Week 5 was a whole lot of more of the same, I got a little too cute with a few picks and ended up going 7-6 with my picks. I was perfect on my Upset Specials and Locks of the week though, so for the season we’re at 39-35, 3-2 on locks of the week and 2-3 on upset specials. Really, I am the most mediocre prognosticator there is, but it appears in the long term, you should finish enough over .500 to maybe break even…which is not good enough my friends. You deserve more. This week, we’re shooting for near perfection. Its been a long work week (hence why this place has been a ghost town this week), so my writeups will be quick, but here are the picks. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Tiffany Jimenez from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

KANSAS CITY +6.5 at Washington

Washington is playing with just 2 actual offensive linemen, the other 3 are just getting a headstart for halloween. I dont care how stout their D can be, Chiefs are, more than likely, winning this one straight up. If the Redskins do pull it out, it certainly wont be by a touchdown. Feel safe with this one.

Houston at Cincinnati OVER 46

All the Bengals do is play in close games, why should this one be any different against the occasionally high flying Texans’ offense. I thought about taking Texans +5 because of that, but I also expect this game to be a shootout. Each team scoring in bunches. Just play it safe and take the over.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH -14

I’m not sure if the Browns will gain over 100 yards here. Only way the Steelers don’t win by more than 2 scores is if their horrible 4th quarter prevent D blows another huge lead. Lets hope they’ve figured that 4th quarter out. You’d think a team that won the Super Bowl the year before would have an inclination as to how to finish out a game strong. Its like they only really know how to come from behind, not play with a lead. Nevertheless, the Browns suck. Stillers dominate this one.

Baltimore at MINNESOTA -3

The Ravens defense is good but their offense is in the starring role this season. Unfortunately for them, the Vikings have a defense that can bottle up their newly dynamic offense and savvy/gritty/gutty/grizzled/tough/wise/veteran QB BRETTFAVRE will yet again perform well enough to solve any blitz thrown at him. Percy Harvin scores here too I think…just a random Peter King like guess there. You like that, I know it.

St. Louis at JACKSONVILLE -9.5

Sure the Jags got shut out last week, but the Rams have been shut out twice this year! Its scary laying this many points on the Jags, but I just have that little faith in the Rams ability to get in the end zone…that and I have a huge man crush on MJD.

Carolina at TAMPA BAY +3

This one is a pure gut feeling play here. I just think that Tampa’s running game and their super mobile QB will present a lot of problems for Carolina. Also, after 2 tough road games, this could be the Bucs’ last chance at a win in a while in a home game against a mentally beaten down team. I think the upset happens and Tampa wins its 1st game of the year.

Detroit at GREEN BAY -13.5

It is looking more and more like Calvin Johnson won’t be playing on Sunday. This news is horrible for my fantasy team, but excellent for my wallet. Take the Packers here and rest easy knowing your money is about to double up.

ARIZONA +3 at Seattle

Its tough to play in Seattle for sure, but Arizona does it twice a year and know what they are getting into. Well, that and the Seahawks really aren’t a good team despite what they did last week to Jacksonville. Kurt Warner flies high this game Arizona will win straight up, if the moneyline was better i would be all over that.

Bills at Jets UNDER 37.5

If you don’t live on the east coast, you might not know this but…it is friggin wet. REAL WET right now. This deluge wont stop for days, its Friday morning when i’m writing this and it wont stop raining until sometime next week. It will be raining on Sunday and with the Jets starting a rookie QB from Southern California and the Bills just being one of the worst teams in football playing one of the best defenses in the league…I am thinking all of this will keep the score loooooow.

Tennessee at NEW ENGLAND -9

The Patriots are going to flex their muscles here and show that they can, at times, play like the dominating team they used to be. The Titans will just stand idly by watching as it happens to them. No shocker here when the Pats win.

Chicago at ATLANTA -3.5

After last weekend’s offensive explosion, how do you not roll the dice and pick the Falcons here? You have to like what Ryan and White are doing in the air and Turner seems to be gaining his footing this season as a RB. Their D is also playing some decent football. I think the Bears hit a wall in Atlanta.

