When life hands you lemons…you can add them to your Allagash White and plop in two straws, one for your best buddy and de facto publicist Peter King, right Tiki?

Still, at least he gets to go to bed with this. Multiple news sources are also reporting that Barber intends to marry his mistress. Somebody explain the definition of insanity to the now-broke former NFL star, please.

Despite the steroids rumors, Overeem was a big score for the UFC; he was a legit heavyweight and the division needed them. Overeem was immediately awarded a fight against former heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar, beating him in the first round DESPITE the fact that he technically skipped town before his drug screening for THAT FIGHT, and got a conditional license from Nevada for the fight. Despite all the red flags though, Overeem delivered and he was rewarded with a title shot against Junior Dos Santos for UFC 146.

Dash my hopes and dreams, FOX SPORTS:

Overeem, along with all other main-card fighters, was tested at a press conference in Las Vegas to promote the UFC 146 pay-per-view event, at which Overeem was scheduled to take on UFC heavyweight champion Junior dos Santos. “The Demolition Man’s” sample came back showing an elevated level of testosterone, a result that indicates the illegal use of testosterone as a performance enhancing substance.

There’s still a chance that the “B” sample of Overeem’s urine will come back negative, but don’t hold your breath, this fight is probably not going to happen. Be ready to watch Frank Mir take on Dos Santos, which could be okay except Mir is inconsistent.

At the risk of going Florio on everybody here, it’s absolute bullshit that Overeem was able to put the UFC in this position in the first place. The UFC pushed Brock Lesnar to the moon when he first arrived in UFC, he was given a heavyweight title shot after just three fights, and now he’s back in WWE, so why didn’t White learn anything from that experience? Why was a rematch against Velasquez for Dos Santos so out of the question?

Alright, let’s get to it. Much like Tuesday’s NL preview, teams are described below in predicted order of finish (* denotes Wild Card winners).

AL EAST

Despite a hiccup in 2009, the New York Yankees have spent the last decade damaging teams in the regular season with such regularity that it lulls analysts into picking them to win the World Series each time they’ve entered the playoffs (save for 2008). What’s everyone missing? The Yankees will always score runs, especially against a team’s lesser starters. What they do have trouble with is beating aces, which explains their propensity to wither against the likes of Justin Verlander, David Price, etc. This and their own erratic starting pitching has been their chief post-season problem since 2001. While the addition of Michael Pineda and Andy Pettitte to the 2012 team should help wrap up another AL East title, their aging bats and inconsistent rotation are still built for July, not October.

Baseball economists are positively giddy over the sustained emergence of the Tampa Bay Rays*as one of baseball’s stalwart organizations. With a shrewd front office and a world-class manager, the Rays continue to defy odds and churn out playoff-worthy performances. This year should be no different: David Price leads a starting rotation that has an abundance of talent. The only thing holding this squad back is an inconsistent bullpen. If their late-inning relief conundrum is solved and Desmond Jennings and BJ Upton both hit, this division will belong to Tampa once again.

The evolution of a front runner is hilarious. Over the weekend I ran into a Boston Red Sox fan who insisted the team’s main problem last year was Tito Francona. Now that taskmaster Bobby Valentine is at the helm, he foresees greatness. I, on the other hand, immediately recalled the end of Joe Torre’s tumultuous turn with the Yankees. When the team lacked talent, it was Joe’s fault. Same story here: the Red Sox didn’t choke last year because of chicken or beer. They were decimated by injuries. The core of this team is still rock solid and so is the top of the rotation. There isn’t a lot of depth beyond that, which is what makes me think they fall short again this year.

Is it just me or does it seem like the Toronto Blue Jays are always on the cusp of taking on the big boys of the AL East? This year is no different as a well-rounded Jays team looks to finally crack the strangle-hold among the New York-Boston-Tampa triumvirate. While I believe there are good things ahead for Toronto, their 2012 rotation has been a disappointment thus far. It’s going to be difficult winning 90+ games with Ricky Romero, Brendan Morrow, and a bunch of question marks.

