As a Bengals fan born in the mid 80’s I have no knowledge of what it’s like to root for a team in a Super Bowl. All I really know how to do is root against teams I don’t like and not so secretly wish would disappear in a this was god’s will sinkhole tragicomedy. Most of the last several years this has been the Steelers and Patriots. The Steelers, because they thrash the Bengals 96% of the time and I do not enjoy their misbegotten portrayal as a shining beacon of football purity. And the Patriots, just because I’m a spiteful person and they’ve won plenty so fuck them. This year though, I’m having trouble picking which side I want to win less. So here is my thoughts on both teams.

Against the Ravens: Ray Lewis’ Big Tent Revival Tour featuring special guests God and Fucking Damnit. I’ve already said a bit on that if you want to catch up. The fashion forward idea of Purple Camo gear that their fans wear. I assume they would come in very handy when you’re being hunted by giant meat eating gobstoppers in some parallel Candyland universe. All jokes aside though, I actually like the purple camo gear for some twisted reason. It appeals to my finer instincts.

Back to the reasons though…Baltimore left Cleveland in the middle of the night and then won a Super Bowl with basically Cleveland’s team not too far after. Okay, this list is starting to take a hard turn into the why I’m rooting for the Baltimore category. But so be it. I hate Cleveland. Ahaha. It could have been your Super Bowl ya Northern Ohio/South Canadian shit stains.

I’m not a particularly big fan of Joe Flacco. It might be his eyebrows. They’re so full and luxurious that I’m kinda jealous maybe? Or do I have some deep seated mistrust of people that could probably grow facial hair on their ENTIRE FACE . Like a hair face where all you see is the lips and the eyes. After saying that now I kind of want to watch Harry and the Henderson’s. That’s all I can think of for the Raven’s right now. Also, there is absolutely nothing bad to say about Ed Reed. I can’t even front and act like he isn’t my favorite football player maybe ever (Sorry Corey Dillon).

 Against the 49ers: The 49ers beat the Bengals in two Super Bowls in the 80’s. I wasn’t born yet for the first one and I was only a tyke for the second one so I have very little to stand on when talking about these games. But that doesn’t mean I’m not aware that they happened. So a hearty fuck you in the direction of San Fran for that whole thing.

Now I’m just gonna bust open the whole Haterade pipe and let it flow. Jim Harbaugh is a really good football coach but also a sizzling hot pan of “I’m being wronged, don’t mind me while I throw a wildly entertaining temper tantrum about not getting a PSP for Christmas.” What’s wrong with the Jim Caldwell Coaching Technique of looking like you’ve done a bunch of Peyote and if you move an inch, just the slightest twitch anywhere on your body, you will most definitely lose your shit man so I’m good just standing here posing for the imaginary daguerreotype photometer this violent Kodiak Bear is taking a picture with?

Alex Smith is pissing me off not taking advantage of his opportunity to do literally whatever he wants on the sidelines. He should have a beer helmet on, pulling good looking girls out of the stands to hang out with him and talk shit to people walking by. You’ve got to milk the sympathy teat for all it’s worth because after Sunday he probably will end up on some shitty team like the Cardinals or the Bills and he will never get up to the top of the mountain again. Instead he’s being the true blue teammate and bullshit of that nature. That will only get you so far son. Sometimes you gotta know when to get yours, and then when it comes time to be contrite, you do it.

To close, I guess good luck out there in your rooting endeavours?

Super Bowl Media week started today and I thought it’d be fun to guess some of the things that Ray Lewis will say to reporters. Remember, he is the lamb bone of god now, or however that phrase goes.

“And so the almighty spoke in to my helmet and told me, Ray, son, are we human? Or are we dancers?”

“And he who cast the first rock towards my kingdom will suffer a grievous injury from my leap of faith onto the pile of already tackled players.”

“I have seen the mountaintop! And it is littered with the trail of the dead who dare step to me and mine outside of nightclubs.”

“These tears you see streaming down my face? They are for all mankind. I am legend.”

“Ed Reed is a destroyer of worlds and although he is my teammate and my brother he will suffer an eternity of hellfire and brimstone for what he has done to lesser men on this mortal plane.”

“Only the righteous man walks the path of the unencumbered, limbs akimbo, PCP induced dancer.”

And this is probably the only thing Ed Reed will say before dropping the mic, “Any y’all wanna play some dice?” He’s the best.

A moat is worthless unless it’s filled with crocodiles, piranhas and evil Aquaman to prevent Bernard Pollard from terrorizing Brady and Gisele. How great would it be if he cloned himself into an army and attacked the Brady estate. Imagine something along the lines of Army of Darkness. This is my boomstick!