Denver at SAN DIEGO -3.5

The Chargers are coming off a bye week having rested and licked their wounds and they are going to come out, at home, on Monday night and put an end to the amazing win streak the Broncos are on right now. Believe in NORV! Chargers will win!

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at New Orleans

In my mind, the Giants are the most complete team in the NFC and possibly the NFL, unless they prove me otherwise by getting their asses handed to them, I think they should be favored in every game this year. So, in light of that, any time they are underdogs I am taking them…even though New Orleans is at home and coming off a bye week. 2 things that mean that I will probably soon be parted with my money…but i’m still liking the Giants here.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PHILADELPHIA -14 at Oakland

I think there is some rule to NFL sports betting that if the home team is a 14 point underdog, you really just have to take them…but screw that rule. This year in the NFL has been no stranger to some crazy blowouts. The difference between the the haves and the have nots is HUGE this season. Take the Eagles, they cover this huge line easy. And if you’re ever up in Philly, hit up Monk’s Belgian Cafe…seriously the best mussels and fries in the city and a great selection of Belgian beers.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

This is going to be one long season, last week was another totally average week, with your boy Chimp going 7-7, losing the upset special and winning the lock of the week. Overall, I am 32-29 and 2-2 on the Locks of the Week and 1-3 on the Upset Specials. Still a whole lot of room to make some money and if you were for some reason betting with me here, you would probably be around even. But, we can do better, and we certainly will this week. I have information that will make this week the ultimate lock week of all weeks! READ ON! As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Abbie M from the Baltimore Ravens. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.*

MINNESOTA -10 at St. Louis

You know a team is bad when I am willing to lay 10 points against a home team on a team playing on a short week due to them having just played their guts out on Monday night. St. Louis is that bad. If this were a college game, there would be a 30 point spread. These teams are mirror images of each other. If you wanted a real life analogy, the Vikings are a NASA shuttle lifting off to go visit the space station, while the Rams are the rocket that is on a death mission to the Moon to literally punch the moon in its fucking face. You gotta take the Vikings here, their D will pummel whomever is quarterbacking the Rams into the ground like a NASA rocket into the moon…I cannot use that story enough apparently! THIS IS MY SUPERSONIC PICK OF THE WEEK because you will be running so fast to make this bet you will generate a Goddamn SONIC BOOM!!!

Dallas at KANSAS CITY +9

Sure Tony Romo is a screw-up, they have average wide receivers, all their running backs are banged up and their defense is garbage….wait…no do not ignore any of that information. As bad as Kansas City is and they are pretty horrible, I actually think they have a chance at home against this Dallas squad. Not a good chance, but a good enough chance to cover 9 points here. Take the Chiefs, put a good amount of money on it, then go take this sick ass Makers Mark Master Distiller’s Experience. You get a friggin 24 karat bottle of your own booze, literally your face is etched onto the bottle, its YOURS! THIS IS MY 130 PROOF KILLER BUZZ PICK OF THE WEEK!

Washington at CAROLINA -3.5

Yeah, so far I am 1-0 when picking against my Redskins like I said I would the rest of the season and I think I am going to increase my winning streak to 2 games this week. Both teams are desperate, one team will win.

My information this week says the ‘Skins have hired a man that was recently pulling bingo balls out of a barrel for a church to be the salvation for their offense. How anyone can ever bet on them is beyond me. If you live in the DC area like me, you should take Carolina and when you win buy yourself a nice big HD television and some NFL Sunday Ticket so you never have to watch the Redskins again. GOD they suck.

Tampa Bay at PHILADELPHIA -14.5

I must be crazy…or AM I? This line is actually up to 16 in some places and the action on Tampa has been pretty steady even with the line moves. No one thinks the Bucs can actually win this game, but they question whether the Eagles can actually put up the points to cover this line. I’m here to assure you, they will. Sure McNabb is just coming back, but after the performance that Kevin Kolb had the last two weeks and Mike Vick’s ever increasing appearances on the field, Donovan will want to desperately piss all over the Buccaneers to assert his dominance and claim this football team for himself, once and for all…again…and just for this season. No way McNabb is here next year. Take the Eagles and when you win, piss all over your house, just to make a point. Claim that territory.

