he had to buy a breast pump for Eva Longoria. “Shit, I’ll just handle that myself.” Alas he’s stuck with the bill for Evan instead of Eva.

Evan Longoria and his girlfriend had their first child and as we all know that means it’s time for friends and family to rush to the baby registry before all the cheap gifts are claimed. Price was slow on the uptake and ended up stuck with the breast pump, the most expensive gift on the registry.

“A breast pump,” Price said. “Hey, Evan told me to buy a breast pump. So I bought a breast pump.”

He managed to work up some bemused indignation over the whole thing.

“Most expensive thing on the registry and I have to buy it.”

Price made the mistake of checking to see what the couple needed instead of buying something he thought they could use or the kid could use when she gets a bit older like a onesie from the team shop. I’m like school on a Saturday. No class.

Of course $300 means nothing to a player who’s earning $10.1 million this season but as Big Worm says “It’s principalities in this“.

Speaking of baby showers, what’s up with men being invited to baby showers the past couple years? Has that always been a thing? I’ve found myself at several wondering what I was doing there along with the other men. We’ve been lucky so far in that they’ve been held at bars so we would congregate at the bar while the women did their thing. I once found myself suckered into some game where I had to wear a trash bag and eat pudding because I had no idea what went on at baby showers. It could also be that I didn’t get suckered. I’m just that stupid and unaware. I wake up with cold sweats in the middle of the night thinking about that day.

I’m not mad at being invited to baby showers. Just wondering when that started happening. There’s also the phenomenon of the engagement party. I’m cool with them if I’m not required to give a gift and the couple just wants to celebrate making things official. However I’ve been invited to others where gifts were “encouraged”. Fuck that. You get one gift. Pick whether you want it for your engagement or wedding. If you’re holding a destination wedding where I have to cross international waters, expect your gift to be on the cheaper end. The exception? The wedding takes place on a boat in international waters and knife fighting monkeys are the post-wedding entertainment. Huzzah. I’ll make it rain on your registry. Short of that, just be aware.

I already have three weddings this year. I swear I’ll get someone an air freshener if they decide to go with the Dodge Dart registry. Yes. Dodge has a car registry where people can log on and buy the lucky couple parts of a Dodge Dart. Chimp, you’re finally getting your wedding present. It’s Clutch. I mean a clutch.

We could sit here and ask ourselves why Cristiano Ronaldo has a naked picture of himself on his wall but there’s no point. It’s exactly what you’d expect someone like him to have in his house and force you to admire during every visit.

The architect who designed the 28-year-old winker’s palace in Madrid said: “Cristiano had all the clichés you can imagine. “Why would he want a grand piano? I think it’s because of the things some people miss out on as children.

“He must have seen it in one of the rich people’s homes in Miami Vice and thought he should have the same.”

“Mr. Torres, I would like the ultimate in douchebaggery. Spare no expense.”

Ronaldo also has ceiling mirrors throughout his house presumably so he could see himself trying to catch herpes from Paris Hilton or just look at himself when no one else is around to feed him compliments.

Ronaldo’s architect apparently goes by the name Mr. Torres. One can only assume he comes from the Mr. Brainwash school. It’s like the Belichick coaching tree for artists. Banksy must be a proud father.

Freedom isn’t free. It costs a trip to central booking and a team suspension in Boston.

Suffolk University basketball player Dominique Demar was suspended from the team after being arrested and charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon and resisting arrest. The weapon? A door.

Boston police said that about 12:30 a.m. Sunday they received several complaints about a loud party at 28 Fleet St. in the North End.

Officers went to the noisy apartment and knocked on the door, police said.

After about 20 minutes, officers said the door opened. A woman later identified as Demar yelled an obscenity at the officers and then slammed the door shut on an officer’s shoulder, police said.

She then tried to escape from the apartment, saying, “I’m out of here. I’m a proud American,” according to police.

After a brief struggle, officers arrested Demar, police said. She allegedly told officers that she wanted them to know that her mother is an attorney.

Who knew Boston Police hated freedom almost as much as they hate black people? Crispus Attucks is rolling in his grave. Probably because he’s getting beat up by Sully from Southie.

Police should have free reign to go straight Rodney King on any child who drops “My [parent] is a lawyer/attorney”. There should be a charge for that nonsense. Any self-respecting lawyer knows better than to drop that mess when confronted by law enforcement. “Yeah that’s real good, law dog cause law don’t go round here.” Professors should include that nugget in Professional Responsibility class and it should be covered on the MPRE.

How great is it that Demar’s attorney “couldn’t make it to her court appearance”? Guess he and her mother had better things to do than cover for her chickenhead daughter.

Hill-Murray School football coach Mark Mauer was busted in a prostitution sting last week. He’s also the cousin of the Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer. The best part about this story is his excuse after getting arrested.

According to the police report, Mauer arrived at the hotel about 7:30 p.m. and met with a female undercover officer. Mauer verbally agreed to pay the woman $100 for a half-hour of “full service,” the report said.

Mauer then told the woman he left his money in the car and had to go get it, police said. He was arrested when he left the room. When questioned, Mauer reportedly told police he was just “messing around” and didn’t intend to return to the room.

According to the report, Mauer said “he has done this a couple times in the past, where he calls women and then leaves without doing anything.”

Police said he had with him $100 and a bottle of unmarked pills that Mauer said were Viagra, a prescription drug used to treat impotence.

That excuse is almost as good as Andray Blatche’s “She was not dressed like a prostitute” and they were just “playing around”. Mauer’s attempt gets three Baltches. Good effort.

Twistin’ like a flame in a slow dance, baby
You’re driving me crazy
Come on, little honey
Come on now

Oh that’s a flaming galah! Throw your wombats in the air like you just don’t care if you’re ready to see the Findon Skid Kids perform their amazing “jumping through fire” stunt!

Spectators at the Findon Skid Kids on Reserve Parade ended up having to throw blankets over the kids when their lazily named stunt went wrong and sent them to the hospital with burns.

This is how the “stunt” should look when it’s performed properly:

Woo. I fail to see jumping of any kind. Fire is the appropriate penalty handed down from above by the immortal and omnipotent Evel Knievel. Homer Simpson made a better effort on a skateboard. The injuries aren’t life-threatening so it’s fine for us to make fun of these kids who willingly put themselves in harm’s way for our pleasure with the lamest of stunts.

I’m surprised Corey Booker didn’t bust in on the scene, put the fire out then treat the kids himself. First he badmouths Obama on Meet The Press and now this dereliction of duty. Is this the man you want as senator, New Jersey?

Your musical reference: Fire Woman by The Cult