We all know about the Baltimore Orioles. Instead of slamming the team once again, I’ll focus on the 20^th anniversary of their stadium. Regardless of sport, it is the best stadium built in the last 50 years. I’m profoundly fortunate to have spent the better part of my life attending games there. I’m also profoundly unfortunate in that the Baltimore Orioles have been the home team for all of them. Manny Machado and Al Dylan Bundy can’t be ready fast enough.

AL CENTRAL

Really, it’s the Detroit Tigers and then everyone else. The addition of Prince Fielder makes the Detroit lineup straight-nasty. Despite the physical appearance of Fielder and Miguel Cabrera, the Tigers don’t have many soft spots in either their lineup or starting rotation. Detroit’s biggest competition this year won’t come from the rest of the division, but rather the team’s post-game buffet spread. Somebody could lose a hand if they get too close…

Ughh, this is where the rest of the group gets ugly. When trying to rank crappy teams, I usually go with talent over experience – which is why I think the Kansas City Royals will land in second place. The Royals’ embarrassment of prospect riches is starting to pay off as Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas hope to become infield cornerstones (Hosmer’s practically there). Late bloomer Alex Gordon is finally living up to his potential as the former #2 overall pick. As expected, the pitching prospects (Mike Montgomery, John Lamb, et al.) are developing a bit slower, so Royals fans will have to once again wait until next year.

The Chicago White Sox should be fun to follow if only because of new manager Robin Ventura, especially when they play Texas (see right). Everyone is down on the White Sox this year, but I still see a solid amount of offensive firepower and decent starting

Don't mess with Texas in 2012.

pitching. Jake Peavy isn’t going to revert back to what he was in San Diego, but if he’s healthy, he’s a great mid-rotation starter. The bullpen’s a mess, but if Adam Dunn and Gordon Beckham can manage to be better than awful, the Sox will score enough runs to outslug a few opponents.

In an effort to will Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau back to health, I’m dropping the Minnesota Twins here. If those two can hit, I think the Twins can scare a few teams with solid defense, an underrated outfield, and a respectable rotation. If not, the Twins will sink like the Titanic.

I didn’t believe in the Cleveland Indians when they made their run last year and I don’t believe in them this year, either. Ubaldo Jimenez is a mess, both physically and mentally. Derek Lowe’s best days are behind him, and as much as I like Shelley Duncan, I can’t see him starting in left field for any team hoping to win more than 75 games.

AL WEST

Hey, anything interesting happen in this division over the summer?

The Texas Rangers return to 2012 stacked: their lineup top to bottom rivals Detroit and New York’s as the best in the AL. Their starting pitching continues to evolve with the maturation of Derek Holland and arrival of newcomer Yu Darvish. The Ranger bullpen is deep and experienced: I love the addition of Joe Nathan, enabling the Rangers to move Neftali Feliz’s electric arm to the starting rotation. They may absolutely be the MLB-equivalent of the early 1990’s Buffalo Bills; and that’s a major compliment.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim* are in a position similar to the team that won the 2002 World Series: they play in a two-team division featuring an established power looking to make amends for a disappointing exit the prior season (see the 2001-2002 Oakland A’s). What this year’s Angels team does not have, however, is the element of surprise. In an effort to win now and pay later, owner Arte Moreno opened up the vault to bring in future Hall of Famer Albert Pujols and Texas ace CJ Wilson. While the addition of Wilson bolsters an already-dominant starting rotation, Pujols will be required to lead an offense that struggled in 2011. If Kendrys Morales is healthy and Baseball America wet dream Mike Trout pushes for PT, this team could be headed to the World Series.

There’s some intriguing talent on Seattle’s roster but that won’t be enough to compete with this division’s behemoths. This is a make or break year for Justin Smoak, who persevered last year despite a number of tough setbacks. Jesus Montero and Dustin Ackley should lead the M’s in offensive statistics for years to come, but beyond that, there isn’t much else for pitchers to fear. At this point, Ichiro’s skills are more of a legend than a reality. Felix Hernandez is still a badass, but the rest of the rotation is not.

I hate the fact that a visionary character like Oakland’s Billy Beane is left in an economic wasteland. There are pieces of his cultivated talent all over the big leagues winning games for richer teams. Sadly, until Oakland’s stadium situation is resolved, the A’s will be in a perpetual state of re-build.