NY JETS -1 at Miami

Look for the Jets’ defense to terrorize Chad Henne into making a mistake on the few plays he is allowed to throw the ball. The other 80% of the time when the Dolphins are running, they will be bottled up tighter than a jar of some tasty Rao’s Vodka Sauce. Have you ever had this shit? It is possibly some of the greatest, store bought and mass produced red sauce on the planet. Mrs. Rage made some tasty Spaghetti alla Carbonara that was pushed over the top by the application of this sauce. Oh my GOD was so good I actually regurgitated it a few times in my mouth after the meal just to taste it again…or maybe that was just acid reflux…either way it was just as tasty the second time. Buy it, you cannot go wrong with it, much like you cannot go wrong taking the Jets here. This is my HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY ATE 3/4 OF A BOX OF PASTA AND DAMN NEAR A PACKAGE OF BACON AND I STILL WANT MORE PICK OF THE WEEK!!!

Oakland at NY Giants UNDER 38

Look, the Raiders havent let anyone put up over 29 points on them this season and they haven’t scored a touchdown in 2 weeks with 9 points being their total offensive output in that span. The Raiders shut out a Tampa offense that is actually better than the Raiders. All this adds up to another really, really, low scoring game. Unless the Giants win 39-0, with an injured Eli Manning and a running game that will run the clock down quick, this game is going under. Take the Giants, its my Super Mega Ultra Special Upside Jigga Generic-Cliched Words pick of the week.

Cincinnati at BALTIMORE -9

I have inside information on this game that YOU NEED TO KNOW…and if i had a 1-800 number I could let you know, but I don’t so you will have to trust me. This is my 4 star, game of the year pick! Home team covers this large 9 point spread. The Bengals are paper…bengals…um yeah and they will be exposed this as such! Take Baltimore -9, thats right the RAVENS giving 9 points is your pick! Bet this right and you will be set to gamble the REST OF THE YEAR…HON!

PITTSBURGH -10.5 at Detroit

Yea, the Steelers should cruise this week and they might be getting the heart and soul of their D back when Troy Polamalu returns. Detroit has been beat down by more than 10 points in all 3 of their losses…and why not make it 4 for 4? By the way, you notice how large the spread are this week? So far we’ve had a 10, two 9′s, two 14.5, now a 10.5. I mean, what happened to parity? Jesus! Take the Stillers, eat all the Primanti Bros you want after you win, you’ll need it to absorb the alcohol you will ingest so you can stand to watch this blowout.

ATLANTA +2.5 at San Francisco

San Fran has surprised many with its 3-1 record, beating the Cardinals, Rams and Seahawks and losing to the Vikings by just 3 points. Meanwhile Atlanta is coming off a bye week at 2-1, losing once to the Patriots…San Fran is getting way too much respect here. This is a gimme, take the Falcons, the 49ers are impressing people, but lets not crown them yet. The Falcons are a solid team and should win this game out right. Take the Falcons, ITS MY FIVE POINTED STAR DEVIL MAY CARE PICK OF THE WEEK!

NEW ENGLAND -3 at Denver

I mean really, in what would should the Patriots ever be favored by just 3 points against the Broncos? I mean, these Broncos barely beat the Bengals and have beat the Cowboys, Raiders and Browns…hardly stout competition. Belichik taught Josh McDaniels all he knows…except how to beat the King. Not this week for the brash young coach, like the late James Brown said “I taught them everything they know…not everything I know.” Take the Patriots, this is my GET UP PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG SEX MACHINE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE ME WANNA KISS MYSELF PICK OF THE WEEK!

Houston at Arizona UNDER 50

Yeah, everyone and their mother thinks this game is going to be some 35-29 high scoring fiasco, but I am not buying that hype. Arizona is at home and coming off a bye week allowing them 2 weeks to prepare for this offense. This game will have plenty of fireworks, but its not going above 50 points total. Fade the public and take the under safely here peoples. If I had a fade of the week, this would be it.

