Deuce of Davenport reached out to MMA die-hard Turd Ferguson to provide another UFC PPV recap. Yeah, I know it’s late. I was on vacation. So sue me. With my apologies to TF, his expert take is below:
Like any movie will tell you, the Fourth of July holiday is about spending time with your family and celebrating America’s big “F-U” to the British that kick-started this whole crazy nation. Thus, we have a duty to set off illegal fireworks, drink too much, and be detained for operating a jet ski without ownership or a license while intoxicated (Word up, Kenny f’n Powers!)
In a similar vain, I feel like I have an obligation to watch UFC 116. So, I wasn’t about to let a small thing like a court order from D.C. family court prevent me from fleeing the District for the thug mansion of deadbeat dads: South Florida.
I have been with UFC since the early days and when UFC 116 finally rumbled about, I knew I had to be there to hold its hand during the contractions, celebrate its birth, cut the chord, and then brazenly take off after pretending to go down the hall to get a cup of coffee.
UFC 116 was holding some serious cards, specifically the heavyweight showdown between Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin. This fight was huge, as if Poseidon and Zeus fought on Mount Olympus while the other gods took shots of Ouzo, nailed their lonely relatives, and interfered in foreign wars.
Going into this bout, undefeated Shane Carwin, who was 12-0 and never took a fight into the second round, faced Shrek look-alike Brock Lesnar, who when not dying from life-threatening diseases, probably punishes his wife Sable like only a real man can (That’s a sex joke! Not domestic violence!).
Clap slow for me, Mel Gibson, while the women in the room take pictures on their phones for evidence… Before the police come for me, here’s what I was able to recap:
Seth Petruzelli vs. Ricardo Romero
The guy who single handedly destroyed EliteXC, Seth “Kimbo Killer” Petruzelli got put down by Ricardo Romero with an arm bar in the 2nd round.
And somewhere, Kimbo Slice was nursing an appletini in a South Florida establishment in between accompanying Reality Kings talent to a bat mitzvah at $75 an hour.
Brendan Schaub vs. Chris Tuchscherer
Slice’s former co-star for Season 10 of “The Ultimate Fighter,” Brendan Schaub, made his return to UFC to make very quick work of Chris Tuchscherer, basically beating this guy silly until the referee intervened and spared Dana White of having to pay out another wrongful death claim.
Gerald Harris vs. Dave Branch
Since Schaub finished faster than me with a new copy of Hustler, we were quickly on to match #2 on the night. Gerald Harris took on Dave Branch in a fight that doubled as a dance recital in the early going. Things looked pretty even until Harris basically pulled a “Rampage” on Branch, who may now be eating apple sauce for dinner. Harris received praise from commentators for holding a fist after the slam knocked out Branch but then he took his wallet and keys and left the arena through the men’s bathroom window.
Stephen Bonnar vs. Krystof Soszynski
Pirouetting to the next bout, Stephen Bonnar fought Krystof Soszynski in a rematch from an earlier fight I never knew happened but was thoroughly entertained by. Both fighters came out teeing off on each other like groupies in Kanye’s hotel suite, and when the dust settled, “The American Psycho” Bonnar took the W at 2:08 in the second round.
Chris Lytle vs. Matt Brown
Chris Lytle took out his aggression for (likely) being made fun of for having a stupid name on Matt Brown, catching him with a beautiful arm bar at 2:02 in the second round.
As a side note, by this point in the night, I was so drunk that the pizza delivery place around the corner from me had hung up thrice, assuming each time that it was a crank call. My previous attempts to exchange a phony bomb-threat for a large double pepperoni and 2-liter of coke were to no avail… My notes are similarly unhelpful…
Chris Leben vs. Yoshihiro Akiyama
The co-main event for this evening was easily the best bout of the night as Chris “The Crippler” Leben took on Yoshihiro Akiyama in a bout that Leben needed for redemption after some questions arose about his control and focus. Leben also took this fight on short notice after last fighting during the TUF 11 Season Finale a couple weeks ago. Great back and forth for these two fighters with Leben getting woozy on his feet before catching Akiyama with a triangle that ended the fight deep in the third round.
CELBRITY UPDATE: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sat ringside for UFC 116 because he’s trying to keep his job. Reid later challenged Sharron Angle inside the octagon for UFC 117. Angle’s camp has yet to respond. By the way, Lesnar’s not a fan of the healthcare bill, Harry, so best to keep close to the exits…
Brock Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin
The main event to unify the heavyweight championships saw two behemoths duking it out like a pair of besmirched mothers on a Saturday afternoon in a Toledo Chuck E. Cheese’s (raise your hand if you’ve been in one of those corners before). Give Carwin credit for rocking Lesnar immediately and taking him to the limit like we have not seen before. Oh, side note to Carwin: switch pit crews. You looked like a NASCAR driver who ran out of gas after a few laps. As Carwin looked ready for a nap at the beginning of the second round, Lesnar helped him get to sleep by locking on a choke and getting the tap for the victory.
Although Lesnar didn’t indicate whether or not he planned on being intimate with his wife (like at UFC 100) or denounce any major corporate sponsors, he did declare himself “still the toughest SOB around.” I would have to agree. Sorry I said you looked like “Shrek,” sir.