I began fearing the potential of a “Harbowl” over a year ago. Last winter, we received a reprieve from that dreadful moniker but alas, no such luck this season. On Sunday evening, when it was all but certain Baltimore would advance to play San Francisco in Super Bowl XLVII, I tried to find a rooting interest. I reviewed all of the salient points — I once lived in Baltimore for three years; my favorite quarterback of all time is Joe Montana; like me, Steve Young is a handsome, dark-haired attorney; and also like me, Joe Flacco fights to protect facial boundaries from an aggressive unibrow. But I’ll be damned if I couldn’t find one legitimate reason why I’d want either team to win: they are both easily detestable. Let’s break it down:

So basically what you’re telling me is that I’m left with picking between Patrick Willis and Steve Bischotti? Perhaps an exciting Harbaugh Bowl SuperBaugh Brother Bowl Super Bowl XLVII just wasn’t meant to be: from replacement refs to head trauma to the coaching carousel, maybe the NFL is just having an off-year. Maybe, Roger Goodell can start making the Super Bowl more meaningful by bringing back the sweet location-themed logos. Either way, I have a week to make this game interesting. Otherwise, it’s going to be up to bourbon and/or gambling. Please don’t make me go there, Rog!

Time was better spent eating a homemade dinner* and watching the season premiere of Archer and college basketball than watching Lance Armstrong pathologically mouth the right words but show no remorse and engage in an absurd attempt at a semantics lesson. Apparently this interview needed a level-headed lawyer type like Nancy Grace.

It looks like we’re not going to hear from Manti Te’o since he backed out of his scheduled ESPN interview with Jeremy Schaap. Fine. I’m over it. It’s a mess and looks like it’ll turn into a bigger disaster before it’s over. Someone probably realized that the boy ain’t smart and little good would come out of a live interview.

Teo’o's cancellation means ESPN has an opening in their apology window. Oh wait a minute. Look who wants to get their apology on now. They all start coming out of the woodwork once the big boys do it or say they will and back out. It’s the NHL. Schaap would probably let their call go to voicemail or answer and say, “Hey Gary, I’d love to sit down with you but I just got this thing I gotta to do whenever you’re available. You know who would be great for this though? My dad. Give him a shout. If he doesn’t answer, just wait and he’ll get back to you.”

Every professional sports league (except the MLS) goes through strikes and lockouts but the NHL seems to have them on a regular basis like the Olympics. They have the lowest TV ratings of the four major leagues. NBC gives them little air time as they’re relegated to a secondary sports network for most of their games. ESPN barely paid them any attention when they had the NHL TV contract and they get next to none now. One would think they would do everything in their power to stay on the ice and prevent work stoppages but owners gotta get paid. They stab themselves in the foot Constable Bob style every time they start to build viewer momentum.

The league finally sorted their shit out and promise they’ll never do it again. They’re like that person who says they’re done cheating and just want you to come back. You know it’s going to happen again. It’s a matter of when not if. Well here they are at your door. They’re crawling back on their knees and begging forgiveness. How? They’re buying full page ads in papers across the US and Canada.

The ad says: “Like you, we’ve missed NHL hockey.”

The league is thanking fans for their patience and apologizing for the lost games. The ad says the league is “committed to earning back your trust and support” with “hard work and unwavering dedication.”

The league is so sorry that Kings fans are already getting priced out. The Rangers are giving their fans the “fuck you very much” courtesy of James Dolan. The NHL’s apologies are worth about as much as the failing papers they appeared in yesterday.

The NHL would be better served going on Ilanya: Fix My Life. If it’s good enough for DMX**, it’s good enough for them. They’re both that messed up. They’re not Oprah, Jeremy Schaap or Anderson Cooper worthy at this point. Bettman and Louie the Bear should sit down and allow Ilanya to berate them. I assume this is what happens on that show. Every time the commissioner apologizes and lists the league’s mistakes, Louie could play the sad trombone and hang his head. I bet she would respond like Florida Evans and yell at him, “Get it together, grouch”. Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! Wow. Sorry. I just had a Killing Them Softly flashback.

Hockey is one of the best sporting events to see in person. It’s hard to get a sense of that on TV until the playoffs. A live game is something every sports fan should experience. I want hockey to do well. It’ll never be on the level of football, baseball or basketball in terms of viewership numbers but it doesn’t have to be that. However it can’t continually alienate fans by having greedy owners and a cornball commissioner try to nickel and dime players every couple years because they’re not happy with their current deal.

* Dinner came out damn well. Pasta with Braised Pork, Red Wine & Pancetta from Andrew Zimmern. Here’s the link to the recipe if you’re inclined to try it out. We tweaked the herb mixture and used fresh tomatoes instead of the canned but kept to it for the most part. Here’s an essential point he doesn’t mention. Make sure you have enough wine to drink before, during and after cooking. The next step is making my own pancetta. Anyone want to offer up their place to hang some swine for about two weeks?

** Fuck DMX getting his life together. We haven’t had any good music from him in a minute because of this self-improvement bullshit. I want some dirty, grimy jams. I want him to get homophobic and homoerotic in the same verse and have no clue what he’s doing. His dogs are right here waiting for him to remember who he is like Undercover Brother. This new show is all wrong. Oprah done gone too far now.