Jacksonville at Seattle

I can only find this line at one sportsbetting site and they have Jacksonville favored by 3. The rest of the sports gambling world it is off the board due to Hasselbeck’s questionable status right now. So, i’m not going to do a huge writeup about this game and I am not going to include it in my picks for this week. But, if I had to make a pick, I’d take Jacksonville, even if the spread is 3.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

CLEVELAND +210 at Buffalo

Well isnt this game a stinker? Toss a coin, I dunno. Seriously, no team deserves to win this game. Buffalo is favored by 6 at home and they need to win because when they dont, the crime rate jumps in Buffalo. Meanwhile, the Browns are winless and traded their former best receiver away for a couple of gritty role players to shake things up a little. Will it work? Who knows. What I do know is, i don’t feel confident in the Bills winning by a touchdown, nor do I feel confident the Browns will let them. No, where I see value in this matchup is the moneyline bet. +210 is just juicy enough to want to gamble since the Browns do actually have a chance here, not a good chance, but a double my damn money chance if they win. Take the Browns, gamble a little to double your cash and when you do, find me and shake my hand…if you dont, please dont punch me in the face. THIS IS MY DO NOT DARE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE PICK OF THE WEEK! Oh…also the Upset Special seeing as I am picking a 6 point underdog to win outright. Trapper, this one’s for you.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

INDIANAPOLIS -3.5 at Tennessee

I am officially done with the Titans like I am done with the Redskins. Every week I bet on them to break out of this slump and every week they disappoint me. Obviously, Jim Schwartz was a fucking genius and his absence is a void that cannot be filled by any other mortal being. Screw this team, take the Colts, Peyton Manning is playing the best football of his career, their defense is getting healthier every second, they have 2 running backs and 3 receivers playing exceptionally well, their offensive line is fantastic…how are they only favored by 3.5? You know what this means? LOCK OF THE WEEK. Thats right…i just did that. And while you’re in Nashville watching your Titans lose, hit up Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge because no trip to that city is complete without it.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Last week wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t amazing either. I finished up 9-7 here, and missed on the Upset Special but hit on my Lock of the week. Overall, I am 25-22 and 1-2 on the Locks of the Week and Upset Specials. Like I said, not bad, but not great. We can do better, and we will this week. HERE WE GO. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Emily C from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +9 at Houston

The Raiders are a horrible team, just horrible, but as bad as they are, Houston’s D is worse. They are, and have been for awhile, the worst defense in the league. Its hard to be this bad for this long, but they are and have been. For this and this reason only, I am picking the Oakland Raiders to cover. With a D this bad, Oakland might not ever have to actually throw the ball and, really, why would they? JaMarcus Russel is scary bad. Take the Raiders and get yourself a big puffy Raiders Starter jacket with it, kickin it old skool boyeeeeee.

TENNESSEE -3 at Jacksonville

Tennessee is the best 0-3 team in football, hands down, and I will keep putting money on them until they win a damn game. Certainly they should have no problem putting away the hapless Jaguars at their home. 3 points is a gimme here. Take two Titans -3 and call me in the morning.

CINCINNATI -6 at Cleveland

You’re kidding me right? The real question is how does Cincinnati screw this game up so they don’t win by more than 6 points. They are perfectly capable of this and we all know it, but do not let that persuade you into making a bet on the home dog. You are better than that and you know it. Just look at this game as a gift from the gambling God, Gamblor. He knows you cannot resist a juicy line like that so don’t. Gamblor is a spiteful God. Do not anger him by turning down gifts. Once you win this bet, make sure you go straight to under your bathroom sink where you have your mini slot machine surrounded by candles and a picture of the Cthulhu-like monster that is Gamblor and pay your respects to the God that controls you.

New York Giants at Kansas City OVER 42

Everyone knows the Giants are going to win this game and after shutting out Tampa last week, everyone anticipates this game to be just as big a blowout, hence the 9 points that the Giants are favored by. But is 9 too much? Over 80% of the action is on the Giants and this line has not budged. I smell a rat. What I expect this time is that their D will give up points, their offense will score more, and in the end, it will be a 31-14 type score with thanks to a garbage time score for the Chiefs. If that score actually happens, my wife gets dinner at a restaurant of her choice…if she is actually reading this of course.

