Ex-aerobics instructor and bald Vince McMahon Dana White has been on a subtle mission to ruin Strikeforce since the UFC announced that it was purchasing the U.S. fight promotion earlier this year. While the UFC is indeed the top dog in the U.S., with apologies to Bellator, Strikeforce still represented an alternative to see fights from people who didn’t have to kiss Dana’s ass, or who the UFC demonstrated no patience for in earlier forays. Strikeforce brought us the likes of King Mo, Fedor, Gina Carano, and Alistair Overeem.

First, we saw Jake Shields shift over to the Octagon, then Strikeforce occasional heavyweight champion Alistair Overeem was announced to fight in December against Brock Lesnar (boing!), and now Strikeforce lightweight champion Gilbert Melendez is likely to make the switch.

Pull guard and sink in a guillotine, ESPN:

UFC president Dana White said he wants to have Melendez in his promotion very soon.

“We do want to bring Gilbert Melendez over [to UFC] and we’re looking at it right now,” White said Saturday night. “We’re going to bring him over ASAP.”

It was believed that Melendez (19-2) would defend his Strikeforce title in December against Jorge Masvidal. But White further emphasized his desire to have Melendez’s next fight be in UFC.

“We’re looking to bring him over right now,” White said.

White refused to guarantee a title shot for Melendez in his first UFC bout, but he would not rule it out.

“It’s a possibility.” White said. “The thing is, that division is stacked.

“And usually timing has a lot to do with it.”

The article goes on to note that, in total, four Strikeforce champions have vacated, including Dan Henderson, and welterweight Nick Diaz, and they are all in UFC now. Meanwhile, Paul Daley sits by the phone pretending to play bridge, and Keith Jardine is probably underneath a bridge right now sharing a can of turpentine with Boxcar Joe after they boxed for a sandwich. Where is my source for this information, your mom, that’s who!! (points to crotch).

Rape whistle inventor’s inspiration and Bobby Lupo avenger Steven Seagal was instrumental in the victories of Andersen Silva over Vitor Belfort at UFC 126, and Lyoto Machida’s victory over Randy Couture. Although Jon “Bones” Jones had the opportunity to learn the ways of the eskimo woman sensi, he chose to decline, which lead to him winning the fight anyway. Now we are learning that Steven Seagal may be taking his character from the Grindhouse crapfest Machete a little too seriously.

Courtesy of TMZ:

Mexicans looking to sneak into the United States have a brand new obstacle … a gun-toting Steven Seagal … who has just become an official border sheriff in Texas.

Seagal was sworn in as a sheriff’s deputy in Hudspeth County, Texas this weekend … and according to a sheriff’s dept. spokesman, he’ll be working full-time to help secure the border Texas shares with Mexico.

Shockingly, the rep insists Seagal’s work with the department has nothing to do with his A&E reality show, “Steven Seagal: Lawman.”

One of the sheriffs told Chron.com, “It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity … He’s like the rest of us that live down here, he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help.”

On a side note, Seagal looks like he’s ready to stroll the desert, at extremely high temperatures, and to, if necessary, give pursuit to these hopeful, hard-working, harmlessful Americans terrorists. Not only that but he probably won’t sweat, either.

Lyoto Machida is going to get a shot at Jon Bones Jones at UFC 140, blue balling the deliciousness of the grudge match between Rashad Evans and Lyoto Machida that is a terrific excuse to get a keg, invite your friends over, and reconfigure the descrambler on your television.

It sucks, but when Mr. Clean calls it on Twitter we all fall into line, unless you are Lyoto Machida and a rematch with Rashad Evans at UFC 133 is pending after Phil Davis was injured. Then, you just ask for “Anderson Silva money.” They’re both Brazilian, right? Then, how much can that really be!? (reads Economist, learns of Brazil’s growing global economic competitiveness).

To be fair, both fighters are training with Steven Seagal; the same man who made Richie Madano pay for shooting Bobby Lupo.

It doesn’t hurt matters that Dana White has no problem dismissing the UFC ranking system; we now get to see Lyoto Machida take on Jones instead of the grudge match with Evans. To be completely fair though, Evans is not 100 percent yet from his fight with Ortiz.

