The debacle at Newcastle United continues to boggle the mind. It’s nothing but a clusterfuck from owner Mike Ashley down to the fans who continue to drive away potential club buyers and managers with their rabid, bloodthirsty rantings about King Kev and their non-existent history. We’ll have an in-depth look at the club from a guest writer who is a football legend in his own right. Before we do that, let’s catch up on the latest haps from the “very big club”.
Ashley, realizing that he’s cruising for a lynching, has been trying to find a buyer for Newcastle. However he insists on selling at over £400million GBP. He had no luck in the Middle East and things were looking rather bleak until the Nigerians showed up. The latest rumored buyer is a Nigerian company called NVA Management.
We used our Abuja sources to track down the introductory communication from NVA to Mike Ashley and the trillions of Newcastle supporters expressing their interest in purchasing the team.
From: Prince Chris Nathaniel
Dear My Most Best Sincerity Friends,
I am fine today and how are you? I hope this letter will find you in the best of health. I am Prince Chris Nathaniel, the Chairman of the “Contract Award Committee”, of the “NVA Management (NVA)”, a subsidiary of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC). NVA Management (NVA) was set up by the late Head of State, General Sani Abacha who died on 18th June 1998, to manage the excess revenue accruing from the sales of Petroleum and its allied products as a domestic increase in the petroleum products to develop the communities in the Niger Delta Oil producing areas. The estimated annual revenue for 1999 was $45 Billion US Dollars Ref. FMF A26 Unit 3B Paragraph “D” of the Auditor General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria Report of Nov. 1999 on estimated revenue.
I am the Chairman of the Contract Award Committee, and my committee is solely responsible for awaiting and paying of contracts on behalf of the Federal Government of Nigeria. My Committee awarded Contracts to foreign contractors for Drilling and Ecological Matters in the oil producing areas of Niger Delta. We are now in expansion to Premiership League football and are in heavy negotiations for the biggest team in all of Tyneside called Newcastle United. We overshot the contract sum by £13,485,000.00. We have paid His Excellency Mike Ashley of Buckinghamshire £400million and withholding the balance of £13,485,000.00. But, because of the existence of some of the domestic laws forbidding civil servants in Nigeria from opening, operating and maintaining foreign accounts, we do not have the expertise to transfer this balance of fund to a foreign account.
However, this balance of £13,485,000.00 has been secured in form of Credit/Payment to a foreign contractor, hence we wish to transfer into every Newcastle supporter bank account as the beneficiary of the fund. We have also arrived at a conclusion that you will be given 20% of the total sum transferred as our foreign partner, while 5% will be reserved for incidental expenses that both parties will incur in the course of actualizing this transaction, and the balance of 75% will be kept for the committee members. This balance will be paying to every Newcastle supporter who helps us complete the transaction.
If you know that you will be capable of helping us actualize this transaction, you should send to me immediately the details of your bank particulars or open a new bank account where we can transfer the money £13,485,000.00, which you will be holding in trust for us until we come to your country for our share. Your nature of business does not matter in this transaction. The required details includes your company’s name, address, your private personal telephone/fax numbers, your full name and address, including your complete bank details where the transferred fund will be routed by the Apex Bank.
Note that this transaction is expected to be actualized within 21 working days from the day the required details are forwarded to the Federal Ministry of Finance who will approve the needed foreign exchange control allocation for the release of this money to your account. Please, treat this as top secret. You should contact me urgently.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Prince Chris Nathaniel
This is by far the best offer Ashley will ever receive. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll give up his details and encourage every true Barcode fan to do the same. Soon they will be delivered from evil and into Highlife heaven by a prince. Imagine Fela Kuti blasting from the speakers of St. James Park while the strike force of Obafemi Martins and Ade Akinbiyi strike fear into the hearts of Gareth Southgate and Gary Megson. That’s straight juju right there.
All praise due to 419eater.com.