Playoff Predictions:

AL Wildcard: Rays over Angels

ALDS: Rangers over Yankees, Angels over Tigers

ALCS: Rangers over Angels

NL Wildcard: Phillies over Diamondbacks

NLDS: Marlins over Giants, Phillies over Cardinals

NLCS: Marlins over Phillies

World Series: Rangers over Marlins

This promises to be one hell of a summer. I can’t wait…

Still, its very impressive and certainly nothing that Tony Hawk or Shaun White has accomplished on a skateboard. Its been about 13 years since that day in 1999 when Tony Hawk hit the 900 and now that trick has finally been surpassed. Young Tom Schaar just might have a bright future ahead.

Anyway, last year was pretty great: the last day of the regular season was incredible. The playoffs followed suit as David Freese and the St. Louis Cardinals sent Albert Pujols and Tony LaRussa out of Missouri in style. The off-season continued to follow suit as the Florida Marlins and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim threw around millions like drunk college kids on loan disbursement day. Can 2012 possibly live up to last year’s hype? I think it can.

Just like the last few years, NL today, AL later in the week.  Teams described in predicted order of finish (* denotes Wild Card winners). Holy crap, it’s baseball season.

NL EAST

There are a lot of pundits picking the Miami Marlins of Florida to win this division so naturally, I’m predisposed to find reasons not to like them. Nonetheless, there just aren’t. The team is damn good with or without a healthy and focused Hanley Ramirez. The guess here is he and perpetual headcase Carlos Zambrano will warm up to new manager Ozzie Guillen and actually show up to play. If they do, the Marlins are a very dangerous team. Don’t be surprised if Giancarlo “Don’t Call Me Mike” Stanton finishes in the top three of the MVP voting. Josh Johnson has Cy Young talent and leads a deep rotation. The Marlins’ one weak spot is in the bullpen, but that can be addressed come July 31.

I am hesitant to do this, but I really think the Philadelphia Phillies* could find themselves struggling to lock down a playoff spot this year. With the trio of Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, and Cole Hamels, one can never believe the Phils are out of it, but their lineup is from hunger: Hunter Pence and Jimmy Rollins will have to put up MVP-type numbers until Ryan Howard and Chase Utley finally return. When they do, no one knows exactly how effective they will be. In the immortal words of Steve Spurrier, this team is gonna live by how well they “pitch and catch.” Given the ages of Lee and Halladay, as well as Hamels’ pending free agency, you wonder if this is the last shot for this group.

To me, the Atlanta Braves are one of the saddest stories in baseball. Throughout the 90′s and early 2000′s they dominated the National League but couldn’t win more than one World Series or fill their brand new stadium. After Ted Turner sold the team, the franchise floundered as it cut payroll and lost its own trio of Hall of Fame aces to free agency. While there was some promise for this group in 2010, that was quashed by the departure of Bobby Cox, the rapid decline of Chipper Jones, and the halted development of super prospect Jason Heyward. I like this Braves team, but they don’t have the pitching to keep up with Philadelphia or the offense to match Miami. If Heyward can’t revert to 2010 levels, they’re dunzo.

Everyone but Thomas Boswell knows the Washington Nationals are good, but not great. Unfortunately, they play in a rough division. They have the arms to compete, but their offense will likely sputter. I am guessing Bryce Harper will be patrolling Georgetown in an obnoxious SUV by the first week of June, but not a moment sooner. Sidenote: does anyone ever wonder how well Steve and Harper get along? At some point, will Steve drill Harper in the head with a fastball because of how annoying he is? I’d like to see that feud. Anyway, the Nats will take a nice step forward in 2012, but their sights are on next season.

Ah, here we are: last place in the division. Sandy Alderson has done an admirable job undoing Omar Minaya’s damage, but the New York Mets have a lonnnngggg way to go. Maybe if their owners don’t get sued this year they can actually make some progress. David Wright is a great trade deadline sleeper candidate, especially for a team like the Phillies who could use another bat and have one to move in prospect Dominic Brown. Mets beat writers would probably pitch a fit, but come on, they ain’t contending anytime soon.