DETROIT +10 at Chicago

What, exactly, have the Bears done this year to be 10 point favorites against anyone? I’m waiting…yeah, I thought so, nothing. The Lions have at least proved one thing this year, that they are one game better than last year. That is always nice to get out of the way in the 3rd week. They wont win this game, but they aren’t going to get blown out either. Culter doesn’t have those kinds of weapons here and the Bears’ defense, while solid, has seen better days. Take the Lions, but first, you need have a yard sale on Saturday morning. Think of it as fall cleaning, you slob. Get rid of all that clutter like old books, t-shirts, silverware, plates, watches, couches, televisions, your children and take all that money and throw it on this game. You’ll thank me for it.

TAMPA BAY +9 at Washington

Yea, if you read last week, you know that I said that if the Redskins didn’t cover, I would bet against them the rest of the season, no matter what the line was. Well, they didn’t cover, so here we are picking Tampa. Luckily, this week, I actually like Tampa to cover this one since I don’t believe the Redskins can beat anyone by more than a field goal this season. I’m still rooting for my ‘skins to win…but I ain’t betting on them ever again. Take the Bucs, they wont win, but the Redskins can’t help but make this game close.

Seattle at INDIANAPOLIS -10.5

That is a LOT of points. A LOT of them. I’m not sure, but over 10 point favorites never seem to do that well in the NFL, someone should look that up…so why am I picking the Colts? Because they are freakin good and the Seneca Wallace show isn’t going to be able to keep up with them, especially with Julius Jones looking like he’s running through quicksand. Oh, and I have to take one of these massive home favorites at some point, so here we are. Take the Colts and the points, act like a total barstool pundit while you’re doing it and when you win kick everyone that mocked you right in the balls. They deserve it.

NY Jets at NEW ORLEANS -7

Last week the Bills proved that you can slow down the Saints mighty offense and the Jets will put all sorts of pressure on Drew Brees to prove that you can slow them down enough to win. Thing is, I dont think they will. With all that pressure, someone’s gotta be open, and Brees is good enough to find them. The Saints’ defense, however, has become blitz happy as well now that Gregggggggg Williams is their new coordinator and they will put the heat on young Mark Sanchez forcing him into finally showing the league that he is, indeed, a rookie. After you win this, shake a magic 8 ball and ask it if you are the man…signs will point to YES.

Buffalo at MIAMI +1

This is a game separated by two camps. Those that went to Michigan and believe that Chad Henne will actually win this game, thus proving he actually does belong in the NFL…and there is the rest of the world that knows he doesn’t. I fall in the latter of the two camps but I know something you may not and this might amaze you but…Miami runs the ball a TON. Henne will really just have to hand the damn ball off and they will beat Buffalo at home this week. On the defensive side, even Jason Taylor, who looks like he is playing the role of Bruce Smith in his last year, can sack Trent Edwards with the Buffalo O Line in front. Take the ‘phins, enjoy the 1 point cushion you have, relax in that easy chair you have and win you win your big bucks…buy me an easy chair like the one you have. I need me some lay-z-boy action.

DALLAS -3 at Denver

Denver is not a very good team. Oh, I know they are 3-0, but really, trust me, they are not a very good team. Don’t trust them. It pains me to go with Dallas here, but you have to pick them. Denver’s stats have been padded by playing the Raiders and the Browns the last two games, any team will look like a champion with that schedule. In this game, they will come down to earth. Orton will come down to earth. Their D will realize they still do not have a defensive line as Barber and Choice gash them for 200+ yards. Dallas wins this…well, just pray Romo doesnt screw this up. Take the Cowboys, buy yourself a pony when you win…for the kids of course.

San Diego at Pittsburgh OVER 43

Both teams have been hit by injuries and I have no idea who is going to win this game. What I do know is that both teams are hurting at RB and even with healthy RB’s they love to sling the ball. There is going to be a lot of clock stoppages and big plays and this will be one exciting, high scoring game. Take the over and don’t look back. No idea who is going to win…but points will be scored!! After you bet this game and before you sit down to watch it, make sure you buy yourself a seat belt for your couch…you’re going to need it.

