Do you remember Russian Heavyweight and former WBA Heavyweight title holder Nicolay Valuev? No? Maybe? Well think hard, you may remember Valuev as the 7’1″ giant that beat John Ruiz for the Heavyweight boxing title back in 2005. He never actually made it big here in the states, but that’s not stopping him from acting like American boxers do while over in his homeland.
Valuev was just ordered by St. Petersburg’s Kalininsky district civil court to pay 130,000 rubles ($5,320) in compensation to a security guard at the Spartak sports complex which for beating the 60 year old guard all upside his head over a dispute with Valuev’s wife’s car. Valuyev also has to pay 100,000 rubles in “moral damages” to the guard, Yury Sergeyev, and 30,000 rubles in fines.
The Beast from the East doesn’t stop there though. He’s gone Hollywood out in the former Eastern Bloc and has wrapped a yet to be released movie entitled “Stone Head” (Kamennaya Bashka) by director Fillipp Yankovsky. The director says he’s a natural and that he showed range in playing an athlete and someone who struggles with being a giant. That had to be a HUGE stretch for Valuev for sure.
So lets see, 7’1″ athletic freak, championship boxing title, assault, battery, making movies…how did this guy not make it in the states? Surely his stunning good looks and lumpy head had nothing to do with it? WWE needs a new Russian villain, they should look this guy up. He’s a freakin natural
Ah we meant to get the Democrats the day after we did the Republicans but a BBQ coma from Hill Country slowed me down like Mark Foley on eHarmony.com. Zing. In the meantime, several candidates on both sides have dropped out which makes part of what we were going to do moot. We’ll do the most of the field from before the Iowa caucus anyway.
So if you remember Wonkette reported that WWE wrestler Kane endorsed Ron Paul for President. That got us wondering who the candidates would get to endorse them from the world of sports. You can find the Republicans here.
Dennis Kucinich – Spud Webb/Mugsey Bogues
There’s a reason Tom Cruise demands small co-stars and elevator shoes. He doesn’t want anyone else to steal the spotlight from him. The same goes for a political endorsement. Dennis Kucinich needs the endorsement of someone with similar stature. Spud Webb and Mugsey Bogues match up rather well. Webb and Bogues were able to overcome their height disadvantages to succeed in the NBA. Kucinich…well he didn’t pull a MLK and overcome in the election but he definitely married out of his league so he’s got that and only that going for him which is nice.
Bill Richardson – Isiah Thomas
Bill Richardson, Isiah Thomas and success go together like peanuts and gum. It’s not clear how they continue to get so many chances when they fuck up as often as they do. No one understands fucking up golden opportunities like Isiah. He destroyed the CBA, failed with a solid Pacers team and made the Knicks an international laughingstock. The UN thinks they’re beyond help and they’re in Lebanon and Kosovo.
Bill’s also a notorious assgrabber. If there’s one thing Isiah’s good at, it’s grab ass. Just ask Anucha.
Talk about two people who most will agree actually have experience that doesn’t include being married to someone with experience. They would probably get much further in life if they knew when to shut the fuck up.
Hillary Clinton – Brenda Warner
Conspiracy theorist? Check. Neurotic? Check. Sense of Entitlement? Check. All Hillary needs is a more butch haircut, a tacky blouse and she’s good to go.
Hillary’s panic attack campaigning over the past weeks reminds one of her conspiracy theory protestations during the Clinton I reign. If Bill played for the Skins, it would be easy to see her call up Sportstalk 980 to bitch out the Sports Reporters for calling out her man.
It’s also rumored that Pokey Chatman is leaning her way but that’s another story.
John Edwards – Scott Boras
Forget the stump speeches about poverty and his daddy working in some sort of mill. John Edwards will say whatever he has to win although he’s an amateur compared to Mitt Romney who would probably sell his wife to an Albanian human trafficker if it meant New Hampshire.
While he was a trial lawyer, he had no hesitation about using his deceased son in a closing argument. He and his wife Elizabeth refer to his “electability. Read: I’m not black or a woman. He also has no time for gays.
Scott Boras will do anything for a buck including lie to his clients. They’re a match made in heaven.
Barack Obama – Howard Cosell’s Ghost/Jim Brown
No one supported a black frontrunner like Howard Cosell. Just ask Muhammad Ali. “Look at that little monkey run! For president!” Then again he might want to keep Cosell’s ghost under wrap. He needs that African-American vote in South Carolina and Rev. Jesse’s already stuck up for Edwards.
Obama needs to go for someone with undeniable street cred. Enter Jim Brown. He played lacrosse and football. He was in the Dirty Dozen and I’m Gonna Git You Sucka. He’s got mass appeal. He even did one of the first interracial love scenes with Raquel Welch in 100 Rifles and got all Shawn Kempish with Michael Jackson’s girlfriend from the Thriller video. Let’s not even forget The Running Man.
Brown is the man that said “Make sure when anyone tackles you he remembers how much it hurts.” Those are words to live and run by.
Stories like this gives us…well me the chance to touch on other subjects outside the world of sports such as politics. If you have any interest in politics or a sadomasochistic streak, Wonkette is a required visit several times a day for a generally humorous look at the assclowns and hacks who run this country.
It’s usually a clusterfuck when the worlds of sports and politics collide. There are exceptions but the loudest ones (see Curt Schilling) are usually the reason why people say athletes and other entertainers should stay out of politics. This is said as though the average person or politician is that much more intelligent. Elections aren’t contests for the most qualified. They’re glorified popularity contests for power-hungry/delusional people who are about stuff, things and whatever you’re for. Enter Kane.
“Over the next year or so, many different people are going to tell you which presidential candidate to vote for. I’m not qualified to do that (and, in reality, neither is anyone else), but I would like to explain why I support and am going to vote for Congressman Ron Paul. [I'm going to tell you who to vote for anyway.]