NL CENTRAL

Hard to believe the St. Louis Cardinals could lose a Hall of Fame manager and first baseman and still come back as the favorites to win their division, but well, here we are. Cards GM John Mozeliak knew re-signing Albert Pujols might be tough, so when Pujols left St. Louis for Anaheim, Mozeliak moved fast: by bringing in Carlos Beltran on a very team-friendly two-year deal and locking up stud catcher Yadier Molina to a five-year deal, the Cards will stay competitive for at least the next few seasons. Lance Berkman and Matt Holliday lead a solid attack that could prosper given a full year of David Freese and a healthy Allen Craig. Unfortunately, the health of aces Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright will linger over this team for the entire season, which could derail a really great story.

Not to be outdone by St. Louis, the Milwaukee Brewers lost their own All Star first baseman in Prince Fielder. Scrambling, they threw a bunch of money at Aramis Ramirez, tried to teach Mat Gamel to take a pitch, and prayed Ryan Braun’s suspension was lifted. Evidently, the baseball gods like “Affliction” t-shirts, so the Brewers were saved. I like the top of the Brew Crew’s rotation enough to think they’ll outlast most of their competition. Zack Greinke is still the “ace” of this group, but Yovani Gallardo and Shaun Marcum round out a nice top three. Personally, I still think Greinke is capable of a season like the one he had in 2009. Maybe even better.

I’m not sure a healthy Ryan Madson moves the Cincinnati Reds much higher up in this division, but it couldn’t hurt. Shifting Aroldis Chapman back to the bullpen seems like a foolish move, given they spent all spring getting him ready to start, but hey, when you’re playing for this year or bust, I guess you take your chances. Am I the only one who doesn’t love the Joey Votto deal? Even if he remains productive into his 30′s (no given), the Reds are a small market team and would still need to lock-up Jay Bruce and Brandon Phillips. Something tells me this might not work out: teams that dedicate such a large percentage of their payroll to one player tend to live to regret those moves. Yes, even the Yankees (see Rodriguez, Alex).

A career in the military wasn't always Sgt. Slaughter's first choice.

Chicago Cubs fans must want to fast forward to 2015. Part of me would like to see Alfonso Soriano shut-up his detractors and put up another 40-40 season, but that’s not happening. And neither is the fantasy of a Cubs playoff run. I’m not buying the Jeff Smardzija reclamation story, but if he’s really a top-of-the-line starter now, the Cubs could hang around, just probably not for very long. If I were Theo, I’d schedule Eddie Vedder to throw out the first pitch 50 times this season.

Good for the Pittsburgh Pirates for locking up Andrew McCutchen to a very nice extension. Now, if they can just find eight other guys who are as good as him, they might have a chance. Ok, that’s not fair, but the Pirates are still pretty bad. There is talent in the pipeline, it’s just taking its sweet ass time getting there. Hi, Pedro Alvarez!

Last year, I wrote this about the Houston Astros:

Houston is terrible. Seriously terrible. I like their starters better than Pittsburgh’s, but I’m wondering how they’ll ever score any runs. When people talk about “WAR,” the “average player” they are talking about could roll out of bed tomorrow and start for Houston.

Yeah, that about sums it up. Last winter, I had hoped ESPN’s Keith Law would up working for the Astros, but something tells me there’s not enough Shiner Bock in the State of Texas to make that job palatable.

NL WEST

The San Francisco Giants will always contend with Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, and Madison Baumgarner anchoring their rotation. The Giants won’t struggle because of their pitching: their offense is what really holds them back from being a slam dunk NL favorite. San Fran needs another comeback year from Aubrey Huff, a bounce back season from Buster Posey, a breakout campaign from Brandon Belt, and for Pablo Sandoval to back away from the buffet table. If they can pull this off, it could be 2010 all over again.

A few years ago, people were wondering what happened to the promising Arizona Diamondbacks*. After cleaning house and bringing in veteran GM Kevin Towers, the team is out to make 2009-2010 a distant memory and 2011 look like anything but a fluke. Instead of standing pat, Towers went out and traded for Trevor Cahill to help bolster a young, but experienced rotation. Led by Ian Kennedy, this team won’t need to score a lot of runs, but they can: Justin Upton is only getting better. Three of the Arizona infielders have serious power — if they can harness it, look out.

