British tabloids are bloody outraged over John Terry’s alleged affair with former Chelsea and current England teammate Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend, Vanessa Perroncel. Commentators are screaming for his head like al-Shabab. They want him removed as England captain yesterday. What’s England manager Fabio Capello to do?

Terry is accused of giving the Double D to Perroncel not soon after they broke up. It’s alleged that he not only slept with her but also knocked her up. The England and Chelsea captain is married with two children. Sticky situation but it’s not all bad. He was man enough to pay for the abortion. Problem solved, yes? Hell no.

Stories of the affair came to light when tabloid News of the World took pictures of the Chelsea and England captain leaving Perroncel’s house in his Bentley. Terry sought and received a superinjunction to prevent the story’s publication. Legal fail. The high court overturned it and the story quickly became a superclusterfuck when it was splashed across the front page of every major paper in the UK.

Normally the private lives of athletes and other famous people should stay as such in spite of the media and general public’s obsession with every detail of their idols’ lives. The Deuce always respects th….Never mind. Is this situation different? Terry is supposed to lead England in their World Cup campaign. It’s rumored that Bridge won’t travel to South Africa if Terry remains captain or even on the team depending which reports one believes. There are also claims that Terry isn’t the only professional footballer to get a professional from Perroncel. This could get messier before it gets better for the involved parties.

Instead of hiring a PR representative, Terry should take some advice from South African president, Jacob Zuma. He just fathered his 20th child with the daughter of friend, Sonono Khoza. There ain’t no shame in his game. He has multiple children from seven women which include his “current three wives” as well as various other women. The Khoza family wasn’t pleased and sought discussions over “inhlawulo, the customary Zulu damages payable when a child is born out of wedlock”. Problem solved? Yes.

Khoza is the chairman of the South Africa’s World Cup organizing committee. You think Zuma’s love child is going to blow up the biggest sporting event in the world? No way. Is anyone talking about Zuma stepping down from the presidency? Of course not. Bill Clinton was president of the wrong country.

England needs to tighten up. Terry isn’t the first pro athlete to cheat or knock someone up and he won’t be the last. No doubt the situation is ugly for the involved parties. It makes for juicy gossip and speculation but it shouldn’t threaten England’s chances at the World Cup. There will be hundreds of excuses to choose from when they inevitably choke. This drama should be handled internally by Capello and his decision should be respected. The FA and British govermnent should keep their noses out of it. They’ve made it apparent over the years that they have no clue what they’re doing when it comes to soccer. The team is ultimately Capello’s responsibility. It might be worth talking to Sven as he has experience with handling these types of situations from every angle. Know what I’m sayin’?

There are some lessons to be learned from this mess. Never leave your lady around John Terry. Never leave valuables around his mother. Always look for his dad when you’re ready to have a good time. “Come on, Chelsea” has taken on a whole new meaning.

** The Deuce declares all conflicts unlike Howard Kurtz. Mustafa is a long-time Chelsea supporter. He is only interested in Terry keeping his head on straight when he’s playing for the Blues.

Poor Diego Maradona. The Hand of God is helping him put steak, empanadas and small children down his throat instead of helping him win games. The Argentina manager is running away from his team’s dismal World Cup qualifying campaign and heading to fat camp to lose weight and relieve some stress. Patrick Kennedy and Ted Haggart say he’s doing it all wrong.

Normally we’d never say anything to disrespect swine. Homer not only wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey but he also proclaimed the pig to be a magical animal. Who are we to argue with him? We’re not VOB.

Russia, under the guidance of the almighty Guus Hiddink, is traveling to Wales next month to challenge the west country in a World Cup qualifier. While the team prepares to face the douchebaggery of Craig Bellamy, the supporters are taking precautions against the threat of swine flu. They’re being encouraged to drink copious amounts of Welsh whiskey to ward off H1N1 by the Russian football supporters association (VOB).

“We urge our fans to drink a lot of Welsh whisky as a form of disinfection,” VOB head Alexander Shprygin told Reuters.”That should cure all symptoms of the disease.”

The Russian health ministry is advising against travel to England but the VOB ain’t havin’ it.

“Health officials say this virus is very dangerous but being a fan myself I can tell you that for a real fan nothing is more important than the well-being of the team,” said Shprygin, who also sits on the executive board of the Russian FA.

“Russian fans don’t fear anything or anybody so this virus will not stand in our way of supporting our team.”

Shprygrin failed to mention that nothing will stand in the way of Russian supporters and Welsh whiskey. If there’s one thing that will lead Russia to victory besides Guus Hiddink, it’s Welsh whiskey. Don’t even get them started on shoe polish sandwiches. That’s Azerbaijan’s ass. We’re not making that up.

Golden Balls doesn’t think you’re like the rest, Milan. He wants to make this real. Why do you think he’s giving you that Blue Steel come hither look? Don’t look now but David Beckham’s people are in talks to keep him in Italy past the end of his loan deal. He’s on fire creating and scoring goals for AC Milan. England manager Fabio Capello has said that staying in Milan will only help his chances for the 2010 World Cup. It looks like he has a new lease on life. Why is he enjoying his time in Milan so much? It could be more than the football.

The BBC’s Chris Charles and The Sun point out a new ritual that’s a hit with Beckham and his AC Milan teammates. Bum smacking. They don’t cruise the town slapping unaware homeless people like mailboxes. They smack Beckham’s ass.

Smacking Beckham’s ass brings him luck. It works so well that he’s given the team official permission to keep smacking that ass like it don’t quit.

Clarence Seedorf and Andrea Pirlo were seen playfully smacking his backside after he scored against Bologna.

And Kaka did the same as Becks notched his second goal in a 1-1 draw against Genoa last night.

Becks said: We laughed and shared a joke about it among the squad.

I hadn’t even realised Clarence had touched my backside but I’ll be happy if he does it again — because it will mean I’ve scored another goal.

So he’s formally got my permission to touch it again.

Wait until Posh hears about this. That mystery Serie C player who gives it up to all the Serie A boys in the yard must be licking his chops for a chance at that ass. Get in line, playboy.

Review of the Week [BBC Sport]

Becks: I Love Bum Smacks [The Sun]

If you feel like fucking, well come on. It’s up to you! Actually it isn’t if you’re staying in Swaziland during next year’s World Cup in South Africa. The Swazi police took time out from finding new teenage wives for the king in order to ban prostitution thanks to a law that’s been on the books since the 1800s.

All is not lost for our soccer fans cum sex tourists.

“During the 2010 World Cup tournament, we are expecting tourists from all walks of life,” [Bongani Dlamini, a spokesman for the local organising committee] said. “After we have taken a decision on prostitution, we will then make a statement or even advise the tourists accordingly.

“For example, when a tourist who needs the services of a sex worker arrives and finds that prostitution is prohibited, we will advise him accordingly that he has to propose for love to a Swazi girl first and then consent for sex.”

“Yeah whatever. Sure I love you. Now take off your shirt.” If that’s all it takes to get some Swazi love for the night, I’ll go one step further in taking it back to the old school. A guy I knew in college used to ask his hookups if they wanted a pizza then bail after the deed. Hookers take pizza in lieu of cash, right? A Domino’s Pizza has to be worth more than 100,000,000 Swazi Lilangeli. Oh wait, that’s Zimbabwe. Imagine if I gave her Little Caesar’s. Two pizza pizzas? Two chicks at the same time. Beautiful.