Washington DC Archives
Chimp and I were in Ward 8 looking for something to do earlier this week when we got an unexpected surprise. None other than Hizzoner Marion Barry drove by and rolled down the window.
“What it do, gentlemens? Good to see you again! I’m just checkin‘ on my constituents as I does. That soccer stadium got a little fucked up so I gotta make sure them Duke boys know what time it is. I promised jobs for my people and Mayor for Life always delivers. Yeah that’s right. Mayor for Life, playboy.”
We told him that we were looking for something to do. Maybe a show but we weren’t sure.
“Sheeeit, man! All you had to do was say so! Sardines and pork and beans! We need to roll to the junkyard! I just kicked Sugar Bear’s ass cause E.U.’s drummer hit the wrong beat on a bucket drum. Get in. I’ll drop you off somewhere hot.”
We jumped in his Escalade with the mayor-plated 22′s and license plate that read, “JUMBO#1″. We rolled off with Chuck Brown blasting out the open back. “Gimme da beat y’all! I feel like bustin‘ loose! Bustin‘ loose!“
In no time, we pulled up in Barry Farms. All we wanted to do was get out of the truck. We were about to thank Hizzoner and jump out when the driver sped up and drove on. We yelled that it was our stop but Hizzoner was mumbling to himself.
Mayor for Life looked at us and said, “Look I’ll put you where you need to go once I do some things. Yeah…uh I gotta go somewhere right quick. See here, uh, I gotta do Abe Pollin a favor. Before I do that, I gotta make a stop for myself. Makes me all nervous and shit so I gotta get right before I go meet this cat. Gotta make Andray see DC’s where he needs to be.”
We had no idea what the hell he was talking about. The license plate should have been a warning. It made no difference that we weren’t where we needed to be. It was his town and his rules and we were along for the ride.
Sure enough, his driver ripped through several blocks and we were across the river and back downtown in front of the Verizon Center in no time. Andray Blatche was standing on the corner. He hopped in and we took off.
Soon we were stopping every time we saw someone standing alone on the street. Barry would crack the window and try to talk over the music without turning it down. “You think this is a game?? You think this is a muthafuckin‘ game?? This is my boy Andray. We need to show him DC’s where it’s at.” Of course he ended up having to raise his voice. Subtlety was not his forte. “Break yo’self! Don’t you know who I is?? I’m the mayor! Say my man, would you happen to have a jumbo for your councilman? Yo ‘Dray, you in?”
He asked everyone from a homeless man to a preacher man. It went on like this for 20 minutes until he finally found what he wanted. Satisfied, he leaned back in his seat after taking a long drag and turned to the driver. “Rashaan, you know what I need now? Chicken. Let’s go to Popeye’s. You know what ‘Dray needs? Some DC punani.”
Rashaan drove to the Popeye’s on 14th St, NW. He pulled up and we fell out of the truck as smoke poured out the doors. Hizzoner doesn’t believe in sharing second-hand smoke with anyone who didn’t pay for the first-hand. No hotbox for us and if Andray didn’t get some hotbox right quick, DC could kiss his ass goodbye.
Hizzoner rolled down the tinted window and down the street.
“You know what to do, ‘Shaan. Boy, go with him and he’ll show you why Chocolate City’s the place for you.”
Rashaan and Andray walked down 14th St. towards a woman standing on Thomas Circle. As they walked, they discussed strategy.
Rashaan: “Ok, check it. I’ll do the talkin‘. My name’s Greg and yours is André.”
Andray: “Yo, my name is Andray.”
Rashaan: “André. Not Andray.”
Andray: “Oh I get it. Cool.”
They walked up to the woman and started talking with them. Chimp and I were following from a distance. We had to see where this was going. We couldn’t hear much but Chimp swore he heard Andray say, “Yeah I like her. She smells like that empanada joint in Adams Morgan.”
Just as they were about to head back to Jumbo 1, cop cars came flying from every direction and surrounded Rashaan, Andray and the two hookers. We took off at a quick pace in the opposite direction and made for the Dupont Metro station. As we walked down Mass. Ave., we heard screeching tires and a car barreling towards us. We turned around and saw none other than Mayor for Life in the driver’s seat, blunt in mouth and laughing hysterically as he flew past us.
In the distance, we could see Andray and Rashaan being cuffed while the two hookers started feeling up the cops and that’s when we knew that Andray wasn’t going anywhere. He was staying in DC and he was staying on the cheap. Jebus bless Hizzoner.
I found something interesting while reading the comments of one of the best Washington Nationals blogs out there Captiol Punishment. There is a “proposal” for the Ted Lerner, principal owner of the Nationals, who since the Nats are tanking the season as it is and since attendance has fallen below last years average, to donate every dollar from ticket sales above last year’s average attendance mark to the DC Public School System. Here’s the idea:
Last year the Washington Nationals drew an average of 26,582 fans to each game at RFK; this season, without stars like Alfonso Soriano in the house, we may do worse. Although we anticipate staring at a sea of empty seats at RFK this summer, all is not lost. Maybe there’s another way to win this year. To that end, I hereby make the following pledge to Nationals fans and to the people of the Washington area: For the remainder of the 2007 baseball season, the revenue from the first 26,582 tickets sold for each home game belongs to the Nationals. But every dollar from every ticket sold thereafter will be deposited in a trust dedicated to rebuilding and reviving the DC school system.