I’m not sick of the Jamie Moyer story just yet. Can he still pitch somewhat effectively at 49 years-old? Yes. Does it concern me he’s Colorado’s current #2 starter? A little bit. Remember the old refrain, “The Rockies have no pitching?” Well, it’s back. Oh, and Tulo: you want to be Jeter?  Just shut up and play. Ubaldo ain’t worth it.

The Dodgers and Padres are similar in that they are both in Southern California, are trying to escape terrible ownership, and are pretty mediocre. The Dodgers have some exciting players in superstars Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw, but there isn’t much else there to get excited about. If Dodger fans can get through this year, sweet relief will follow when Showtime comes to town. Hang tight.

The Padres aren’t as bad as they look: I think Yonder Alonso can hit and Cameron Maybin seems to be on his way to becoming a star-quality player. There are a lot of no-names in the rotation, but with that park they can at least be competitive. Sadly, an uncertain ownership situation will hinder this team until it’s settled. Maybe Larry Bird is interested?

NL playoff predictions to follow with Thursday’s AL preview.

But, on the heels of news that Hulk Hogan and Chyna can both be seen having sex on camera, we can rejoice now in learning that finally, a Hulk Hogan tape is being released in DVD format that we not only want to see, but that we may actually pleasure ourselves watching, too.

(record scratch)

I mean take pleasure in watching!

(laughs nervously, kicks bottle of lotion under desk)

That’s right folks, after years of ignoring my letters threatening suicide, Vince McMahon has taken time out from his busy schedule of forcing John Cena down our throats in order to do the greatest thing he has ever done (Wrestlemania 28 is this weekend).

’80s classic movie No Holds Barred will be coming out on DVD on July 3rd for the first time. Ever.

If you don’t remember the “dookie scene” please take this quick refresher.

Feel better? Okay, I’ll let wikipedia take it from here (SPOILER ALERT):

Hulk Hogan plays Rip, a very popular professional wrestler. Although Rip looks and acts like a brute, he is actually a golden-hearted guy. He has a younger brother, Randy (Mark Pellegrino), whose presence in the audience motivates him enough to win his matches.
Rip appears on a television channel which screens all his matches. Thanks to Rip, the channel is highly popular. However, the evil, money-hungry chairman of a rival channel, Brell (Kurt Fuller), wants to convince Rip to join their network. Rip respectfully declines, though Brell has his gang of thugs attempt to beat Rip into submission during the limo ride home from the meeting.
After visiting the No Count Bar, a rowdy establishment featuring a wrestling ring in the center and patronized by drunken, vicious fighters, Brell is inspired to create a new kind of wrestling program, focusing more on violence and sensationalism than Rip’s more moralistic version of the sport. Brell’s new program, Battle of the Tough Guys, is successful after the introduction of Zeus (Tom Lister, Jr.), a violent, seemingly unfazable ex-con who sports a “Z”-shaped patch of hair on his skull. Zeus killed an opponent in the ring after the fight was over, and has been in prison until recently.
Samantha, a beautiful corporate spy (Joan Severance), is sent by Brell to seduce Rip. However, Rip’s good nature and dedication to charity wins her over, and she confesses the truth to the wrestler and turns to his side. After this fails, Brell attempts to have Samantha raped; as usual, Rip foils the plot and dispatches the would-be rapist into a tree trunk. Meanwhile, Brell and Zeus crash an outdoor charity event Rip is appearing at, demanding that Rip prove his honor by fighting Zeus live on Brell’s new show. Once again, Rip avoids violent conflict and attempts to reason with Brell, who leaves in anger.
Randy and a friend decide to check out Zeus for themselves, attending an illegal fight being held in a warehouse. After watching Zeus defeat the monstrous Lugwrench Perkins (Jeep Swenson), Randy foolishly identifies himself as Rip’s brother to Brell and his associates. Randy attempts to defend himself, but Zeus brutally beats him, sending him to the hospital. Finally, after this ultimate insult, a tearful Rip decides to accept Zeus’ challenge.
Before the match, Brell abducts Rip’s friends and threatens to kill them if Rip doesn’t lose deliberately. With the odds against him, Rip wins the match after Zeus falls from a perch into the wrestling ring, collapsing it. Rip turns his attentions to Brell, who accidentally falls into an electrical panel to his demise. With his friends rescued and his brother recovering in the hospital, Rip celebrates his victory.

