Well now that this whole Manti Te’o kerfuffle has gone full bloom I’m starting to wonder what exactly in my life needs to be double checked.

• My Broken Computer – Did it ever really work or was that a very prolonged intricate dream?
• Dentists – I’ve always been very skeptical of their supposed mastery over all things mouth. Could be charlatans.
• Air – You can’t see it.
• Deodorant/Antiperspirant – I certainly still sweat on basically all occasions…
• The Internet – It’s almost too big and wild to entertain the idea of it being a real thing.
• The Sun – Could be just a big flashlight that some guy walks along the top of our earth dome in a big circle.
• Space and Space Travel – Exactly like “The Internet”.
• Argo – Have you seen the movie? I haven’t. Just sayin.
• Canada – I’ve never been there. Same thing goes for New England now that I think about it.
• Homeland being a good show – Could be a product of media oversaturation. Check that. Definitely a product of media oversaturation.
• Smoking on Planes – That particular ban has always been a little fishy.
• Mercury Poisoning – Maybe it gives you special powers and The Government is scared to think of the possibilities.
• Seasons – It was damn near 60 in NYC the other day…
• The Mainstream Media having any sort of tenuous grasp on what it takes to do real journalism (excepting Timothy Burke and Jack Dickey).
• The IRS – Who’s really checking on whether we pay our taxes? Maybe no one?
• My Current Headache – Who’s to say I don’t feel great right now?
• My Lack of a Girlfriend – Maybe I actually do have one and I didn’t know?!?!

So Anthony Bourdain and Alton Brown walk into a strip club.

I knew someone in DC years ago who would crumple up dollars and throw them at strippers while they were working. He did this several times during a birthday party for a friend who was dating one of the strippers at Camelot or some other spot on M Street. I asked the guy, who worked for my friend, why he did that. It was a bit uncouth even if we didn’t know the strippers. Yes I know. He replied, “That’s just my style”. I shrugged and said, “Hey sometimes” and went about my business. Did I mention he also had “Chevy Chase” tattooed across his stomach in Gothic letters? He wasn’t honoring the actor from Nothing But Trouble but the DC suburb ranked among the 10 wealthiest in the nation. He couldn’t even afford to think about living there. There’s no point to that story so don’t bother looking for it.

I wonder if Alton gets down like Richard Quarles when he’s in the champagne room. Bet he dresses up as Colonel Bob Boatwright and leaves a trail of broken strippers and hookers in every city except for the time things went horribly wrong when he tried to “set her free”. I’m going to assume so until I hear otherwise.

With Chip Kelly bolting from Oregon for realz this time one can only speculate what sort of wild hammer strokes the NCAA is going to throw down on the university. Here is a list of potential penalties. Please remember that there is no rhyme or reason to what the NCAA do. They are like a strung out ODB  when it comes to enforcing their shit.

1. Puddles has to take shit from all opponent mascots and not retaliate. If it chooses to retaliate then it has to end up getting it’s ass whooped by whomever it engaged. If not, then the NCAA has no choice but to remand it to a local area BW3′s during games for the remainder of the probation period.

2. Oregon QB’s are not allowed to run the ball for the entirety of the probation period. Scrambling is not a loophole.

3. The playclock must be at or under 5 seconds before Oregon snaps the ball on all offensive plays regardless of what is on the gameclock.

4. Oregon will be forced to select one uniform and wear only it throughout the probation period.

5. Oregon is not permitted to score Touchdowns during the 3rd Quarter of any of it’s games during the probation period. Field Goals are allowed though.

6. All local streams and creeks near Eugene must have beaver damns installed during the entirety of the probation period. Failure to install and maintain said beaver dams will result in forfeiture of games, program revenue, and further sanctions may be applied.

7. The only highlight that can be shown inside Autzen Stadium is Dennis Dixon injuring his knee in 2009.

8. All university cafeterias must serve In ‘N Out and all currently enrolled Oregon State students are allowed to eat there for free whenever they want.

9. Ron Prince must be installed as Head Coach for the entire probation period and his contract must include at least a 5 year and 10 million dollar buyout.

This gold plated, diamond encrusted AK-47 seems like something Mikhail Prokhorov should own instead of someone in a Mexican drug cartel. Your move, rap world.

H/T to Global Bearings

In an industry that seemingly devolves day after day, finding the most inept, inane sportswriter can sometimes prove more difficult than expected. Last year, the title was pretty much up for grabs until the fall, whereupon Mitch Albom blew away the “competition” with a steaming pile of word turds related to the AL MVP race. This year, however, I think we can give the damn thing out right now: Read the rest of this entry