GREEN BAY +3.5 at Minnesota

The revenge game, on Monday night, can it get any better? Yes…if Brett Favre loses this game. That will make it perfect. This will be a squeaker, take the road dog yet again this week. If Brett Favre actually beats his old team at least we know that we are already in Hell.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

BALTIMORE +1 at New England

Its a rare day that I pick against the Patriots at home, but this is one of those days, I’m going Ravens here. Why? Well after the Jets gave the Pats fits I kinda think the Ravens can do the same thing with their D. Also, the Ravens’ offense is better. Their running backs are better, they are deeper at WR, their line is playing better, and Flacco is, right now, playing better football than Football Fabio Tom Brady. Come to think of it, the Ravens are just a better team all around right now. Be gutsy, be a man (or woman) and do what you know is right and pick against the Pats at home. When you make this call and you win, you’re going to want to do exactly what I am going to do…which, of course, is to run outside and rip your shirt off full-on Hulkamania stylie and scream “I AM A FUCKING SPORTS BETTING GOD!”…especially if you are a woman you might want to consider this.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO -9

Lets see, Bulger is hurting, their best receiver (and a revelation at the position for the team) Laurent Robinson is out for the year and their defense is wretched. They only thing the Rams have going for them is poor Steven Jackson, whose talents are being wasted more than Marshall Faulk’s were when he was with the Colts. It’d be awesome if they repaid the Colts for giving them Faulk and give them Jackson, not because i like the Colts, but because i REALLY feel bad for Jackson. Pick the 49ers here and watch this game if you can. You might see Mike Singletary blow a groin from jockin his players so hard.

And while your in San Francisco, make sure you hit up Burger Meister. Gourmet burgers…can you go wrong? No, especially when they look like this!

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.

Yes, FireJimZorn is up and running on the blogger platform, and after that last loss to the Lions, you can’t blame the MongooseLG for starting it. The .com address is just a parked webads page, so that wont get used anytime soon. Oh, and if you like that graphic you can buy it on a t-shirt over in our t-shirt store.

Although, as a Redskins fan, I’m trying to fathom why anyone thinks their offense is supposed to be any good? I mean, hasnt it been garbage ever since Spurrier? They’ve been struggling to get points ever since Marty left town. Lets just say, they are who we thought they are. A team capable of hanging around with anyone…and losing to most of them.

I think that the only way this Redskins season can be considered a success is if we finally stop teasing Dan Snyder with a near 8-8 mediocre season and just tank it horribly, hopefully forcing Danny to clear house of Vinny Cerrato, and all the bloat on the team they can, blowing up the salary cap one year to get everything off the books and to start fresh. I would, however, keep the entire coaching staff because no one who is any good will want to coach this team after destroying it so bad…unless we get Raheem Morris I guess.

Lets hope it will happen this offseason, it can only get worse before it gets better.

Well if you listened to me last week, you actually ended up 8-7 against the spread. We were 1-0 with our Upset Specials and 0-1 with our Locks of the Week (so much for that). Not bad but we here at the Deuce strive for perfection…or at least better than breaking even. This week there seems to be a lot of 3 point spreads, which is the equivalent of Vegas shrugging their shoulders saying “I have no idea, favor the home team”, so we’ll see how we do. As always, all lines are from TheGreek. Hot cheerleader is Anjuli Rodiriguez from the Denver Broncos. Scroll to the bottom if you want to skip to the Upset Special and the Lock of the Week.

OAKLAND +140 at Kansas City

See, this is what i was just talking about. KC is favored by 3, that right there is Vegas throwing up their hands, going with the home team and letting the action dictate where the line moves. Only problem is that the line hasn’t moved at all since the public is as befuddled as the pros on tihs one. Right now, people are on Oakland by around 58% after they didnt look like an XFL team on Monday night against the Chargers. The Chiefs also looked better than advertised, but they are still horrible. As a matter of fact, both teams are still QUITE horrible. Avoid this game at all costs, but if you want to make it interesting, just take the Raiders moneyline. The whole game is a risk, if you are that much of an action junkie, you might as well get a decent payout. If you bet this game, you have balls of steel…almost like mine. I have balls of tungsten carbide. Ask my wife.