I sure as heck didn’t realize that the MLB season started yesterday, did you?  Well it did…for two teams at least. To my surprise, yesterday, when I was clicking around the interwebs, I saw a box score showing that Seattle beat Oakland, 3-1, and now is the only team in baseball with a win because that game was a regular season game. Like a full on regular season win. In March.

What?

Oh, see, Bud Selig, in all his genius,  thought that this year would be the fourth time in history that the Major League Baseball season should open up in Japan. They call the series the “Season Opener” (not exactly the same ring as Opening Day but who am I to complain, huh?) and the first game wasn’t even nationally televised, unless you count MLB’s own cable network MLBN if you happened to be lucky enough to have it and to be able to skip work and tune in at 9am on Wednesday. To be honest, i’m not even sure if they advertised this game anywhere because I sure as heck didn’t see anything for it.

I mean, I am all for spreading the game of baseball around the world and yes, the Mariners are owned by a Japanese company (Nintendo) but c’mon, shouldn’t the first game of the 2012 season have a little bit of fanfare  and especially be in its country of origin? ESPN’s own website still has a countdown to MLB’s Opening Day for crying out loud.  How can we have Opening Day now that the season is already WIDE FRIGGIN OPEN? No other American sport starts its season out this way and I would venture to say there is a BIG reason for that…because it is stupid.

Oh and what else makes little sense about this series? The games are considered home games for Oakland, aka “The team not owned by a Japanese corporation“, aka “The team  no one in the crowd is rooting for because they are not owned by a Japanese corporation and are without a national hero in Ichiro that the entire crowd loves and reveres“,  meaning they lose two home games in Oakland this season.

Yeah that is fair, huh? Couldn’t make this imaginary home series for Oakland an imaginary home and away series for both teams? Just to even things out a little? Just a little?  No, no of course not, that would make WAY too much sense.

Then again, I don’t often expect MLB to make much sense anymore…I mean home field advantage is still tied to a stupid All-Star game.  Ugh.  Now, there is a whole other rant…

Winning a Super Bowl can allow a NFL head coach a little bit of candor in his public statements.  Winning two super bowls allows a coach a ton.

New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin took full advantage of that yesterday when he couldn’t resist taking a jab at the “cross-town” rival New York Jets and their recent player acquisitions (ie: Tebowmania in NYC). Here’s what Coughlin had to say about the Jets recent acquisitions:

“You know who won the Super Bowl, you know who the world champions are,” he said. “Whether we’re on the front page every day or not, it’s not that important. New Yorkers know.”

Ouch, little bit of a burn there or what? The best part about that statement is that it pretty much rings true. The Giants go about their business, generally not making too many crazy headlines (minus Brandon Jacobs i guess) and they just go and win two Super Bowls in five years. The loudest Giants in the media are ex-Giants Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan.

Meanwhile, over in Jets country, you’ve got Rex Ryan flapping his gums every other week, talking about winning Super Bowls like he is a fat and sober Joe Namith, showcasing the entire team on HBO’s Hard Knocks, making free agent signing splashes that, all combined together…gets them essentially nowhere. Nowhere, that is, if you consider your season to be a bust if a Super Bowl ring was not won.

Anyway, it is nice to see Coughlin finally give up a little of the “hard ass” persona in his interviews with the media. Generally this is a guy who can make Bill Belichick look like charming. Maybe he’s finally getting soft in his golden years?

If so, I am loving it.

1. Mind Controlled Skate Boards

This board is called the Board of Imagination and its by Chaotic Moon Labs (remember that name) and it is a skateboard that you literally control with just your thoughts. From a recent CNET article:

The obviously named Board of Imagination integrates a neuroheadset from a company called Emotiv, with a Samsung tablet running Windows 8, which is in turn connected to the skateboard’s motor. The headset translates thought into electrical circuitry that’s routed through the tablet, into the motor, and powers the board. Simply put, you think–it goes.

How sick is that? I hope you clicked through to see the video because i don’t feel like embedding it and robbing them of their hits.