In other words: As the city builds the Nationals a beautiful new ballpark, the Nationals will give something back by helping to improve the lives of children in DC whose schools are falling apart. It’s a way for you, and for millions of fans across the region, to send a message—in word and deed—to young people and families in the city’s neediest areas: You are not alone.
Interesting huh? No chance this version of the proposal goes through, slight if any chance that any version of this proposal gets accepted by the team, but if the Nat’s did surrender a percentage of sales revenue past the 26,582 for help with the school system this would be an fun way to do a couple of things. 1) The Nationals would develop a ton of goodwill with a city that is divided over having to pay for a stadium thus becoming more a part of the community since they haven’t done much else for the people of DC than add brisket to the menu at RFK (well ok, a little more); 2) They could fill a very empty stadium a bit more because people would know that instead of lining the pockets of the already rich owners while watching a farce of a Major League team play sub .375 baseball, they too would be giving back to the community. If the team sucks, that is not an incentive to go, giving back to the community while watching a game, might be enough for some. Everyone wins!
I kinda like it…although Kasten probably would rather spend this money towards more player development for “THE PLAN”©®. We shall see where this leads.
Full text of the proposal at Thiscouldbetheyear.net
The Redskins signed Fred Smoot this offseason, bringing back to DC one of the games greatest talkers…and party throwers. But you wouldn’t know it would you? You really haven’t heard a peep from Smoot at all this offseason? Has one of the few personalities that we have drafted on our team finally mellowed out a bit? I hope not for the Redskins’ defense’s sake. Let us take this quiet time though to remember the quotes of the younger, more brash Fred Smoot. The man who actually has a web page devoted SOLEY to his quotes! Here we go:
“They might as well put us on BET, on Christmas Eve, and call it the “We Got Screwed Bowl.” (on getting snubbed on a bowl at MSU)
“75 percent of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Smoot.”
“They say the world is covered by 3 quarters water and 1 quarter Smoot.”
“If they throw me the ball, I will catch it. I missed a couple picks today, so don’t tell Coach Spurrier I said that.”
“I have one of the rookies carry my gear off the field every day. That’s what rookies do. That’s what I had to do. And that’s what they’re going to keep on doing. So if you want to come to the NFL, you’re going to have to carry my stuff.”
“Well, in Jackson (Miss.) where I’m from, they don’t call it the ‘Home of Fred Smoot.’ So I’m wondering what’s going on! ” (about Brett Favre’s hometown)
“My mama and I had arguments and I couldn’t even fight back. But the jaw is fine. It’s not a glass jaw, it’s made of steel.” (about his broken jaw)
“You can’t get glass without it going through a lot of changes and then it comes out smooth. I am that smooth part right now.” (about returning to DC)
“I would love to be a Viking… But I am nobody’s bench rider. Fred Smoot is a starter.”
“Man….most people don’t even understand me when I speak English.” (on learning Chinese)
“They’re killing my name. Point blank. Somebody’s going to have to pay for it.” (on being included in the sex boat scandal…before he was charged with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct and lewd or lascivious conduct and before he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct and to being a public nuisance on a watercraft while paying a $1,000 fine, performing 48 hours of community service and had 30-day jail sentences stayed for a year. Apparently, that someone who paid was he.)
Tony Kornheiser: Fred Smoot?
Get back to talkin’ Fred. DC, nay, THE WHOLE WORLD needs you.
Not only are the Cavaliers coming to DC with intentions of wiping the floor with the heavily injured and underdogged Wizards…but they’re planning a party in Washington DC IN BETWEEN GAMES 3 AND 4 of the series! This apparently is just to try and show that they can beat the Wizards with their two superstars hungover as hell, thereby leveling the playing field. That is some gall right there. But its not the best thing about this playoff weekend…Larry Hughes actually has TWO parties that weekend!
Thats right…Larry Hughes is co-hosting two parties in one weekend. The first one, with our boy Agent Zero (and Fabolous) right after game 3 on Saturday and the next on Sunday, their one off day in between games 3 and 4. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a man who is happy to be back in DC…and a cocky man who thinks he can help beat a team decimated by injuries after 2 straight nights of partying. Ya gotta give it to Agent Zero though, you know he had to be the one who got Fabolous to perform at his party…TAKE THAT “KING” JAMES!
Anyway, all you gamblers out there…i think its safe to say take the UNDER on Larry Hughes points for game 4 and the UNDER on the game 4 score. We’ll see if they’ll be celebrating a sweep on Monday…