Houston at TENNESSEE -6.5

Apparently the “dynamic” Texans’ offense only works when the not so dynamic Kevin Walter is in the lineup as they sucked a fat one last week without him. Houston’s D looks to be no better than last year, meanwhile the Titan’s running game is just getting warmed up and Kerry Collins looks like the 2nd coming of Kurt Warner (last season’s edition). No stopping the Titans this week. Not without the mighty Kevin Walter on the field for the Texans. Take the points, win your cash, buy yourself a baby to replace the one you sold last week while paying off your debts from my crap picks.

New England at NEW YORK JETS +3.5

Yeah, that’s right, i’m buying into the Rex Ryan hype machine. This guy is crazier than his dad ever was if he thinks that stoking the flames within the evil Bill Belichick and, America’s sweetheart, Tom Brady is an awesome idea…and I love it. I think its just crazy enough to work and I’m going to buy the hype by taking the home dog here. When I win, everyone that believed in me will receive a phone call from Chimp Rage giving thanks for all of your support…just like my man Rex Ryan did earlier in the week.

Cincinnati at GREEN BAY -9.5

Ok, so lets see if you were paying attention to anything I said last week. If you followed this advice, you won at least one game. And I quote “you shouldn’t really try to bet against the Pack at home. Sell your car, use that money to bet this game, win, and then buy yourself the car you really deserve bucko. Its a plan that can’t fail.” Do it again. Double your money and get two cars you deserve.

NEW ORLEANS +1 at Philadelphia

McNabb has a broken rib, Westbrook still is getting his feet wet after off-season surgery and Drew Brees has been replaced with an alien from the planet Krypton. Thats all you need to know here. Take the Saints and welcome our new alien ruler with opened arms…lest he throw a football through your chest.

Carolina at ATLANTA – 6.5

The Panthers would like a do-over from last week as they were witness to Jake Delhomme looking like the NFL equivalent of my father not having the physical ability to play me in video games anymore like with Madden 10 on the Xbox. “There are more buttons to push, too many! I meant to throw to Y! How can you play with 12 buttons to push at once? You only have 10 fingers!! This game moves so friggin fast what the hell? Who sees this fast? There are too many plays to learn, how can you remem–oh, OH SHI–why the fuck is this thing vibrating??? *Throws his 4th interception*” Take the Falcons…get an Xbox 360, find me online, challenge me to a game of Madden.

St. Louis at WASHINGTON -10

Yeah, my homer pick last week paid off as the Redskins barely covered the spread. This week, I am hoping my living in Homerland pays off again as I think the Redskins will cover a 10 point spread. Yes, this is an offense that typically averages around 17 points a game. I think 17 will be enough to cover a 10 point spread. Their D should easily be able to handle the wretched St. Louis offense and as long as something crazy like an offensive lineman catching a pass and fumbling the ball away doesn’t happen, I think the Redskins get this one easy. Take the Redskins, use your money to purchase some of those freaking yellow section Club seats so that gigantic hell-hole stadium doesn’t look half empty all the time.

ARIZONA +3.5 at Jacksonville

Ok so i’m a bit worried about Kurt Warner. He had offseason hip surgery. Yes, he is so old he had to have hip surgery. I’m not sure if i feel confident in someone with that kind of ailment being the leader of a football team. If San Francisco’s lackluster D can bottle up the Cardinals, I hope Jacksonville can at least slow them down and make them punt a few times. If that happens, they should put the ball in MJD’s hands and go nuts. All that being said. Even if Jacksonville wins this game, I can’t see em winning by a more than a field goal, and Arizona’s offense, even with a gimpy Warner, is too dominant to be held down for long. Take the Cards, they bounce back this week and you will too if you’re still reading these picks.

