Years before he received the big boot and a leg drop by his ex-wife’s divorce attorney in court, Hulk Hogan was a mighty athlete that even graced the cover of Sports Illustrated.

But, on the heels of news that Hulk Hogan and Chyna can both be seen having sex on camera, we can rejoice now in learning that finally, a Hulk Hogan tape is being released in DVD format that we not only want to see, but that we may actually pleasure ourselves watching, too.

(record scratch)

I mean take pleasure in watching!

(laughs nervously, kicks bottle of lotion under desk)

That’s right folks, after years of ignoring my letters threatening suicide, Vince McMahon has taken time out from his busy schedule of forcing John Cena down our throats in order to do the greatest thing he has ever done (Wrestlemania 28 is this weekend).

’80s classic movie No Holds Barred will be coming out on DVD on July 3rd for the first time. Ever.

If you don’t remember the “dookie scene” please take this quick refresher.

Feel better? Okay, I’ll let wikipedia take it from here (SPOILER ALERT):

Hulk Hogan plays Rip, a very popular professional wrestler. Although Rip looks and acts like a brute, he is actually a golden-hearted guy. He has a younger brother, Randy (Mark Pellegrino), whose presence in the audience motivates him enough to win his matches.
Rip appears on a television channel which screens all his matches. Thanks to Rip, the channel is highly popular. However, the evil, money-hungry chairman of a rival channel, Brell (Kurt Fuller), wants to convince Rip to join their network. Rip respectfully declines, though Brell has his gang of thugs attempt to beat Rip into submission during the limo ride home from the meeting.
After visiting the No Count Bar, a rowdy establishment featuring a wrestling ring in the center and patronized by drunken, vicious fighters, Brell is inspired to create a new kind of wrestling program, focusing more on violence and sensationalism than Rip’s more moralistic version of the sport. Brell’s new program, Battle of the Tough Guys, is successful after the introduction of Zeus (Tom Lister, Jr.), a violent, seemingly unfazable ex-con who sports a “Z”-shaped patch of hair on his skull. Zeus killed an opponent in the ring after the fight was over, and has been in prison until recently.
Samantha, a beautiful corporate spy (Joan Severance), is sent by Brell to seduce Rip. However, Rip’s good nature and dedication to charity wins her over, and she confesses the truth to the wrestler and turns to his side. After this fails, Brell attempts to have Samantha raped; as usual, Rip foils the plot and dispatches the would-be rapist into a tree trunk. Meanwhile, Brell and Zeus crash an outdoor charity event Rip is appearing at, demanding that Rip prove his honor by fighting Zeus live on Brell’s new show. Once again, Rip avoids violent conflict and attempts to reason with Brell, who leaves in anger.
Randy and a friend decide to check out Zeus for themselves, attending an illegal fight being held in a warehouse. After watching Zeus defeat the monstrous Lugwrench Perkins (Jeep Swenson), Randy foolishly identifies himself as Rip’s brother to Brell and his associates. Randy attempts to defend himself, but Zeus brutally beats him, sending him to the hospital. Finally, after this ultimate insult, a tearful Rip decides to accept Zeus’ challenge.
Before the match, Brell abducts Rip’s friends and threatens to kill them if Rip doesn’t lose deliberately. With the odds against him, Rip wins the match after Zeus falls from a perch into the wrestling ring, collapsing it. Rip turns his attentions to Brell, who accidentally falls into an electrical panel to his demise. With his friends rescued and his brother recovering in the hospital, Rip celebrates his victory.

Its the spring time people! That wonderful time of year that, if you live in a densely populated area like myself, you can drink outside all weekend and stare at women in sundresses. Now, if you really want to impress those women while you are on the way to grab a tasty beverage, check out these brand new MINDBLOWING (see above) ways to get around on a skateboard. People be designing some crazy ‘ish over the winter.

1. Mind Controlled Skate Boards

This board is called the Board of Imagination and its by Chaotic Moon Labs (remember that name) and it is a skateboard that you literally control with just your thoughts. From a recent CNET article:

The obviously named Board of Imagination integrates a neuroheadset from a company called Emotiv, with a Samsung tablet running Windows 8, which is in turn connected to the skateboard’s motor. The headset translates thought into electrical circuitry that’s routed through the tablet, into the motor, and powers the board. Simply put, you think–it goes.

How sick is that? I hope you clicked through to see the video because i don’t feel like embedding it and robbing them of their hits.

