Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009 at
The war is over! The Seattle Mariners and Seattle strip club DreamGirls finally reached an agreement to end their legal battle over the club’s presence 400 feet from Safeco Field. The pros on the field are going to have some competition from pros on the stage.
The Mariners agreed to drop their appeal of a lower court decision allowing the club to open after the owners agreed to several concessions.
Under the settlement, the club operators agreed to certain limits on the building’s outdoor signs and a canopy along First Avenue South and Occidental Avenue South, including the size and degree of lighting.
No pictures of women on a full-color outdoor video display will be shown on days when events aimed at children are taking place at Safeco, such as Little League days. Only messages with text would be permitted on those days. The agreement covers up to 15 baseball games and up to 12 other events such as graduations.
When displayed, those pictures cannot be sexually explicit. The video sign must be on First Avenue South and can’t be visible on Occidental Avenue South, where many people walk to Safeco.
The club also will not use barkers to attract customers or use amplified sound outside the building. No live adult entertainment will be allowed on the roof, and the club will employ private security guards to deal with unlawful activity and loiterers.
That’s cute. Does team management think the restrictions are going to keep Adrian Beltre away from the club? If there’s anyone who can take a knee to the balls, it’s him. Fuck a cup. If club owner Roger Forbes is smart, he’ll get all subliminal and pay players to use strip club music while batting. Mike Sweeney could come out to a little Crüe. Imagine Ichiro stepping into the batters box to the big booty shakin’ sounds of Uncle Luke (lyrics NSFW). Doo Doo Brown!!
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at
Someone needs to tell the Miami Dolphins they’re doing it wrong. Majority owner Stephen Ross should probably spend less time worrying about the halftime entertainment. He named the stadium after Jimmy Buffett’s Land Shark beer and now Gloria Estefan and her husband Emilio are coming aboard as minority owners. Why they gotta get all racialist? Why can’t they just be owners? Damn that’s messed up.
Both parties refuse to confirm the rumor but a major announcement will be made at LandShark Stadium this Thursday. Ross and the Estefans will be in attendance. Gloria was in Nashville on Monday recording a new version of “Are You Ready For Some Football” with Hank Williams Jr. to be used this season on Monday Night Football.
Why stop with Jimmy Buffett and the Estefans? Think of the possibilities. Gloria likes to count to four and so does Pitbull. He’ll keep the rowdy fan(s) in check (1:05). Spaulding would want a little something for the negroes too.** Bring Trick Daddy and Uncle Luke on board. They’ve worked together (NSFW language) in the past. Trick’s a regular guest on Dan LeBatard’s local radio show and Luke runs Miami Hurricane football so they both have professional sports cred. Throw in Flo-Rida and oh hot damn, the Dolphins have themselves one hell of an owners group. It’s not going to be Bill Parcells’ jam when he has to hit Flo-Rida up for money to buy another mediocre receiver. “Fine. I can do that, playa. But first put on these Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur. I wanna see them moobs bounce! Hit the floor! Shawty, get low low low low! Now throw them hands up in the ayer! Ayer!” A tear will run down Parcells’ cheek like that Indian on the side of the road. It’s funny because it could happen.
**That’s a reference to a line in Caddyshack so don’t start. Talk to Spaulding, Judge Smails or someone else who doesn’t care that you didn’t get it.
Friday, August 15th, 2008 at
Jay Cutler is all about tough love. He slammed WR Brandon Marshall after he cut himself “slipping on a McDonald’s bag”. However he’s not about to give up on his boy even though he’s probably going to serve a two to three game suspension for violating the NFL’s code of conduct.
Marshall plans on crashing at Cutler’s pad during his suspension and engage in some home schooling. He plans on studying the playbook and film in addition to working out with Cutler at night. Who knows if this will start him on the path to wholesome living but it’s worth a try.
T.O. is supposed to watch over Pacman in Dallas. Pacman should move in with T.O. and HBO should film it as a reality show or a sitcom. They could call it “TnA” or “That’s Pac!”. How great would that be? Screw watching players fall asleep in meetings or rookies getting cut. Imagine T.O. coming home to find Pacman installed a stripper pole and DJ booth in his house while he was at work. T.O. could open his door only to see some big booty hoes working the pole in his living room. Pac and Luther Campbell (uncensored so careful if you’re at work) would be making it rain and smoking cigars while “Hoochie Mama” (also uncensored) blasts in the background. Another episode could have a unreinstated, bored Pacman try to work T.O.’s alleged BangBros.com connnections so he can film his own porn on the star in Texas Stadium. Jason Garrett would have to be in this one as the assistant coach who plays the choir boy but really calls himself “Freak Nasty” and creeps out the porn stars with his fetish demands like being slapped in the balls with a donkey dildo wielded by a 300 lb Eskimo girl while having tartar sauce thrown and rubbed all over his face. Who’s got Pacman Fever now?
Thursday, August 7th, 2008 at
Do I look like a muthafuckin’ role model?
To a kid lookin’ up ta me,
Life ain’t nuthin’ but bitches and money.
USC recruit Maurice Simmons takes those words to heart. Too bad he didn’t realize the bitches and money were at USC and not on some street in (Where you from, fool?) Compton.
Simmons and a codefendant were found guilty of felony robbery, assault with a firearm and a misdemeanor for allowing someone to have a gun in his car. The two jacked a man on a Compton street. Simmons didn’t hold the gun but it was found in his car along with the victim’s possessions.
The linebacker recruit hasn’t been admitted yet and now it looks as though he’s got no chance in hell. Pete Carroll should look at Simmons as an opportunity to stay close to #1 Georgia. The more delinquents on a college football team, the better it does. It’s been scientifically proven by the American Academy of Sciences, RAND, CERN, Cal Tech, MIT, SAIC and your moms. It also helps if one of your program’s biggest backers is a rapper. See Miami. Doo Doo Brown!! (Maybe NSFW, uncensored version – Turn volume down)