SEATTLE +1 at San Francisco

Not sure why people are sweating San Fran so much in this game. Their running game was horrible last week and their D wasn’t all that great either. Meanwhile all the Seahawks did was shut out one of the worst teams in football, doing it in somewhat impressive fashion…at least compared to last year’s Seahawks. Hasselbeck is healthier than Kurt Warner was, his team is as healthy as it was 2 years ago when they were a playoff squad, and he won’t let his team go down to the 49ers this week. Take out a small business loan, bet it on the Seahawks as the road dog, win so much money you can pay the loan back and still open up your own Starbucks franchise.

Tampa Bay at BUFFALO -5

Buffalo nearly beats the New England Patriots, on Monday night, on the road and they are only favored by 5 points against the offensive and defensively challenged Buccaneers in a Sunday afternoon game at home? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Walk, nay, run to your bookie or sportsbook and throw down all your money on this one. If you win, start your own wrestling organization like this lucky moron did.

Cleveland at Denver OVER 39

Yeah, Vegas doesn’t know who will win this and neither do I. What I do know is, neither team can run the ball better than they can throw it and neither team is particularly adept at rushing the passer or stopping the pass. I am just betting that there will be a lot of throwing going on here and with that a lot of clock stoppages, meaning more time on the clock to score points. Take the over and pray that Braylon Edwards and Brandon Marshall get their heads out of their respective asses quick enough so they can look up and catch a damn ball.

BALTIMORE +3 at San Diego

Baltimore still has a pretty sick defense and now they’ve apparently discovered a passing game to go with the 1-2 punch of Rice and McGahee at running back. If the Chargers struggled with the Raiders last week…how are they supposed to win this one? Take Baltimore and be happy you’re getting a 3 point cushion. If you want to be a man, take the Ravens money line at +145 and play without a safety net. When you win, take that special someone out on the town, they will deserve it for sticking with your degenerate ass.

NEW YORK GIANTS +3 at Dallas

Another total toss up. I am going with NY here since their defensive line should push Romo to do something incredibly stupid at some point in this game and that will be enough to sway the game in the Giants’ favor. Weak reasoning for sure. Its that much of a coin toss. The over/under didnt even inspire me. Take the Giants and hope that the better team prevails…or Dallas wins by a point or two.

INDIANAPOLIS -3 at Miami

If you think Manning will lose this game, then you and I have a difference of opinion. Miami could only muster 7 points against the Falcons’ defense and I dont think they will have any more success against the Colts’ average D. Indy’s offense will do just enough to win and you will close out your week with a nice wad of cash. Blow it all on hookers and crack and come back to do it again next week.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK

Minnesota at DETROIT +10

This one smells like a trap to me. Minnesota should dominate this game in theory but the line for this game opened at 10 and stayed there, despite over 70% of the public placing bets on Minnesota to win. That means to me that the 30% of the other people are betting heavy on Detroit to make a game of this. If it smells like a trap, looks like a trap and has crazy ass Brett Favre in there to throw a random interception or two when he feels like he has a safe lead and can make a greedy play…take the points and the home team. If you happen to win this insane bet, you should go out, head to a casino and put all that money on red or black. It doesn’t matter which color. You obviously cannot lose.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

PITTSBURGH -3 at Chicago

The only reason Culter won’t throw 4 INTs in this game, like he did last week, is because the heart and soul of the Steelers D isn’t going to be around to play. With Polamalu out, Cutler will throw just 2 picks and the Bears will still lose. Karma is a bitch for Jay Cutler and he deserves to lose for the stunts he pulled in the offseason, but this 2 game losing streak wont last long for him as the Bears have a cakewalk schedule the rest of the way. For now though, take the Steelers and the points. Once you win, take your cash and visit Casey’s Draft House on the South Side. See that little guy on the right? He will pour a shot down your throat while standing on the bar, all for the right price of course. Come for the midget, leave when the racism and sexism gets a bit too much for ya.

Good luck peoples.

*Deuce of Davenport is only doing this column for entertainment purposes only, you’d be a fool to actually follow any of this advice and/or these picks. We accept no responsibility for anyone actually gambling with these picks.