Sure, its true, you can’t run out and buy one now, but when this technology actually comes to mass production can you imagine the new level of laziness it’l create? I mean this is lazier than the Segway and NOTHING is lazier to use than a Segway (ok, well maybe a Rascal). This could create a whole generation of atrophied kids who don’t ever have to physically exert themselves to get anywhere ever again!  Just stand, think, go!

Screw the hoverboard from Back to the Future II, I must have one of these when they come out!

Read the rest of this entry

To paraphrase the illustrious Tony Kornheiser, sometimes you stare at a blank computer screen, hoping for inspiration to write something, and lo and behold, God provides: Read the rest of this entry

Devotees to this website will quickly learn that we cast a skeptical eye to our fellow writers who seem to relish each and every opportunity to enhance their own celebrity and become yet another “personality” of the Trent-Dilfer-Mark-Schlereth cast. Thus, Profootballtalk’s evil dwarf and high school yearbook nerd Mike Florio, who I reluctantly admit has been right about a few things, (just as stopped watches go) is doing his damnedest to create a controversy out of Peyton Manning’s decision to pull rank with former Denver Broncos quarterback Frank Tripucka and wear his formerly retired number 18 when he begins the 2012 NFL season under the knife center for the Broncos.

No fewer then three posts appeared in a single day criticizing Manning for donning the retired number on PFT. It’s not that Florio doesn’t have a point, he does, but athletes are superstitious people (Michael Jordan abandoned number 45 by like the third quarter of his first game back) and Elway would have probably sold his first-born into the Sierra Leone diamond mining trade just to get rocket-lazer-arm in Denver for next season.

Most likely to annoy me into posting this article:

If it goes against everything Manning believes in, then he should have politely declined. I’m sure if Manning had been wearing No. 7 since 1998, John Elway would “really want” Manning to wear Elway’s number, too. That doesn’t make it right.

DON’T YOU DARE EXERCISE YOUR OWN FREE WILL!

Indeed, it flies in the face of the entire concept of retiring numbers. If a number is retired, it’s retired. The person for whom the number was retired should have no say in the matter; part of the honor is that the topic of unretiring the number should never be broached.

It’s the Catalina wine mixer! People have literally killed to be in this position!

In this case, the skids were greased last week, when reporters began contacting Tripucka and asking him about whether the number would be dusted off for Manning. What would anyone expect Tripucka to say? ”No, it’s mine . . . and while we’re on the topic get off my lawn”?

To his credit, Tripucka acted charitably. But he never should have been placed in that position.

Fair point. Then again, Tripucka probably saw the Patriots game.

In the end, the Broncos are the custodians of the team’s numbers.

So then why do you even care? As soon as Manning goes down he’ll go under the knife again, retire for good, and 18 in Denver will belong to Tripucka again. Does this really matter?

And to those of you who think that Tripucka has manipulated this situation merely to get his name back into circulation after nearly 50 years of obscurity, keep two things in mind. First, he’s 84. Second, he has Alzheimer’s.

Has anyone said that? Also, although it is truly unfortunate it’s not like he’s giving Manning power of attorney, or buying volcano insurance from Manning. Also, the insinuation that the Broncos or Manning are taking advantage of Tripucka in his current state is deeply misleading since Mrs. Tripucka says her husband would feel honored.

Manning is going to wear a number for the Broncos for a couple seasons (if he’s supremely lucky) and then it will come down again. If nobody seems to care, then why do you care so much?

It seems like every year the NCAA Tournament becomes a larger part of our popular culture. This year, it is a given that instead of working on Friday, everyone is calling in sick and heading to a bar (well, except for yours truly). The only problem with the mass consumption of the coolest four days in sports is that when “society” makes a big deal about it, is that well… everyone makes a big deal about it. For a long time, Days 1-4 of the tournament were a sports lover’s secret: we called out of work, hid our brackets, and used a stupid thing called a “Boss Button.” Now, it’s only a matter of time until CBS puts Justin Bieber on the selection show. Until then, let’s make the most of what we have left, shall we?

Much like last year, I haven’t spent a lot of time watching college basketball this season. I blame Randy Edsall. Yeah, I know he’s a football coach. In any case, if the geek from “Social Network” gets to put his lame bracket on the Internet, I feel like I should be able to post mine. If it’s not clear from my reasoning below, I know next to nothing. Let’s get to it: Read the rest of this entry