Sure, its true, you can’t run out and buy one now, but when this technology actually comes to mass production can you imagine the new level of laziness it’l create? I mean this is lazier than the Segway and NOTHING is lazier to use than a Segway (ok, well maybe a Rascal). This could create a whole generation of atrophied kids who don’t ever have to physically exert themselves to get anywhere ever again!  Just stand, think, go!

Screw the hoverboard from Back to the Future II, I must have one of these when they come out!

2. Weight-Sensing Electric Skateboards

So, I get it, you don’t want to wait for the Board of Imagination, huh? Well the next best thing looks like it is already here in this weight sensing skateboard called the ZBoard. Instead of thinking, you just lean forward and the board senses your weight shift and then accelerates for you. That is it. No manual power necessary here either, just lean and boom you’re off.  Here’s the pertinent info from the Zboard people themselves:

Leaning on the front foot pad causes the ZBoard to speed up.  Leaning on the back foot pad causes the ZBoard to kick in regenerative braking.  These aren’t just on/off buttons, though.  They are completely variable, meaning the harder you lean forward the faster you go, and the harder you lean back the faster you come to a stop, even on a downhill slope!  You can cruise at a walking pace, or zoom all the way up to a top speed of around 17 miles per hour.

You can already pre-order a ZBoard right now up on Kickstarter if you were so inclined. You can also watch a video of it in action over there as well.

There is no easier way to look like a bad-ass than to skate uphill without ever having any of your feet leave the board like a sucker. That is some gangster mess right there. Women will be swooning, men will be jealous, children will be chasing you down the street cheering your name…

3. Super Strong Paper Skateboards

Yeah, there is a board out there that is made up of paper and resin and is stronger and more flexible than those normal, wooden, boards that you suckers out there are currently using. CHOKE ON THAT!

The EOSkate is made up of discarded, misprinted, books from a design firm, interlaced together in a poured resin body that was in a mold of a typical skateboard body.  The result was a beautiful board that ended up being stronger (because its mostly resin) and more flexible (because, again, its mostly resin) than a normal wood board.

Might be the wave of the future peoples.  Plus it is a damn good looking board.

4. Kinect Controlled Motorized Skateboards

Remember that company, Chaotic Moon Labs, from back up at the #1 spot?  Well they have another board that might blow your mind as well that’s called the Board of Awesomeness. It is a skateboard which was introduced at the Consumer Electronics Show 2012 that is operated by the Microsoft Kinect…yeah that thing you use to play kids games with on the Xbox 360.

Don’t let that Kinect branding fool you however, this is not some kid’s skateboard. It can achieve speeds as high as 32 MILES AN HOUR! I could explain how it works, but it would sound much better coming from the Chaotic Moon peoples:

So how does it work? Video recognition, speech recognition, location data, accelerometer data, and other factors determine what the user wants to do and allow the board to follow the operator’s commands without other aid. Very similar to using Kinect for Xbox 360, the Kinect device on our Board of Awesomeness transmits the user’s gestures and movement to the Samsung Windows 8 tablet that serves as the board’s central brain by controlling the speed of the board’s electric motor, which is up to 32 miles per hour. Yeah, that’s fast.

To get started, the user merely has to raise their hands to signal the Kinect device, look for the red dots to appear on their hands, and they are ready to roll. The only movement needed? Pushing the hands forward to speed up and pulling the hands back to slow down or stop. Amazing, we know.

Excuse me whilst I pick my jaw up off the floor. If you want to see a couple videos of the thing in action, click the link just above and click over here for another.

5. Folding Skateboards

So the one thing that all the above boards have in common is that they are kinda bulky. What if you live in a big city or in a small house and you need a compact board to get around town with? Well, my friend, you need the SNAP Skateboard.

This is the worlds first folding skateboard. See, it folds up so that you can put it away for easy storage in that tiny studio apartment that you are renting in Brooklyn.  ITS THE ULTIMATE HIPSTER SKATEBOARD!  Here’s how they make the magic happen:

The folding deck is constructed from durable aircraft aluminum and joined together by high strength steel, making it even stronger than a regular wooden deck.

Thats right, they have created a more portable board that is also stronger and lighter than a regular wooden deck.

WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN!