…If you aren’t concerned about any of these things, you’ll have plenty of choices for President in 2008. If, on the other hand, you would like to see the IRS eliminated and the income tax ended, a return to sound money and the end of inflation, and a President who takes his oath to defend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights seriously, then Dr. Ron Paul is your only choice.
Well this endorsement means nothing when you put it up against Ric “WOOOO!” Flair and Chuck Norris’ endorsement of Mike Huckabee.
Every candidate should have a pro sports endorsement. We’ve gone through the trouble of matching them up with someone from the world of sports so they can spend more time telling you that showing up and being in the same building means more foreign policy experience and that atheists, agnostics and non-Christians are on their own when the homeland is attacked in Iraq. 9/11!
We’ll start off the Republican endorsements today and bring you the Democratic endorsements tomorrow. Mitt Romney – Bobby Petrino/Nick Saban
Mitt gets the two for one here. What better says I’ll tell you whatever you want to hear but don’t trust a word I say because you can bet I’ll change than the endorsements of Atla…Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino and Miam…Alabama head coach Nick Saban?
Ron Paul – Jerry Glanville
Yeah he has Kane but Jerry Glanville works on so many levels. Both are batshit crazy and have no discernible talent. Paul has gotten lucky due to the existence of thousands of idiots who would have thrown their weight behind Nader if he were around yet most can’t tell you what he’s about besides Iraq.
Paultard #1 hangs out with Stormfront, wants to get rid of most federal agencies and thinks we can dump the federal income tax without having a plausible alternative.
Glanville got lucky with Warren Moon, Haywood Jeffries, Drew Hill and Ernest Givens. He left tickets for Elvis during every game he coached and dressed like an off-brand Johnny Cash. He was a disaster as a studio commentator but he did have Pigskin Footbrawl. I assume Ron Paul’s game would team up Kane, Ric Flair and Stromfront as they cruise the country in an RV hunting down black people. Surviving the Game on wheels if you will.
Duncan Hunter – Jerry Tarkanian
All Hunter needs to do is start chewing on a towel. As Trapper John points out, neither have seen a bribe they haven’t liked. Anderson Hunt and the Mafia are to The Tark as Duke Cunningham and Brent Wilkes are to Hunter.
All we need to see is a picture of Hunter hanging out in a hot tub with Duke, Wilkes and a couple defense contractors a few weeks before the contractors get a massive no-bid contract from DoD. You sit here and tell me that UNLV really lost that game against Duke. That was possibly one of the biggest fixes in NCAA history. Well besides the one orchestrated by Dion Lee and Dewey Williams.
Fred Thompson – Marv Levy
Yes they’re very old and very white but they also have the same trait of being absolutely useless in power. Senator Thompson would often be caught sleeping under his table or in the cloakroom while GM Levy was busy doing nothing except digging in his Depends over and over again. He did take the Bills $10 million under the cap but forgot that he had the money or he sent it to Sani Abacha’s son in Nigeria.
Thompson has never done anything except be a yes man during Watergate. It’s not clear if he remembers what he’s running for.
“Senator, where do you stand on immigration reform?” “Why I go in and out of comas all the….French toast please!”
Oh don’t let the poll surge and sweet talk fool you. Oh Huck’s damn charming but he’s a certifiable wack job too. When he’s not quarantining people with AIDS or Pakistanis, he’s taking back the country for Christ. Wait until more stories about his beliefs come out.
There are only a few in sports so detached from reality. Hah? One is former Detroit Lions head coach Wayne Fontes. Nothing fazed him. He met constant defeat, disappointment and the threats of thousands of fans with a smile Corky would have loved. He always had a cheery demeanor and warm smile. Either he was that tough or he was about as aware as a kid who chugged lead paint for 10 years.
Rudi Giuliani – Bill Belicheck
This has nothing to do with going undefeated. It has everything to do with being a prick and being a cheat…The wife thing not Spygate. Then again it doesn’t seem Belicheck would be stupid enough to appoint some equivalent to Bernie Kerik to a coordinator position or recommend him for a position in the league office. You know you done fucked up when they take your name off the jail.
John McCain – Drew Bledsoe
Both know what it’s like to undergo intense mental and physical torture. McCain was held and tortured as a POW by the Vietcong while Bledsoe got wrecked by Mo Lewis and then had to endure the success of Tom Brady and Tony Romo.
With all the MLB, Golf, Tour De France, WWE steroids talk you’d think that eventually we’d just do what Saturday Night Live predicted many many years ago and just have the “All Drug Olympics”. Where are my steroid games??? I wanna see a guy get his arms ripped off like in this classic, hilarious Phil Hartman and Kevin Neelon sketch
How Jose Canseco, the entire rest of the cast of American Gladiators, Jeff George, Ryan Leaf, Mike Tyson, OJ Simpson, Peyton Manning (does he ever miss out on a money making opportunity?), Oliver McCall, Joe Theisman, or any other disgraced, out of work, or money whoring athlete hasn’t jumped all over this is beyond me. Surely they all have the time to make a little extra cash for whatever stardom (or infamy) they have left.
I even know for a fact that these are well worth the money for the unexpected birthday phone call. Trapper John once hooked me up with an unforgettable and nearly unintelligible birthday phone call from Rerun of What’s Happening! fame…that was one of the greatest and most hilarious birthday surprises I have ever had.
Amazingly, they didn’t even pay me for this bit of minor publicity or for attempting to help them fill their rosters with more athletes. I just really want to one day get Peyton Manning to call up someone and just yell “CUT! THAT! MEAT! Oh and happy birthday”. I’d pay 20 bucks for that.