Taste the sad ESPN:

In 19 professional fights, only Jackson and Rua have beaten Machida. It was Rua who handed Machida his first professional loss and ended his brief reign as UFC light heavyweight champion on May 8, 2010.

During his most recent appearance inside the cage, Machida (17-2) ended his two-fight skid with a first-round knockout of Randy Couture at UFC 129. That bout was held April 30 in Toronto.

“Stylistically, he matches up well with Jones,” Machida’s manager, Ed Soares, told ESPN.com. “The guys Jones has been fighting stand in front of him.

“The way Machida moves around the Octagon makes him a different type of fighter. Lyoto has the tools and the experience and the techniques to be able to beat Jon Jones.”

Jones has an 84.5″ wingspan, he could stand outside the octagon and still stick Machida.

Elderly eskimo-woman and weight watchers fugitive Steven Seagal is an MMA god. Seagal has worked with super-fighter and middleweight champion Anderson Silva, as well as former light heavyweight champion Lyoto Machida in his comeback win over the now-retired Randy Couture. With the exception of most Subway $5 footlongs, anything this guy touches becomes bigger and stronger.

This is in spite of the fact that Seagal’s martial arts discipline is Aikido, a defensive martial art, that over time has blended with some judo, that works best against smaller opponents and requires little physical strength to execute. It’s mostly redirecting an attacker’s energy and not a really aggressive discipline. That is why every Seagal movie shows him snapping people’s arms or throwing them into glass windows. Like there were thousands of glass windows aboard that submarine in Under Siege!

As we mentioned earlier, Seagal’s been volunteering to do laundry and buy green M&M’s for mentor MMA fighters, including UFC-living-legend Anderson Silva. Silva credited Seagal with a bizarre front kick that he used to finish Vitor Belfort at UFC 126. It turns out that Seagal asked Jon Bones Jones’ camp if he could address the champ before his fight with Rampage Jackson, no dice, according to Jones.

But Seagal still showed up as a spectator for UFC 135 and even gave an interview afterwards. The whole interview is pretty lame but perhaps worth a listen. Seagal takes the contrarian view that Jones didn’t look his best, despite the overwhelming interpretation otherwise, and that this was best he has ever seen Rampage look. Fair enough, I didn’t see the fight, but I do know that Rampage has never been known as a ring technician, he’s basically a boxer with some wrestling/slams, and Jones’ lines up well against that type of fight base.

Seagal also disagrees with Rogan’s take that this is the best that Jones has looked but at least Rogan’s been at all the fights, and even spars with many of the fighters. What would Rogan know anyway, though. Has he ever killed Screwface, and his twin brother? I don’t think so.

This video is worth a second look, like parody porn.

Although I was very much looking forward to UFC 135 I have to confess I didn’t get to see it. You see, my expense account with the Deuce is under investigation and WHAT AM I MADE OF MONEY??? Okay sorry to fly off the handle like that, but I get cranky when I don’t see my fights.

Well, it looks like this Jon “Bones” Jones character, who talks like Phil Jackson and fights like Anderson Silva, may actually be pretty good. Rampage Jackson literally lived in the gym for two months for this fight but went out in the first submission loss of his career, a rear naked choke that only sounds dirty but is actually quite lethal.

Next up for Jones is likely a fight with former friend and mentor Rashad Evans, who was technically the number 1 contender after beating Rampage last year.

Courtesy of FOXSPORTS.com:

It didn’t take Jones long to end that notion. Jones opened up a cut above Jackson’s right eye with an elbow in the third round and it was pretty much all over from there.

With his win, Jones may just be bringing stability back to the division. The belt has switched hands a number of times since Jackson last won the crown in 2007.

Down the road, Jones will face Rashad Evans, who was taking in the fight from the seats.

Evans knows Jones quite well — and there’s no love lost between them.

He was friends and training partners with Jones before a falling out led to some bitter feelings.

The low-key Jones beat Mauricio “Shogun” Rua last March to become the youngest title holder in UFC history. But he was facing probably the hardest puncher around in Jackson.