See what I did there? All day.
Aww look at that little guy swing from a helicopter and slide down the side of a building! Hey that little girl singing at the Olympics is so cute! Slow your roll and have a seat. Remember where you were when you found out Santa Claus wasn’t real or Stefan Urquel and Steve Urkel were the same person? This is worse.
Little did we know that Jackie Chan and Lin Miaoke are nothing but puppets of an evil regime hellbent on killing every tasty animal in the world. Miaoke, best known for lip-syncing for another girl who was deemed to ugly to show in public, went on Chinese social media site Weibao to espouse the benefits of state censorship.
We make our home here [at Weibo] and should be protected by Sina. The type of speech that is harmful to people’s physical and mental health should be eradicated. Such speech should not be allowed to exist on the Internet and pollute the air on the Internet. Sina, you can do it.
People were somewhat surprised to hear Miaoke tow the official party line. However endorsement of state censorship is old hat to Chan. It was only last December that Chan said, “There should be regulations on what can and cannot be protested.”
All hell broke loose in 2009 when the action star went even further and stated that Chinese people needed to be controlled.
“I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not,” the 55-year-old action superstar told delegates when pressed by fellow panel members to give his views on China’s rigorous controls on the media and restrictions on film-makers.
“I’m really confused now. If you’re too free, you’re like the way Hong Kong is now. It’s very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic.
“I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled,” he continued. “If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”
The Communist Party approved Chan’s comments while legislators and fans in his native Hong Kong lost their minds. Oh he also isn’t a big fan of the United States either.
Shanghaiist wonders why anyone should care about what a 13 year old says about anything. We probably shouldn’t. At the end of the day, Miaoke is a prop used by the Chinese government to disseminate propaganda. It’s more palatable to hear official views coming from movie stars and “singers” than directly from the source. However it comes at the cost of decreased credibility with fans and apparently declining talent when it comes to making movies if the last couple of Jackie Chan stinkers are anything to go by. Who knows how much, if any, credibility Miaoke has with the public. It’s well known that she didn’t sing live at the Olympics. Needless to say, we have not and will not be following her career or lack of one. We have plenty of child celebrities who are way more interesting here (read: batshit crazy, high and drunk).
It’s a damn shame musicians stopped combining powers to raise money for charitable causes. I’m not talking telethons or some cause de célèbre which is nothing but a cash grab (shout out to Wyclef). I’m talking about singers joining forces and making music in hastily organized mobs to save the world. Remember Do The Muslim Kids Know It’s Christmas? How about We Are The World? Don’t give me that We Are The World 25 For Haiti mess. That’s lazy. Come with the original.
The lack of charity posse cuts stems from the fact that music no longer has selfless heroes. Everyone’s more concerned about making money for self through every available channel. Where are the Harry Belafontes and Bob Geldfofs of today?
We don’t need another hero? Wrong. We need another Dio. You read that right. Dio. How did I just found out about heavy metal’s contribution to the fight against famine called Hear N’ Aid? The word brilliant doesn’t do it justice. Witness the strength of Stars.
Dio. Dokken. Quiet Riot. Judas Priest. Queensrÿche. Y&T. Twisted Sister. W.A.S.P. Iron Maiden. Night Ranger? Whatever. A who’s who of heavy metal.
Stars has something like seven guitar solos. Not one. Not even two. Multiple solos donated to hungry African shorties. Throw some horns up for that.
Friday was the 28th anniversary of We Are The World. Has anyone asked the original USA for Africa participants whether they’d be interested in throwing a fundraiser for Dionne Warwick? Oof. Hear N’ Aid should have opened an IRA for… well, everyone involved. Last one standing gets the pot. Thanks for playing, Ronnie James Dio and Kevin DuBrow. We have some lovely parting gifts on your way home.
New to you heavy metal to start the morning. Now get out there and be somebody.
Note: Allow me to be serious for a moment. AllAfrica and USA for Africa are gearing up to commemorate the 30th anniversary of We Are The World. Harry Belafonte and Yvonne Chaka Chaka released a launch video to get the ball rolling. You can watch it here.
Oh Kegasus we barely knew ye. How will we remember our favorite party centaur? The Kentucky Derby Museum suggests a decanter of delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What’s that? You want me to drink you? I’m in the middle of writing a post.
The museum is releasing a Secretariat themed decanter right before the Kentucky Derby. That’s not the best part. It’ll be filled with Four Roses bourbon as picked by Penny Chenery, Secretariat’s owner. I’m not quite clear on why she owns a dead horse but I mind my own damn business and stay out of people’s personal affairs.
Kegasus would one up the Kentucky Derby by introducing a pony keg sized decanter of himself filled with Natty Boh. Just the sauce one needs before making the annual Preakness Toilet Run.
The commemorative drinking vessel is a brilliant idea that other sports should take up. Forget plastic cups or koozies. The Yankees could release a David Wells-shaped keg. The Argentine Football Association should put out a ceramic Maradona container that can hold your coke, mini-knife, credit cards and cash. The possibilities are endless.
Ramzan Kadyrov is a bloodthirsty autocrat put in place by Vladmir Putin to quash the Chechen insurgency. He kills mothers and children while torturing anyone suspected of being a Muslim militant. This is what many would have you believe. Look at him. Do you doubt Hilary Swank? Could a man who owns a tiger be that evil? That’s almost as ridiculous as calling an Italian a fascist.
Kadyrov finally ran up against an immovable object in the form of the Russian Football Union. The association banned Terek Grozny from playing in their stadium for one match after the Chechen president berated a referee over the PA system during a match.
Kadyrov, who is the club’s president as well as the leader of the troubled Russian republic, reacted angrily to referee Mikhail Vilkov’s dismissal of Terek captain Rizvan Utsiev during Sunday’s 0-0 draw at home to Rubin Kazan.
The local leader took control of the Grozny arena’s public address system to shout: “The referee is corrupt. You jerk!”
Kadyrov followed up by saying the jerk store ran out of Mikhails or something along those lines.
It’s much easier to defy Kadyrov from almost 1000 miles away in Moscow. One can only assume referee Mikhail Vilkov spent no time getting to the airport and leaving the province before being fed to a tiger or hunted by the president and his cronies.
Kadryov later apologized for his actions but excluded the referee. He instead invited him to a getaway at his dacha so they can talk things out over some homemade djepelgesh. Watch Surviving The Game, Mikhail. You don’t want none of what Ramzan got.