BONUS: Single Foot Snowboards

Look, the winter will be back soon and then it’l be too cold outside for you to skateboard. If you’re a boarder, you’re gonna want a new, high technology alternative to skateboarding in the cold. So here’s your chance to try out the Dual Snowboards. Its like a single snowboard…except there are two. Its like Spinal Tap turning that amp up to eleven…only this is snowboards and you the only thing you’ll be cranking up is the air that you’ll be getting when you strap these puppies on your feetsies.

So the point of these boards is freedom.  Freedom from locking both your feet in the constrictive bindings that snowboards currently have.  They give you more muscle control and more muscle control means bigger and better tricks that you can pull off. It might even make the damn sport easier.

These are pretty smart boards and I don’t see any reason why these aren’t going to quickly become the standard for snowboarding. Have you ever been snowboarding? If not, let me inform you…its pretty frigging difficult.

I went once, got a board, listened to some old dude talk about balance and weight shifting to turn and yadda yadda yadda “SHUT UP OLD MAN, I WANNA BOARD!”. Then hopped on the ski lift, got off, strapped my feet firmly onto the board and then just pointed myself downhill and away I went. I realized very quickly, as I was gradually accelerating downhill, that I must have missed the part of the lesson about stopping…because I couldn’t do it. I tried turning, but that just made me turn so i would have to turn back in the other direction to straighten myself out. Doing that only succeeded in me looking like a drunk snowboarders swerving on the course.

No, the only way I figured out that I could stop myself was to fling my body into the air, tuck as I hit the snow and roll until I came to a halt.

So that was my 1 snowboarding experience.  Rapidly accelerating downhill, and very much enjoying that part until I thought I might be getting close to the speed where I don’t want to cause myself injury if i fell, then tossing myself in the air like a sack of potatoes so that I could land and decellerate so that I could do the whole process again.

Needless to say, this was incredibly painful.

One time I was going so fast that when I threw myself in the air and landed to stop…I actually felt my organs inside me shift.  YOU NEVER WANT TO FEEL YOUR ORGANS DO ANYTHING EVER! Well maybe your heart beating and your stomach growling, BUT NOTHING ELSE!!

Its quite an unnerving feeling.

I slowed down after that.

To paraphrase the illustrious Tony Kornheiser, sometimes you stare at a blank computer screen, hoping for inspiration to write something, and lo and behold, God provides:

Just when you thought it was safe to put the final nail in the D-Train’s career, a tightly-run organization like the Baltimore Orioles comes around to offer one last glimmering hope.

In other words: there’s no way this will end happily. Baltimore has long served as the “last call” for celebrated MLB vets looking to rekindle one last moment of big league glory on a sub-.500 team: Joe Carter, Doug Drabek, David Segui, Marty Cordova, Vlad Guerrero, Derrek Lee, Pat Hentgen, Sammy Sosa, Scott Williamson, Steve Trachsel, Jaime Walker, Kevin Millwood, as well as second Oriole acts for Miguel Tejada and Rafael Palmeiro (just to name a few).

For Baltimore, despite their track record, it can’t hurt to take a flier on a guy who is only 30 years old with a 4.17 career ERA. Especially when your team needs just about a complete re-build.

For Dontrelle, it’s a sad epilogue to a once-promising career. Willis was the rare fan favorite who appealed to casual baseball fans as well as its most hardened analysts. Thus, it’s hard to see someone who brought so much excitement to the game fall so hard, so fast. Despite this, he’s packed a hell of a lot into his 30 years and his nine professional seasons. To wit:

• 2003 Rookie of the Year
• 2003 World Series winner
• 2005 Cy Young runner-up with 22 victories and a sub-3.00 ERA
• Two All-Star Game appearances (2003, 2005)

At the end of the day, Dontrelle will probably spend about two months down in AAA, drawing some big crowds and tricking a few young guys with his delivery. Maybe Baltimore’s horrible run of luck with its young starting pitching will continue, enabling him to make a spot start sometime in May or June. I’ll make an effort to go see him because it’s unlikely he’s going to get many more after that (unless he decides to make a comeback with the bat, which he should).

When we are ready to finally bury the D-Train’s career, where ever he may land, I hope somewhere A.J. Burnett shows up and does this: